17 September 2006

last entry

Start writing in this blog since 3rd of Dec 2004. Can't believe i've been blogging for almost 2 years, checking the amount of entries written.. My, what have i write ..? =/ Should have wrote more useful stuffs, rather than just filling the pages with mere ramblings.

I've been thinking to end this blog and begin a new one. Need a bit of a change, since i'm about to start a new chapter of life as well =]. Today, as i was packing my stuffs, found this words scribbled in my long-lost book, " Change is a process of adapting to real life situations ". Heh, have to admit that i'm a lil bit wary, not knowing how thing's gonna be..but i'm ready..insyaAllah ! =D

This has been a wonderful experience for me. The opportunity to express myself in words. Opens me to new perspective about things, appreciating myself more and accepting differences around me. I've met some new people, and found old friends. And I believe that this has help to improve my English too..though there're still grammatical errors here and there heheh. Well...the learning will continue, insyaAllah...=]

I'm taking this opportunity to thank friends and readers, who have visited my blog from time to time and dropping a few lines. I know how silly some of the entries are, plus the fact that i wrote nothing grand..but knowing tht some ppl read them, it makes me really happy. Thank you, ppl..for making me feel like a real writer =].

And i humbly apologise to anyone whom i've hurt intentionally or unintentionally. For my actions or words which might have angered or offended some of the readers here. For my insensitiveness in talking about certain issues, if i have 'menyinggung' anyone, i apologise. Insya Allah..i have learned some lessons, and will try to do better in the future blog. ( if there's any, tht is..hehe )..

Well, i guess this is it..my final entry. Thanks and sorry again for everything, insyaAllah, panjang umur, ada kelapangan, kudrat serta idea2 lagi , we'll meet again. And with this coming Ramadhan, i'm wishing all of us strength to make full use of the 30 days given to us. May this coming holy month will be a fresh new start for us all, insyaAllah. Lets do our best..,semoga kita semua beroleh keberkatan dan kebaikan yang berpanjangan dunia dan akhirat...amiin..=].

Wish me luck, .. and pray for me ya.., =]..gonna miss writing in here ..

Sayonara..everyone ! \(**,)/

.."I guess I've learned, to question is to grow
That you still have faith, is all I need to know
I've learned to love, myself in spite of me
And I've learned to walk, the road that I believe .."
- 'Do I Make You Proud' by Taylor Hicks

10 September 2006

fear of ..

I think human has many fears. Even the bravest of man, must be hiding certain fear deep inside them,..they're just 'putting a brave face' to avoid showing their fear, and admit tht they too, like all other human, have something they're afraid of.. Hmm.

Fear of rejection, fearing that there is something lacking or inadequate in us which cause the rejection. Fear to display our emotions, scared that it might make us look vulnerable. And weak. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of making mistakes or making the wrong decision.

I remember having some apprehension during my first few attempts preparing meal for my dad. I would taste the soup for nearly ten times, and each time, i would frown deeply, scrutinising the taste..does this taste good? more salt, ..? is this how it should taste..? And when i present my cookings, i would steal glances at him, trying to see his expression as he take his first sip. Fear of getting the disapproving look, fear of being criticised, ..to conclude it, fear of being a failure. Fail to impress my dad.

And when i was in school, due to unnecessary fear, smtmes i keep my mouth shut in class, eventhough the answer is just at the tip of my tongue. Because i fear being jeered by friends as The 'Ms Know-it-All', ' asyik2 dia je'. And this unhealthy set of fears too smtmes prevent me from doing the right thing, fear of wht ppl might say ..like Ms Goody-Two-Shoes ..? Sealing my mouth rather than voicing the words out. Pretending i dont see, rather than taking actions with my hands. Heh, u cared more about what human think ehh..naz...

Me and my fears. Used to fear lots of things. Scared of this, afraid of that. So used to being protected all the time, warmly living in my comfort zone, enjoying doing the common things i do,why? because the common and the usuals are safe. Hmm, need to learn facing my fears upfront and just ' gung-ho' all the way. Yes..it's scary, with loads of unknown risk which send shivers up my spine just thinking about it, plus the embarassment i've to swallow if it turn out not the way i hope it would..but..well, tht's how we live in this world rite, tht's the only way to grow. Learning from our mistakes and stupidity in life.

Obstacles, life's uncertainties, and doubts... things we bound to meet along the road. The possibilities tht what we hope and want so badly, wouldn't turn reality. The risk of falling down and fail. And there will alwys be the fear, which cause us to hesitate from making the move, or taking the next step. Whatever it is, it's normal to have some fears, and no, it's not a sign of weakness. You're just a human, and having some set of fears are just part and parcel of being a human. Acknowledge ur feelings, tht smtmes u are afraid, but u can do it. And u will do it, no matter how long it takes for u to make the first step. So, take a deep breath, open ur eyes..and just do it...!

01 September 2006

sedang ingin bercinta

Dah lama nak tulis tentang perkara ini, tapi dulu aku belum begitu memahami tentang keadaan ini. Rasanya sekarang ..dah fahamlah sikit2..=]

" setiap ada kamu, mengapa jantung ku
berdetak lebih kencang
seperti genderang mahu perang

setiap ada kamu, mengapa darah ku
mengalir lebih cepat
dari hujung kaki ke hujung kepala..

setiap ada kamu, otakku berfikir
bagaimana caranya
untuk berdua bersama kamu......"

- 'Sedang Ingin Bercinta' - DEWA

Sedang aku berfikir-fikir tentang perkara ni, wondering about why this happens, di mana silapnye..blabla, Tiba-tiba terdengar lagu ni dimainkan di tv. Ahh..maybe that's the sign, .. i better write about this now. Before i lost the moment.

Pemandangan biasa atas LRT, memandangkan aku adalah salah seorg 'penyumbang utama' kemajuan ekonomi LRT (haha), jadi aku dah lali melihat telatah remaja-remaja muda, yang aku rasa..berumur 15 thn ? 17 thn? or maybe younger than tht.. Hmm. If I see adults being lovey-dovey in public places, automatically my mind would think .." ni husband and wife nih..". Berbaik sangka is better. As i have no problem with married Muslim couples showing affection in public places, plus i congratulate them ( silently, tht is..eheh), for not being afraid to let ppl know that they're in love. With their spouse, who's lawfully theirs bound together under Allah' s name. But when it's the young, 'ubun-ubun masih lembut' girls and boys, clinging to each other, hugging tightly with the boy's hand exploring the curves and resting at the girl's b**t, i just can't bring myself to berbaik sangka and think that this is a married couple, which is hard to even pretend it's true. Some of these youngsters look so young to be called a secondary student. And wht saddened me most are the girls. They look so sweet and pretty clad in headscarves, but....hmmm. Maybe 'tudung' now is only a fashion ehh..? It means nothing other than just a piece of cloth on ur head.

Okay....take a deep breath, naz. I dont like when my emotions control my writing (and im very emotional since yesterday..for some reasons..). But everytime i go out and witness these scenes in front of my eyes , i can't help but ask myself..what are these 'young couples' thinking? That this love of theirs ( or their so-claimed love ) ..gonna bring them far, that they'll get married in the next 10-15 years and live happily ever after, like wht they see in movies..? And i wonder, do their parents know about this, that their daughter is in the arms of one 'hingus belum kering' boy, whose briefs still bought by his mom..? ( opsie ). Sorry if i sound too harsh or cynical,..but, really...what is wrong here? Is it our education system, too much politic and bleah bleahh instead of really educating the students..? Or our society, busy bickering about trivial matters other thn focusing energy on real, important issues..? Or our family institution..? Some ppl plainly answer me by saying.. " dunia dh akhir zaman, naz..nak buat mcmana.."

I might be one very skema student back during my schooling years, ( err..and maybe still am now..). But i was a normal growing teenager too, and I know how it feels to like someone at tht age. I dont say tht first love at the age of 16-17 wont last long, one of my friends got married with her first love. And it happens all the time too. It just..tht's not the point here..the thing is about the behaviours of these young Muslim teenagers, who are in the 'sedang-ingin-bercinta' stage. Who's acting like the world is theirs, oblivious to the annoyed and frowned looks from elderly-s around them in LRT.( err..tht exclude me, im not tht old..=p). If this is how our generations are right now, i can't imagine wht the future holds for us, the pictures of youngsters making out in public..?

Sometimes, i feel like approaching these young girls and pull them aside, saving them from being too far drowned in the flood of their so-called-love. It's not your time yet, girl..there's someone better waiting for u down the road, trust me. Dont waste your youth with someone not worthy of ur love and time. Dont ruin urself, ur dignity, ur family name..most importantly dont do sthg tht's against our religion teachings. Have some self-worth. A good man wouldn't treat a woman they wish to make a wife tht way, rubbing here and touching there. A good man knows how to control the urges...and oh yeah, plus the fact that the boy's too young to be called a man yet. If u really like each other....it's ok, keep the relationship, there's no harm in doing tht. Nurture the friendship, support, motivate and challenge one another in studies, secure a place in a good uni, and be the best of friends till the right time comes. Having a girl/boyfriend is not a bad thing, it only becomes bad when u make it look ugly and dirty by smooching each other like tht. Especially when we know it is forbidden in our religion, without the 'ijab and kabul' to make it permissible.

When u are in the 'sedang-ingin-bercinta' stage, when u like someone so much that being close to tht person makes u go.... hmmm.. 'kalau tak kuat dalam, memang tumbang.' Well..for us Muslims, we have rules, so stick to it. The rules are there for a reason, to protect us weak humans. I think the most important thing is, to always 'Ingat Tuhan, Takut Tuhan'. Itu shj. Mudah kan..?

And besides, one thing tht maybe this young couples dont yet seem to realise, is that they still have a veryy loong road in front of them, a journey that yet to be discovered. Who knows wht God has in store for u..., dont ruin ur chances. Study hard, be a good person, ..insyaAllah..." kalau kita menunggu dengan sabar, perkara baik akan menyusul.." =]. No rushy, still a loong way to go , kid...