17 September 2006

last entry

Start writing in this blog since 3rd of Dec 2004. Can't believe i've been blogging for almost 2 years, checking the amount of entries written.. My, what have i write ..? =/ Should have wrote more useful stuffs, rather than just filling the pages with mere ramblings.

I've been thinking to end this blog and begin a new one. Need a bit of a change, since i'm about to start a new chapter of life as well =]. Today, as i was packing my stuffs, found this words scribbled in my long-lost book, " Change is a process of adapting to real life situations ". Heh, have to admit that i'm a lil bit wary, not knowing how thing's gonna be..but i'm ready..insyaAllah ! =D

This has been a wonderful experience for me. The opportunity to express myself in words. Opens me to new perspective about things, appreciating myself more and accepting differences around me. I've met some new people, and found old friends. And I believe that this has help to improve my English too..though there're still grammatical errors here and there heheh. Well...the learning will continue, insyaAllah...=]

I'm taking this opportunity to thank friends and readers, who have visited my blog from time to time and dropping a few lines. I know how silly some of the entries are, plus the fact that i wrote nothing grand..but knowing tht some ppl read them, it makes me really happy. Thank you, ppl..for making me feel like a real writer =].

And i humbly apologise to anyone whom i've hurt intentionally or unintentionally. For my actions or words which might have angered or offended some of the readers here. For my insensitiveness in talking about certain issues, if i have 'menyinggung' anyone, i apologise. Insya Allah..i have learned some lessons, and will try to do better in the future blog. ( if there's any, tht is..hehe )..

Well, i guess this is it..my final entry. Thanks and sorry again for everything, insyaAllah, panjang umur, ada kelapangan, kudrat serta idea2 lagi , we'll meet again. And with this coming Ramadhan, i'm wishing all of us strength to make full use of the 30 days given to us. May this coming holy month will be a fresh new start for us all, insyaAllah. Lets do our best..,semoga kita semua beroleh keberkatan dan kebaikan yang berpanjangan dunia dan akhirat...amiin..=].

Wish me luck, .. and pray for me ya.., =]..gonna miss writing in here ..

Sayonara..everyone ! \(**,)/

.."I guess I've learned, to question is to grow
That you still have faith, is all I need to know
I've learned to love, myself in spite of me
And I've learned to walk, the road that I believe .."
- 'Do I Make You Proud' by Taylor Hicks

10 September 2006

fear of ..

I think human has many fears. Even the bravest of man, must be hiding certain fear deep inside them,..they're just 'putting a brave face' to avoid showing their fear, and admit tht they too, like all other human, have something they're afraid of.. Hmm.

Fear of rejection, fearing that there is something lacking or inadequate in us which cause the rejection. Fear to display our emotions, scared that it might make us look vulnerable. And weak. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of making mistakes or making the wrong decision.

I remember having some apprehension during my first few attempts preparing meal for my dad. I would taste the soup for nearly ten times, and each time, i would frown deeply, scrutinising the taste..does this taste good? more salt, ..? is this how it should taste..? And when i present my cookings, i would steal glances at him, trying to see his expression as he take his first sip. Fear of getting the disapproving look, fear of being criticised, ..to conclude it, fear of being a failure. Fail to impress my dad.

And when i was in school, due to unnecessary fear, smtmes i keep my mouth shut in class, eventhough the answer is just at the tip of my tongue. Because i fear being jeered by friends as The 'Ms Know-it-All', ' asyik2 dia je'. And this unhealthy set of fears too smtmes prevent me from doing the right thing, fear of wht ppl might say ..like Ms Goody-Two-Shoes ..? Sealing my mouth rather than voicing the words out. Pretending i dont see, rather than taking actions with my hands. Heh, u cared more about what human think ehh..naz...

Me and my fears. Used to fear lots of things. Scared of this, afraid of that. So used to being protected all the time, warmly living in my comfort zone, enjoying doing the common things i do,why? because the common and the usuals are safe. Hmm, need to learn facing my fears upfront and just ' gung-ho' all the way. Yes..it's scary, with loads of unknown risk which send shivers up my spine just thinking about it, plus the embarassment i've to swallow if it turn out not the way i hope it would..but..well, tht's how we live in this world rite, tht's the only way to grow. Learning from our mistakes and stupidity in life.

Obstacles, life's uncertainties, and doubts... things we bound to meet along the road. The possibilities tht what we hope and want so badly, wouldn't turn reality. The risk of falling down and fail. And there will alwys be the fear, which cause us to hesitate from making the move, or taking the next step. Whatever it is, it's normal to have some fears, and no, it's not a sign of weakness. You're just a human, and having some set of fears are just part and parcel of being a human. Acknowledge ur feelings, tht smtmes u are afraid, but u can do it. And u will do it, no matter how long it takes for u to make the first step. So, take a deep breath, open ur eyes..and just do it...!

01 September 2006

sedang ingin bercinta

Dah lama nak tulis tentang perkara ini, tapi dulu aku belum begitu memahami tentang keadaan ini. Rasanya sekarang ..dah fahamlah sikit2..=]

" setiap ada kamu, mengapa jantung ku
berdetak lebih kencang
seperti genderang mahu perang

setiap ada kamu, mengapa darah ku
mengalir lebih cepat
dari hujung kaki ke hujung kepala..

setiap ada kamu, otakku berfikir
bagaimana caranya
untuk berdua bersama kamu......"

- 'Sedang Ingin Bercinta' - DEWA

Sedang aku berfikir-fikir tentang perkara ni, wondering about why this happens, di mana silapnye..blabla, Tiba-tiba terdengar lagu ni dimainkan di tv. Ahh..maybe that's the sign, .. i better write about this now. Before i lost the moment.

Pemandangan biasa atas LRT, memandangkan aku adalah salah seorg 'penyumbang utama' kemajuan ekonomi LRT (haha), jadi aku dah lali melihat telatah remaja-remaja muda, yang aku rasa..berumur 15 thn ? 17 thn? or maybe younger than tht.. Hmm. If I see adults being lovey-dovey in public places, automatically my mind would think .." ni husband and wife nih..". Berbaik sangka is better. As i have no problem with married Muslim couples showing affection in public places, plus i congratulate them ( silently, tht is..eheh), for not being afraid to let ppl know that they're in love. With their spouse, who's lawfully theirs bound together under Allah' s name. But when it's the young, 'ubun-ubun masih lembut' girls and boys, clinging to each other, hugging tightly with the boy's hand exploring the curves and resting at the girl's b**t, i just can't bring myself to berbaik sangka and think that this is a married couple, which is hard to even pretend it's true. Some of these youngsters look so young to be called a secondary student. And wht saddened me most are the girls. They look so sweet and pretty clad in headscarves, but....hmmm. Maybe 'tudung' now is only a fashion ehh..? It means nothing other than just a piece of cloth on ur head.

Okay....take a deep breath, naz. I dont like when my emotions control my writing (and im very emotional since yesterday..for some reasons..). But everytime i go out and witness these scenes in front of my eyes , i can't help but ask myself..what are these 'young couples' thinking? That this love of theirs ( or their so-claimed love ) ..gonna bring them far, that they'll get married in the next 10-15 years and live happily ever after, like wht they see in movies..? And i wonder, do their parents know about this, that their daughter is in the arms of one 'hingus belum kering' boy, whose briefs still bought by his mom..? ( opsie ). Sorry if i sound too harsh or cynical,..but, really...what is wrong here? Is it our education system, too much politic and bleah bleahh instead of really educating the students..? Or our society, busy bickering about trivial matters other thn focusing energy on real, important issues..? Or our family institution..? Some ppl plainly answer me by saying.. " dunia dh akhir zaman, naz..nak buat mcmana.."

I might be one very skema student back during my schooling years, ( err..and maybe still am now..). But i was a normal growing teenager too, and I know how it feels to like someone at tht age. I dont say tht first love at the age of 16-17 wont last long, one of my friends got married with her first love. And it happens all the time too. It just..tht's not the point here..the thing is about the behaviours of these young Muslim teenagers, who are in the 'sedang-ingin-bercinta' stage. Who's acting like the world is theirs, oblivious to the annoyed and frowned looks from elderly-s around them in LRT.( err..tht exclude me, im not tht old..=p). If this is how our generations are right now, i can't imagine wht the future holds for us, the pictures of youngsters making out in public..?

Sometimes, i feel like approaching these young girls and pull them aside, saving them from being too far drowned in the flood of their so-called-love. It's not your time yet, girl..there's someone better waiting for u down the road, trust me. Dont waste your youth with someone not worthy of ur love and time. Dont ruin urself, ur dignity, ur family name..most importantly dont do sthg tht's against our religion teachings. Have some self-worth. A good man wouldn't treat a woman they wish to make a wife tht way, rubbing here and touching there. A good man knows how to control the urges...and oh yeah, plus the fact that the boy's too young to be called a man yet. If u really like each other....it's ok, keep the relationship, there's no harm in doing tht. Nurture the friendship, support, motivate and challenge one another in studies, secure a place in a good uni, and be the best of friends till the right time comes. Having a girl/boyfriend is not a bad thing, it only becomes bad when u make it look ugly and dirty by smooching each other like tht. Especially when we know it is forbidden in our religion, without the 'ijab and kabul' to make it permissible.

When u are in the 'sedang-ingin-bercinta' stage, when u like someone so much that being close to tht person makes u go.... hmmm.. 'kalau tak kuat dalam, memang tumbang.' Well..for us Muslims, we have rules, so stick to it. The rules are there for a reason, to protect us weak humans. I think the most important thing is, to always 'Ingat Tuhan, Takut Tuhan'. Itu shj. Mudah kan..?

And besides, one thing tht maybe this young couples dont yet seem to realise, is that they still have a veryy loong road in front of them, a journey that yet to be discovered. Who knows wht God has in store for u..., dont ruin ur chances. Study hard, be a good person, ..insyaAllah..." kalau kita menunggu dengan sabar, perkara baik akan menyusul.." =]. No rushy, still a loong way to go , kid...

29 August 2006

penawar hati

"..Tuhanmu lebih mengetahui apa yang ada dalam hatimu; jika kamu orang-orang yang baik, maka sesungguhnya Dia Maha Pengampun bagi orang-orang yang bertaubat..." - ayat 25, Surah Al -Israa'.

"..Jika kamu menjauhi dosa-dosa besar di antara dosa-dosa yang dilarang kamu mengerjakannya, nescaya Kami hapus kesalahan-kesalahanmu ( dosa-dosa mu yang kecil ) dan Kami masukkan kamu ke tempat yang mulia ( syurga ) - ayat 31, Surah An Nisaa'

"..Sifat-sifat yang baik itu tidak dianugerahkan melainkan kepada orang-orang yang sabar dan tidak dianugerahkan melainkan kepada orang-orang yang mempunyai keberuntungan yang besar..." - ayat 35, Surah Al-Fushshilat.

"..Katakanlah: " Hai hamba-hamba-KU yang beriman, bertakwalah kepada Tuhanmu ". Orang-orang yang berbuat baik di dunia ini memperoleh kebaikan. Dan bumi Allah itu adalah luas. Sesungguhnya hanya orang-orang yang bersabarlah yang dicukupkan pahala mereka tanpa batas.." - ayat 10, Surah Az-Zumar.

" Dan belanjakanlah (harta bendamu) di jalan Allah, dan janganlah kamu menjatuhkan dirimu sendiri ke dalam kebinasaan, dan berbuat baiklah, kerana sesungguhnya Allah menyukai orang-orang yang berbuat baik.." - ayat 195, Surah Al Baqarah

"..Barangsiapa yang mengerjakan amal saleh, baik laki-laki mahupun perempuan dalam keadaan yang beriman, maka sesungguhnya akan Kami berikan kepadanya kehidupan yang baik, dan sesungguhnya akan Kami beri balasan kepada mereka dengan pahala yang lebih baik dari apa yang telah mereka kerjakan.." - ayat 97, Surah An Nahl.

"..Sesungguhnya Allah tidak menganiaya seseorang walaupun sebesar zarrah, dan jika ada kebajikan sebesar zarrah, nescaya Allah akan melipatgandakannya dan memberikan dari sisi-NYA pahala yang besar.." -ayat 40, Surah An Nisaa'

.." Kerana itu, ingatlah kamu kepada-KU nescaya AKU ingat pula kepadamu, dan bersyukurlah kepada-KU, dan janganlah kamu mengingkari nikmat-KU "
- ayat 152, Surah Al- Baqarah

25 August 2006

short ponderings

what make a relationship a success ...?

learn to compromise and tolerate,
learn to share and open up your feelings to another person,
enjoy each other's company,
good communication,
have feelings to one another,
and most importantly..TRUST......
( any addition to this list, people..? =] )

but i think the best answer, would be, " two people who work together to make the relationship work "

"....being in a relationship is like getting a driver's license - if you want to be a motorist there are road rules to follow, or else you can just remain a pedestrian all ur life.." - WHY MEN DON'T HAVE A CLUE & WOMEN ALWAYS NEED MORE SHOES, by Barbara and Allen Pease.

20 August 2006

it's the hormone !..( yeah rite..)

those few days in a month. When u dont know why u feel so gloomy, lazy, unenergetic...and fat. When u have such a humoungous appetite tht cause u eating like u never eat before, like u want to swallow the entire fridge content. =/. And ruining ur body, mind and health. When suddenly u feel like crying for the slightest of reason, or sometimes for no reasonable cause at all. Being overly sensitive, cranky , moody, ...all bloated up and feeling unattractive. ..bleahh...=/....( haihhh...)

Part and parcel of being a woman ehh..? My mom disagree with this, she says tht by thinking of it tht way, woman will alwys surrender and accept this 'not-so-pretty' behaviour which will occur once in a while, in the few days before menstruation. She has a point there, should not use 'hormonal imbalances' as an excuse for acting weird or eating a lot. But ..ehehe... who else to blame other thn nature, dodging away from being the guilty person here.. ;]

eat too many chocolate. which leads to flaring up of allergy. because of allergy attack, become stressed and when u are stressed, u eat chocolate again. Talk about vicious cycle. =/.

Need to put a stop to this 'unhealthy' phase. Will start it right away....=D

Tomorrow, start ur day early. Smile to the sun..( i mean, the morning sun, not the burning hot 12 pm sun..). Wipe the 'habuk' from that bored-looking treadmill and jump on it. Read good novels, woman's magz. Meet up some friends. Go out naz, get some fresh air outside of the house, ( and stop declining invitation from ppl who's kind enough to help colour ur bland days.....)

Maybe a movie will help too...'Click' sounds like a fun movie to watch. A walk around KL..window shopping, Borders.,...and feasting at Kenny Rogers, that delicious pretzel, not forgetting the McDonald icecream =D....yeah, and also.. the..
(...Err, ..i dont think tht's part of the healthy living plan...naz ). .

19 August 2006

thank you Allah

Kecenderungan sifat manusia; mudah lupa. berkeluh-kesah. tak pernah puas. Sebelum dapat, sangat hendak, bermati-matian mahu. Tapi bila dalam genggaman, kita buat endah tak endah, kita tidak hargai.

We tend to take things and people we love for granted.

Mungkin cara untuk lebih menghargai adalah dengan mengingatkan diri kita bahawa ini adalah 'pemberian daripada Allah'. A gift from Allah. Daripada banyak-banyak hamba-NYA, Dia berikan kepada kita. Peluang untuk hidup sehingga hari ini. Kesihatan dan kehidupan yang baik. Dikurniakankan ibu ayah, adik beradik, keluarga tempat kita berlindung. Dianugerahkan kita keupayaan, kelebihan dan bakat tertentu yang mungkin tidak dimiliki orang lain. Dan dihadiahkan-NYA kita seseorang untuk menemani perjalanan hidup kita, menyalurkan fitrah berkasih sayang dengan cara yang diredhai-NYA.

Bila kita melihat seseorang atau sesuatu itu sebagai 'hadiah Allah' kepada kita, kita akan sentiasa ingin menghargainya, kerana ia pemberian dari Pencipta. Kita rasa bersyukur dan berterimakasih, serta tidak akan mensia-siakannya. Bila kita memandang 'hadiah' itu di depan mata, menerima dia menjadi milik kita, ingatkan diri bahawa ini adalah anugerah Tuhan, maka sewajarnyalah kita sebagai hamba merasa bersyukur. Pesan pada diri, anugerah Tuhan ini dipinjamkan kepada kita seketika di dunia, untuk kita menikmati sebahagian daripada kurnia Tuhan yang Maha Pemurah. Alhamdulillah..!

Terima kasih Allah..atas pemberian ini. Bantulah kami, untuk sentiasa ingat pada-Mu, bersyukur atas anugerah-MU dan memanfaatkan kurniaan-MU untuk kebaikan dunia dan akhirat. Berkatilah dan rahmatilah kami..wahai Tuhan Maha Pemurah, Tuhan Pemilik semesta alam....

Petikan sebahagian ayat 12 Surah Luqman :
".....Bersyukurlah kepada Allah. Dan barangsiapa yang bersyukur ( kepada Allah ), maka sesungguhnya ia bersyukur untuk dirinya sendiri; dan barangsiapa tidak bersyukur, sesungguhnya Allah Maha Kaya lagi Maha Terpuji.."

" ......Ya Tuhanku, tunjukilah aku untuk mensyukuri nikmat Engkau yang telah Engkau berikan kepadaku dan kepada kedua ibu bapakku, dan supaya aku dapat berbuat amal saleh yang Engkau redhai; berilah kebaikan kepadaku dengan ( memberi kebaikan ) kepada anak cucuku. Sesungguhnya aku bertaubat kepada-MU dan sesungguhnya aku termasuk orang-orang yang berserah diri.." - petikan ayat 15, Surah Al-Ahqaaf

11 August 2006

find the meaning

Do i ever mention in here before..about an amazing blog, written by a cancer patient, who suffered from a type of lung cancer..? He died peacefully on 4th of August after a year of battle to fight his cancer. May he rest in peace...

Got the chance to see him on tv, in Astro programme 'Ku Mohon', and was amazed at how calm and optimistic he was, talking about his cancer, sharing with ppl the pain and sufferings in such a way that makes it all look ,...serene and less cruel. In the frail bony figure,..smile was constantly on his face. Must be one wonderful man..

One of his entry caught my attention. About making a meaning of things that happen in life. Finding the reason to why he, ( and not some bad ppl who go around causing trouble in this world, err..this is my addition) who got inflicted with this terminal illness. And what he choose to do, to make use of his destiny, rather than blaming fate. He chose to blog his life..., hoping to increase awareness about cancer, and perhaps instill some sort of realisation in us about the important things in life. Things that we smtmes take for granted.

Here is an extract of his blog, an entry dated 22nd May 2005. Read on..maybe this can help to remind us the reasons, of our short existence in this world too..

Sunday, May 22 2005

Make Meaning

"There has to be a meaning in this". Don't we just hate it when something happened with seemingly no reason? For example someone affiliated with a disease. Some may wonder if a Higher Power is sending them a message. Some may speculate this is some form of punishment. Or one may just dismiss it as nature's lottery.

I decided to make my own meaning. Forget about Higher Power sending messages. Ain't gonna wait for no divine revelation. I want to decide, on my own, now, what I want to do with this cancer.

I was thinking...look...I got the biggies...you want lung cancer? I got both. Bone cancer...got it....Brain? check...lymph? had it. So what is the meaning of all these? What a waste to have all these cancers and let the guy just roll over!!!

So I have DECIDED that my cancer means:
- I MUST make use of this gift.
- I MUST make sure others benefit.
- I MUST regain my health so that I can say..."...I have done it, so can you..."

Now...I can show that one can have all these cancer and still make a CHOICE and DECIDE how you deal with it.

So what is my CHOICE?
- I choose to be brave, so that you can;
- I choose to enjoy learning to regain my health, so that you can;
- I choose to revel in this as an adventure; so that you will too.

I have decided on the meaning of my cancer. I have chosen how to deal with it. So I am inviting you again, come join Hee Boon on his Amazing New Adventures :)

- Foo Hee Boon www.fhbadventure.blogspot.com

Thank you Hee Boon, ..and yeap, u did it. Your optimism, the entries u wrote so diligently in your blog, your never-ending fight up until the end..all these efforts of yours, i know must have benefited someone out there. Thank you, ..for sharing ur life adventures with us,..=]

Make a meaning, find the reason...and try to focus on the brighter side of everything. Life is too short to be wasted with tears..

"..there's a meaning to life events, to teach us how to laugh more, or not to cry too hard.." - Anon

07 August 2006

having fun with the robe!

hmm...this is wht happen when the graduation robe is already hanging in ur room 5 days before ur graduation day. U just cant stop gazing at it, and every now and then, u keep checking that piece of garment to make sure that no bugs are crawling on it, and no unwanted wrinkles or stains at it. Duuhh...

And ur mind..( i mean, my mind..ehehe ), keep thinking as i look at the dark pink robe neatly hanged next to the mirror.." tudung warna apa nak pakai nih..? =/ "
Ok ok..i know some ppl, esp guys..must be muttering to themselves.." apalah itu yg difikirnya...." Eheheh.., it is important for me, a person who likes to make sure i dress my best,erm..most of the time, i mean. And this is graduation day we are talking about...=D, and i am excited..eheh, err..though speaking of clothes, now i remember tht i havent yet buy the baju to wear underneath the robe..=/. Err..bila nak beli ni naz..? Ok..esok. Back to the tudung discussion.

Spent the whole evening fumbling with the graduation robe, trying to make it sit still on my shoulder. Posing in front of the full-length mirror for hours, checking how it looks on me from all sides. Pretending tht im already on stage, walking proudly and waving to my parents sitting among the audience.( err..i dont think we can do tht, omit tht one ). Practicing my smile and the bow, as i receive the scroll... and who knows, the honourable man presenting the scroll to me would be captivated with my smile and later appointed me as his personal dentist..eheheh,...! =D

ok..its the tudung again. Tried drapping around my head a few different-coloured tudung, with my mom acting as the judge. But no counclusion or decision achieved, after hours of trying.

" mama rasa tudung hitamlah elok. Nampak masuk dan smart skett..tengok gambar mama dan kakak ms graduation.." ( huh..black..? not really among my fav colour..naz, must we consider favourites here..?)
" how about brown ?..ok ok, i know, kalau tak brown, ...tudung perang, light brown..? " ( hmm..takkan everytime pun nak brown...=/)

Kan best kalau diseragamkan semua org pakai tudung hitam, tak payah fikir2 nak pakai tudung apa...save my time and the hassle. Even better, seragam tudung brown. =D

And then i remembered my 'lucky tudung'. Have 2 of it, my fav tudung. The headscarf which i would wear when im feeling good,..because i think i look good in it. =p. The tudung of choice for special occasions..like, ermm.., any special day tht i want to remember =]. But it's quite worn out now..still, it's my lucky tudung, hmm..

Well.., there' still 5 days to go, plenty of time ....
I'll think about it tomorrow.....

02 August 2006

which are u?

Type One The Reformer
The principled, idealistic type. Ones are conscientious and ethical, with a strong sense of right and wrong. They are teachers, crusaders, and advocates for change: always striving to improve things, but afraid of making a mistake. Well-organized, orderly, and fastidious, they try to maintain high standards, but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic. They typically have problems with resentment and impatience. At their Best: wise, discerning, realistic, and noble. Can be morally heroic.

Type Two
The Helper
The caring, interpersonal type. Twos are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed. They typically have problems with possessiveness and with acknowledging their own needs. At their Best: unselfish and altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.

Type Three
The Achiever
The adaptable, success-oriented type. Threes are self-assured, attractive, and charming. Ambitious, competent, and energetic, they can also be status-conscious and highly driven for advancement. They are diplomatic and poised, but can also be overly concerned with their image and what others think of them. They typically have problems with workaholism and competitiveness. At their Best:: self-accepting, authentic, everything they seem to be—role models who inspire others.

Type Four
The Individualist
The introspective, romantic type. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. They typically have problems with melancholy, self-indulgence, and self-pity. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences.

Type Five
The Investigator The perceptive, cerebral type. Fives are alert, insightful, and curious. They are able to concentrate and focus on developing complex ideas and skills. Independent, innovative, and inventive, they can also become preoccupied with their thoughts and imaginary constructs. They become detached, yet high-strung and intense. They typically have problems with eccentricity, nihilism, and isolation. At their Best: visionary pioneers, often ahead of their time, and able to see the world in an entirely new way.

Type Six
The Loyalist
The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it. They can be cautious and indecisive, but also reactive, defiant and rebellious. They typically have problems with self-doubt and suspicion. At their Best: internally stable and self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others.

Type Seven
The Enthusiast
The busy, productive type. Sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness. At their Best: they focus their talents on worthwhile goals, becoming appreciative, joyous, and satisfied.

Type Eight
The Challenger
The powerful, aggressive type. Eights are self-confident, strong, and assertive. Protective, resourceful, straight-talking, and decisive, but can also be ego-centric and domineering. Eights feel they must control their environment, especially people, sometimes becoming confrontational and intimidating. Eights typically have problems with their tempers and with allowing themselves to be vulnerable. At their Best: self-mastering, they use their strength to improve others' lives, becoming heroic, magnanimous, and inspiring.

Type Nine
The Peacemaker
The easy-going, self-effacing type. Nines are accepting, trusting, and stable. They are usually creative, optimistic, and supportive, but can also be too willing to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly and be without conflict, but they can also tend to be complacent, simplifying problems and minimizing anything upsetting. They typically have problems with inertia and stubbornness. At their Best: indomitable and all-embracing, they are able to bring people together and heal conflicts.

31 July 2006

trivial facts

I found out a few things about myself. A self-realisation..? Dunno..tht sound too grand....eheheheh.

like alwys, i went out alone today. Spent the first few hours seeing DrX, yeah yeah..it's the allergy again. Alhamdulillah, it's geting better. Looks like i still need him, ops..i mean the pharmacalogical help....=p. Maybe i really should start thinking of finding a fresher air somewhere else, far away from this not-so-healthy environment. And after tht, spend some time in my fav place, Borders. Yeap. Where else. And make friend with the security guard, who every 2 second lingered around the bench i was sitting probably thinking.." when is this girl gonna purchase this book she's hogging for hours..?" Heh. He came to me, asking a few detective quesions. I think someone must have stolen sthg nearby, which i was unaware and oblivious about, quite engrossed with the book im reading. "..noo..i didnt see anything. No. didnt realise tht either..". Hehe..Me, a witness at a crime scene, unfortunately, not much help given.

oohh. ok....back to the point, the few things i learn about myself.

1. I used to avoid reading in moving transport, because it would make me feel quite dizzy. But today, i read in the monorail, and no, i didnt feel any dizziness at all. Hmm. Maybe because it's a novel, not a newspaper, with small letters which i really have to strain my eyes on each. Plus it's quite hard as i keep getting lost . Nevermind. ill just read novel next time. =]

2. And i realised tht i dont mind going out without any make-ups on. Hmm. Usually i'll at least put some moisturiser or foundation and smudge some lipgloss on, but today, i just wear my headscarf and out i go. Ok,ok.. u are right, because i was late, ehehe..and also because of the allergy flaring up on my face.., so make-ups are forbidden. Heh, still i can go all the way to TimesSquare. Bravo naz. = !

2. I used to think too that im not able to read and eat at the same time, it's hard to focus on either. But when u go out alone, and u feel hungry, and need to find an eatery... eating alone and not doing anything makes u look at ppl around, and ppl look at u. Suddenly, the uncomfortable feeling will ..yeah, smtmes. So.. read and eat. Not bad. Not that hard to focus, naz.. And i realise it makes u eat a lot more than u are supposed to,..'cos tetiba je.."aikk,,dh habis..?". The food, i mean..ehehe. And, knowing myself, i would want to avoid reading my kakak's book while i eat, cos..eheh, i dunno when my klutziness will show. Staining her books with coffee or ketchup..hmm, let just say that'll be the end of my borrowing her precious novels. eheheh.

4. i really, really like Aunt Anne's pretzel. Really like. =]

5. i alwys know tht i have a terrible sense of direction. But getting lost in department store, is simply, utterly unacceptable. Like when im out alone, i would pretend tht im looking for someone when the actual truth is im looking for my way out, or any possible recognisable alleys which would bring me out safely. And if im out with a friend, and we got separated in the mall, they would call my hp asking of my whereabouts..and answers like.." ermm.. im not really sure where actually ..ermm, im standing between the pots and pans, and a huge brown carpet , and there's this big sign of bla bla bla..." would come out =/.

6. ooh..and now, i like Kenny Rogers Roasters too. Just mentioning its name, my tummy grumble furiously...yummy! =D

7. and i dont like a marzipan taste =[

8. yeah..i am quite 'kolot' and way too careful about many things. Not that i dont realise this one fact before, but..when sthg happens, it makes me more certain of my 'kekolotan' or my reserved-ness..eheheh. Dunno-lah. It's just how or who i am, i think. Things like, not giving away my phone numbers easily, and alwys finding excuse to avoid meeting up some ppl, which im not comfortable at doing..( im sorry ), or when i sense tht....." uh-oh, this might lead to somewhere u dont want urself to be in..". Im not an anti-social, if tht's what u are thinking, it just,...smtmes, i tend to weigh the pros-and-cons of my action too much, and if the cons are more, i prefer not doing it. Avoid having complications and problems later on. Am i being too careful with life..? Hmm..maybe i should re-think about this one fact, try to be more be open to opportunities and options. To take more risks in life. And think less...naz, worry less...that is.

...okay, enuff blogging for today..bye everyone! =D

24 July 2006

riding in the car with ayah

The best time to talk with ayah is when he's driving in his car with me sitting next the driver's seat. The two of us. Father and daughter.

Like yesterday. I accompanied him driving to Kajang, Labu and Puchong, usually he'll go anywhere with mama, but since mom is not here and im the only 'penganggur' at home, my Sunday was later spent in the car with him. My earlier plan was to snuggle cosily in the seat and sleep, expecting my father to be absorbed with his fav radio station, KLfm or listening to his collection of Quran recitals. But instead..we spent the whole time talking, or more accurately speaking, he talked and i listened..eheh. And it turned out to be one of the poignant moment that i never want to forget, just by listening to his stories within that few hours together. Not that we seldom talk, but having a real father-daughter talk, the kind of conversation that i want to remember forever, his words and wisdom that i hope would guide me when he's no longer here.

My father is a real story-teller, maybe because he likes talking so much, eheh. Of course,...he's a lecturer who has to talk, obviously. My father is the guy who crack jokes in the house, and create uproarious laughter. His fav target to tease, who else, no other than my mom. He teases her endlessly, till smtmes it makes me think.." does he ever got bored or lose ideas ..?" Naah, never....he alwys come up with a new point to 'usik', and the laughter starts all over again.

Yesterday, he shared with me about many things. About life in general. About ppl. The cruel truth about human being, holding the tittle 'friends'. His childhood and adolescent years. About his love life with mama ;]. About missing his late mom ( arwah mok nab). Basically, about all the things i need to know, esp at this stage of my life. As if he could read my mind, he opens up and tells his stories, indirectly teaching me about life and answering the questions in my mind.

Throughout our talk, i noticed the changes of intonations in his voice. Sometimes, he sounds so 'bersemangat', along with his hand's motion. ( which caused me glancing worriedly at the steering wheel..eheh ). At certain time, his voice become deep and serious when he reflected his old memories. And i couldnt help but to sense his sadness at the mention of 'arwah mok nab'. As his eyes fixed to the road, he talked and talked. And i had to bit my lip a few time to prevent the tears stinging my eyes from trickling down, which dont ask me why..im alwys like tht ( maybe becos im a Water..?)..hearing my parent's words has that effect on me smtmes.

And i realised one thing too, how im so much similar to my father than my mom, in term of thinking. But he's the extrovert type , who speaks out things in his mind while im more introvert, who likes to keep it to myself, or write it out in here. I was surprised to hear him say the exact words i had in my head and share the same sentiments about things. Hmm..i am his daughter after all,..eheh..

Im glad that he did not listen to the 'stories'. Im glad he took actions based on his own judgement. And im mostly glad and grateful that he's my 'ayoh', who tried his best to be the best father to me and my siblings.

" kita dah berada di suatu yg tempat yang teduh, yg mana di sini kita bahagia, semua cukup dan ada. Tapi kita nak pergi berlari ke tempat lain, yg dari jauh kita nampak lebih baik dr tempat berteduh kita sekarang..sedangkan kita tak tahu lagi. Kita gadaikan keteduhan yg kita ada untuk ke tempat itu. Nasib tak baik, mungkin kena panah petir tengah jalan dan tempat yg kita tuju tu tak seteduh yg kita harapkan..." - his opinion about polygamy,..lucky mama, ayah never thought of tht option..=]

" kalau sesuatu perkara yg kita nak buat membawa kepada manfaat atau kebaikan, baru kita buat. Tapi kalau perkara itu membawa bersama risiko keburukan yg dh nyata, tapi kita saja-saja nak cuba, nak rasa..baik jgn buat.." - thanks ayoh, i learn from this.....

"..ibu bapa akan memberi pandangan dan penyelesaian yang terbaik untuk anaknya, hanya yang terbaik,.." -hmm..exactly...

"..dalam perhubungan kita dgn pasangan kita, mesti amalkan berterus-terang. Ayah jenis yang bercerita semua pada mama, berterus-terang dari zaman bercinta sampai sekarang...takde sorok apa-apa.. dan begitu jugak ayah ckp pd mama, apa2 hal mesti berterus-terang.." - insyaAllah, ..=]

Dan ayah sebutkan sepotong kata pesanan Allah dlm Al-Quran, Surah Al-Hujuurat, ayat 6 yang bermaksud :" Hai orang-orang yang beriman, jika datang kepadamu orang fasik membawa suatu berita, maka periksalah dengan teliti, agar kamu tidak menimpakan suatu musibah kepada suatu kaum tanpa mengetahui keadaannya yang menyebabkan kamu menyesal atas perbuatanmu itu.."

My ayah might not be the perfect man, or the perfect father. He has his strength, and like all other humans, he has his own weaknesses. But he's my father, who i know would give his world to us, who alwys put our needs and happines before himself. Who, beneath his serious look, lights up our house with his jokes and teasing. Who would let me sleep through the morning instead of waking me up to fix his breakfast. He would let the curtains down, to prevent the streaking sun from disturbing my sleep.

" ...ayah besarkan anak-anak ayah bagai menatang minyak yang penuh..jadi bila sampai masa nak melepaskan anak ke tangan orang.. bukanlah mudah. Dalam kepala risau dan fikir "bolehkah orang ini menyayangi, menjaga dan melindungi mereka ?"..."

Ayah..thank you very much. For everything.

21 July 2006

lesson in life


i alwys try my best to see the good in every ppl. When someone did sthg that hurt me, i would think, " this person didnt intend to do this, i must be over-ly sensitive here.." And it will end there, no hard feelings whatsoever. When someone point out finger at a person, saying all sorts of accusation and negative remarks about him/her..i would not believe or accept the words based solely on what i hear. Until the evidence are laid in front of my eyes, or that person claimed by others as nasty, do sthg to me, that makes me can't find any other way to see him/her as nice or harmless anymore.

And i've learnt, that some ppl are just plain nasty. When they want things to go their way, they'll do anything they could. Either they show their bitchiness or nastiness openly, or they mask their real intention with kindness. And the latter is the tricky one ,'cos u just dunno what's their hidden agenda and that makes them sort of dangerous, especially for some trusting, blurr and clueless ppl. If only they would just show their true colours, instead of putting a sweet face but at the same time killing u softly inside, attacking ur most vulnerable part and draw clouds in ur mind, as they played their game, watching u fall into their trap. There is only one word i can use to describe this type of people, they are 'cunning manipulator'.

No matter how u try to be positive, hope that u could kill the negative thoughts, sadly.. their nastiness just keep repeating itself in front of u, and u just have to give up trying.

One advice, avoid this type of people. They suck the energy out of u, leaving u feeling rotten and terrible. One thing for sure, they are not to be trusted. And what worrying is, the words they said, the psychological attack they implied on u..cause a permanent damage to ur once 'neutral' mind. If u let it be.

"... learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.."

20 July 2006


" kita tak boleh nak terlalu baik, kerana kita akan dijadikan mangsa orang lain.."
" tak boleh lurus sangat dlm hidup nih, kak ..nanti orang pijak.."

Among a few of my father’s words to me, quite an unlikely advice from a father ..hehe, but considering he knows his daughter best ...

Lurus. Or terlalu jujur. Aren’t honesty is regarded as ‘mulia’ and were taught to us since primary school. To be honest..

I never really see myself as an ‘honest’ or jujur person. I only try to be the best human that I can. I always said to myself, “ treat ppl the way u want them to treat you ”. But..sadly, the world is not ‘kind’ enough for us to adopt that 'naive' thinking all the time. Even when the inside of you want to smile, at certain places and to some ppl, u just have to put a serious, no-nonsense expression to prevent you from being toyed around their finger. Sthg which im still learning a lot myself.

If only people are more honest to one another, no lies or back-stabbing, no twisted statements or breaching trust, no self-centeredness or manipulations of others for personal gain..hmm, if every homo sapiens in this world are that saint, maybe we can even invite strangers home for a chat. And businesses can be run without putting elements of ‘white lies’ to make it work. Heh…dream on, naz..the world of kindness, is that too much to ask..? Recalling what my father said when I grumbled to him years ago "...kenapalah nak diadakan org jahat dlm dunia nih..?” His brief response to my query was "..kalau tak, takdelah pulak syurga neraka…”. Hmm..make sense.

I really want to teach my kids ( insyaAllah, one day..) to smile and politely greet people they meet along the way. I want them to know that it’s okay to accept stranger’s kind gesture and repay the generousity, so that they would grow up as a person with kind thoughts to others, to alwys ‘berbaik sangka’. I want them to be a good human being, be humble and nice to other people and spread kindness around them. But....considering the state of our world nowadays which is no longer safe..let just hope that we wouldn’t have to lock up our kids in the house in order to protect them from the dangers of cold-blooded humans!

May our future promise us better days of peace and harmony..amiin.

" Honesty is the best policy, but there's no harm to dodge around a little "..( oh really..? hmm...i dunno, quite disagree with this )

17 July 2006


woke up this morning with a troubling light-headedness, feels like the world is moving and had to close my eyes to reduce the nauseated feeling. What a way to start the day...hmm..

Not a bit of energy, more else enthusiasm, hmm..( nothing to be enthusiastic about anyway..). With the allergy manifesting itself early morning, and the bugging dizziness,..dragging my feet around the house seems like an acceptable thing to do. And now here i am, staring at the comp, racking my brain to complete my mom's 15 pages essay..(and btw, who in the world is 'rajin' enuff to read an essay tht long..? )

and i dont know what's wrong with me now but im turning into a forgetful, absent-minded woman..who is so unlike me. ( oohh..here's the drama queen, im exaggerating, ok ..it's not tht bad..=p ). But seriously..i used to know exactly where all my things are, from the smallest of thing like eraser or paperclips. Seldom have problem with losing or misplacing things as im quite particular with my stuffs. But i dunno, in less than a month, ive lost two things, okay..accurately speaking, i dont know where i put them. Been poking my head around the house, looking for it but to no avail, and im geting really frustrated. I cant even retrieve the last time i hold the CD or the EPO ( it's evening primrose oil..). Usually if i lose things, i would sit quietly and try to recall the last time i see it, and would follow the track that would lead me to it. Been trying the method, but ..no sign of success yet. Haihh..something must be occupying my mind totally..( or..is it someone..?hmm )

orait2..time to start working on the essay. What's 'minda kelas pertama' anyway..when u dont really understand the topic, how to write..?

Two weddings to attend,..another gift-hunting session, ..hmm..i like shopping, or going out window-shopping. But to buy a gift, it takes forever for me..!

orait..the essay naz..!

15 July 2006



A common saying ‘waiting is torturing' (penantian satu penyiksaan). Yeah..it is in certain situation, like when u are running late to go somewhere, but have to wait through gritted teeth for a veeerrrrry slow friend. And at the end, u are both late. In this case, the torture inside is to control the urge from shouting in anger to that ‘snail’ friend of urs but u can’t u do that. The fight to remain calm when u feel like ‘strangling’ tht person who makes u late for sthg important, with no acceptable or valid reason other than “..alaa..belum gosok baju…lah..”

And it kills too, when u have expected something to come, or to happen. How to explain this..hmm..like when u know someone is coming, and u had prepared everything. As u wait, u keep glancing at the clock and said to urself “ okay, another hour to go.” . And if that person is late, u would say..” okay, another 2 second, maybe it’s traffic jam..”. But that person never turned up. It tortures you..because u have expect that person to come, and was mentally hoping for it.

Waiting is sthg im used to since kid. When I was 6, I would wait for my big sister to come back from school. ( as I quit my tadika and have to stay at home, =/ ). Everyday. And would drool enviously listening to her stories about her days at school, her friends, ..and couldn’t wait to start going to school myself. (hehe..kakak..now I realise, I begin ‘following’ u since then.=p)

And when I was at CBN, again, I would wait patiently for my dad to come pick us up. ( when we had to stay back for the curricular activity, or when we missed our school bus due to one person’s ‘skema-ness’ who rigorously clean her classroom in spite of her two sisters disapproving and impatient glare ! =p). As I wait for my dad’s red Ford Laser, to kill the time, I counted the number of cars passing in front of me. I played with the bunch of keychains tangling at my pencil case or played ‘batu seremban’, the favorite game back during tht time. And it was within that period of waiting too, that i developed the habit of observing ppl from far. The thing about me is when I wait, I really wait. Not going anywhere, as I was scared that if i wander around, he would arrive and have trouble to find us.

And up until now, i still do the ‘waiting’. I have to wait for the bus, or the train. I wait for my friends to finish their shopping (err..actually it’s alwys the other way round..ehehe). Waiting for a call. Waiting for the right time to say or do sthg. Waiting is practically something we do all our life. And it's not that tormenting, provided we dont fret or grumble during the waiting period, and use the time to do sthg useful. (yeah2..easier said than done..i know.)

How to make waiting not too torturing..?
- think positive thoughts while u wait. Kill negative images or words which haunts by repeating to urself that.."everything's going to turn out allright..". Reassure urself when worriness surrounds you. Invite in only positive and kind words..trust me, it helps ..

-Instead of frowning and grumbling away, cursing the person or thing that makes u wait, share ur smile with the ppl around or who's waiting along with u at the bus stop. It brightens ur face, helps to cheer other ppl's mundane mood and u get pahala as well..=].. A smile from ur heart..!

-Keep urself busy ( though i know, it's really hard to concentrate on anything, esp when u are waiting for a call ). Clean ur room, read a book ( make sure it's a really interesting book! ), basically do whatever u could to avoid staring at the clock.

- if u are waiting for someone at public places, try 'people-watching'. No dodgily-staring at people, please..just subtly look, and let ur mind work, making a story about that person's life. Who is he..? What kind of work he's doing, judging from what ur eyes see, ..it can be quite interesting..and it helps to kill the time..

There are other ways, to make waiting not such a bad thing. Just, dont lose hope while u are waiting. The train will arrive, the person will come..it's just the matter of time. And if the person whom u are anticipatingly waited for fail to make an appearance, or late..tell urself that he/she doesnt intend to do so. There has to be a reason to why it happens. Rationalise the situation,,and u'll feel better.

" kalau kita menunggu dengan sabar, perkara baik akan menyusul..."

06 July 2006

dreaming dentist

Do I really wanna be a dentist..? .

To tell u the truth,up until now, im still not sure. Many things in my life, came to me unplanned, and I just face it head on. And the way I see it, this is the fate or path that God has lead me into, so I accept it gratefully and chant in my head “
this is what God wants for me, ill do my best..”

Not tht i hate dentistry, it is undoubtedly, very, very interesting. And I really enjoy treating patients, explaining to them, to the extent I draw on papers, to make them understand what’s going on in their cavitated teeth which causing them pain. I like making restorations on their teeth, esp front teeth, meticulously trying to patch the teeth back to its morphological form. I like the satisfaction, making their teeth look beautiful again, so they can flash their pretty pearls without shame. I like looking at their expression when I hand the face mirror for them to look at their new restored teeth, and they would nod happily "..ok..ok..” , forgetting their grumble and tiredness having to sit for long hours on the dental chair. I like all that.

It just..why oh why, am I so passion-less to read dental books, if I really like it, I should have read them like im wolfing down almond chocolate. I would have jump at every chance to bury my head in books. But nu-uh...i don’t. Looking at my not-so-interested expression in the mirror..cant help but wonder..do I really like dentistry..? ( naz, please stop questioning everything ..)

If im not a dentist one day..,..hmmm…

- I want to be a homemaker, a housewife in another word. Look after my family, without the worry of getting on-calls, or having the daily routine of getting caught in traffic jam, or dealing with silly 'birokrasi' at workplace. Dress pretty and greet my hubby at the door everyday, be a doting wife and mother. Ohh..plus I don’t have to worry about my children well-being, as ill be the one taking full responsibility of their upbringing. Be there all the time, won't miss a single thing. That’ll be like a life in heaven..=].

- or..ill be a kindergarten teacher. My own kindergarten. The one I paint, I decorate, I plan the schedule and syllabus, my kindergarten. What would be the name..hmm..? Now that’s the hard part…eheheh. But frankly, the dream is alwys in me, it just if I can kick my dreaming being and put myself into a ‘get into action’ mode, maybe the dream wont only be a dream one day. What would be the name again ehh..? hmm..

- Or ill be a writer. Though seems quite unlikely now, but I might, who knows. Face the computer 24/7, knocking on the keyboard till my hands sore and my head hurts. And once in while, when I experience ‘writer’s block’, ill go and spend some times somewhere to seek ideas and solace..( aren’t that what writers do.?.ehehe ).Me. A writer. Hmm..

- or a businesswoman. Haa..this is sthg I never think of. Hehe..no, I don’t have any business skills or experience, except helping my roommate to sell kerepek during my 3rd year. Thinking it back, i really enjoyed the whole process of getting the kerepek out in the morning, and taking it back in the evening, and counting the money at night. And almost every time too, I would have this confused look on my face as I stare at the calculator, trying to figure out some ‘complicated’ maths problem. “ kalau bnyk ni dijual, bnyk ni baki..ermm,berapa sepatutnya ni..?”. Ok2, not a business acumen, I know, but it’s a wonderful experience. And good money-making as well. Allright, just imagine ok, if I were to open a business, what type of business would it be..? Hmm..i think I want to sell paintings, artworks, …heheh..( might as well open a museum =/ ). Or flowers, ..being surrounded by flowers all my life, I'd like that =]. And let’s name my shop ‘Culture by Naz’..? ( =p, not so original ehh.. *wink* )

- or ..ill make chocolate! Yess.. ill be a chocolate maker..( suddenly imagining myself like Julliete Binoche acting along side Johnny Depp in ‘chocolat’..eheheh ). But,..naz , don’t u feel like u are betraying what u study, which in case u forget..dentistry ? Dental and chocolate sure don’t rhyme well. Nevermind, ill make sugar-free chocolate, though then it wont be as tasty and yummy like the Cadbury chocolate. Make chocolate ehh..,..knowing myself, ill rot my teeth in no time!

Enuff of day-dreaming naz.. back to reality life and reality spells ‘dentistry’. Heheheh..but suddenly had this picture in my head, my own chocolate empire.., i sure wont have problem to find where my future kids fav hiding place, right under the bundles of chocolate..all messy-looking with chocolate smears on their face..! Or...me, standing proudly in my own art gallery, with a thoughtful expression on my face, staring intently at the paintings..pretending to examine the blend of colours and looking knowledgeble about art. Or..me, in front of my flower shop..every morning greeted with the heavenly scent of flowers..and i would be called ' the flower lady' ..and i would always have this happy smile plastered on my face,and also must be very vibrant looking too..( why..of course, surrounded by beautiful flowers, who wouldnt ..)..and i dont have to face the same trouble everytime i need to find a gift to friend's birthdays or wedding..ill just give them my own creative bouquet of flowers!..Or..

Err...Naz, wake up... it's time to step back into reality..

04 July 2006

dont be a player ! = [

i just can't understand it..

" perempuan yg mudah perasan, atau lelaki yg main-mainkan perasaan..?"

okay, naz ..no generalisation please. Equally, both gender stand a fair chance of falling into someone easily, or jatuh 'perasan', whatever term to call it. Depends on how 'strong' we are in handling ourself. Though..yeah..being a woman, it's not that hard to 'melt' our rock-hard heart. Provided the right arrow is used. And maybe, shot by the right knight too..eheh.

Well, that's not point im getting to here. Have a tendency to stray away when i write..ehhe..

The same goes about being a 'playboy/girl'. I used to think that only guys are the one who enjoy playing and toying with a woman's heart. Naah..not anymore. Dunno what happened to woman's once very valued loyalty to their man. Some women are just as bad as some guys, .." player..player ". OR is it their fickleness, unable to set mind on one person, inability to make a decision..?

If u cant make up ur mind, dont give hope. If u are still not sure, dont play with ppl's feelings. The cruellest thing a guy can do to a girl is to make her soar high with hopes but doesnt intend to catch her when she falls, and vice versa. I alwys said this to myself, and to friends around me.." when it's friendship, be a friend...". Dont get urself confused by the vague definition between 'friend' and 'more thn friend', esp when they're ur good friends. There should be no problem if both parties know exactly where they stand. Set the record straight, have some boundaries..dont get urself entangled with love confusion or 'love triangle-rectangular' mess..it makes the process of getting to know each other less..fun, i think...

And one thing im very curious about, what do they feel, when they look in the eyes of one person, yet at the same time planning to say the same sentence to their tomorrow's date..? How can they feel happy lavishing their love ( or is it really love, God knows..) and romantic affection to so many ppl..? Dont they feel guilty..? Or is it im the one who's so serious about this matter,..when for some ppl.." it's all for the fun, when we still can choose ..". Ohh..really, so that's how some ppl see it ehh..

I dunno, different ppl, different way of thinking i guess. It just..call me 'kolot', ''old lady' or conservative or whatever..but i believe there should be a line between that two. When it's 'just friends', treat it like just friends. When u are still uncertain about what ur heart wants..dont go around flirting, make friends and be friends with many ppl, and get to know them on a friendship basis. Until finally u found someone who u think is 'the one', then u concentrate on him/her. Save the 'flirting moment' only for that person..dunno-lah., because i think some things, some words, ..should only be reserved for tht special someone.

Haihh..i think ive talked about this before, hmm..am i boring u ppl..? It's just..there's this thing on my mind, and i cant help but to think about it. To guys..dont make a woman 'perasan' if all u want is friendship. But maybe too, he doesnt realise that he's sending false signals, hmm...And to us woman, try not to entertain our feelings too much smtmes,..sure, plan ahead, but avoid dreaming too high, unless things are already pretty much clearer...okeh..?

Why am i talking about this, suddenly turning into a relationship expert once again?...Because of a friend, wonder how she's doing right now..? I really want to blame the guy, but i couldnt. Is it my girl friend who's been 'perasan' with his normal friendship gesture, or it's the guy who was the 'player' all along..? I stared at his back as he walk next to his another girlfriend ( i think !), which he declared as the 'serious' one..and wonder to myself.." are all guys like him..?". Thinking about my friend's excitement telling me about him, i really feel like i want to punch his face. A real hard punch.

30 June 2006

after exam...

Alhamdulillah, finally..thanks for the prayers. ..=].

( list yg dh dibuat lama dulu..skrg baru boleh post =] )

Things I wanna do after exam : ( this going to be a veryy loooong list )

1. Bayar nazar. Syukur pada Tuhan..=]

2. go and see my orthodontist. Been checking my teeth in the mirror every two seconds, as I feel it’s getting weirder. Like the occlusion has deviated a bit from its way of biting, and make me feel quite worried. Very worried actually. Okay2..i know, a bit of paranoia here, but that’s the problem when we learn about it, we know when it’s not normal. Need to put a stop to this worry and get it checked, padan la dgn muka sendiri, for being incompliant in wearing retainer and caused my orthodontically -aligned teeth to relapse..=/

3. read novels. All the novels in the world..ehhehe. Stay at Borders for hours and make it my second home.

4. master cooking and driving skills. This time, seriously naz, no more playing around like before. Err...not a really good cook yet, still learning a lot..=p. But it’s the driving part where I really need to muster all the strengths and courage in me,..sheesh, just wipe the fear off ur face and drive…ok?! Will force Abe to be my driving instructor..heheh.

5. Keluar dgn kakak. IF she refused, paksa!!! Ehhehe..no-lah..i can go out alone. Been doing tht all my life. Better exercise my feet as preparation for my outings session..as I like to walk when I go out! =D ( or ..is the main reason is because u can’t drive naz..? cehhh)

6. spend all my time with family. This is supposed to be on top of the list. Be the maid, let mama rest. Spend time berbual2 dgn ayah. When the first priority is to be their daughter, i will try my best to use it fully. Who knows where ill be send working after this, ..or where my destiny will lead me. If KL, alhamdulillah. If somewhere else, im ok with that too…=]

7. go and visit my old schools, CBN and SMAPL. Been wanting to do this for a long time, but haven’t had the time. Jumpa cikgu2, borak2...and thank them, as without their help and blessing, I might not be where or who I am today. HEheh..can’t wait to meet them, and one very expected question that will surely pop out from their mouth would be “ awak ni, bilanya lagi nak kawen..?”. =] My sis, Bie told me that Ustzh Epuziah been digging juicy infos from her..ehheh., cikgu2...

8. chat in ym every night...=]. InsyaAllah..will be available most of the time.

9. find out about locums...? Need the experience. Plus it's time to build my future..takkan nak depend on parents money lagi..

10. Buy the ‘Choc Moist’ cake ingredients and bake one! ....been craving for it, and dreaming of baking one....yummy!!! Really hope it’ll turn out a moist choc cake, and not the ‘bersepai2-hancur’ type of cake…=/

11. Make Abe life miserable by joining him when he stays up for football match =p. Wanna learn a few things about football. Especially since it’s the World Cup season. Not to the extend of becoming an expert ( cos it will never happen, tht’s for sure! =p) but..nak tahulah sket2…heheh..

12. It’s self-pampering time, naz, time to indulge urself with beauty regimes. Been neglecting myself, time to recharge inside out, And kakak..heheh, im all urs, if u wanna practise ur massaging tech or facial, im 100% willing…=]..and also the yoga-belly-dancing too. Ok2..i wont 'curi-tulang'..

13. And.., naz, FINISH UP imah’s sarung bantal, which has lasted for about a year I think. So much for my surprise gift which has turned out to be a gift-in-waiting due to my bad habit of procrastinating. Sorriie-lah imah…this time, ill get it done! And when u come back next year, ull be sleeping on it..( err..dont u think u are being waay too ambitious here? Remember last year…?). ehhe. Hopefully not another false hope.

14. Go to PTC and watch the Japanese movies ive been wanting to watch. It’s free anyway….

15. help my parents at Puchong. And btw..bilanya nak pindah nih..?

16. read the old newspapers. Before mama buat operasi and throw them all out. Make paper cuttings if I found anything interesting and worth keeping ( dulu nak buat papercutting psl tsunami, ade lagi ke paper thn 2004 dulu…=/)

17. clean the house. From top to bottom.

18. buy new sandals, practical one, naz..not the stilleto-type or high-heels that would cause u footache or landing facedown on the stairs. Practical and comfortable sandal.

19.watch discovery channel, .ehhe, ths is the new resolution. Hope to be more knowledgable about many issues under the sun..and besides, ayah dok membebel "...tengoklah jugak discovery channel nih,asyik tgk drama je! ”..

20. Again, make Abe life miserable by asking him to accompany me every Saturday for the mouth-watering ‘cendol+pulut’ at Pasar Malam. Let just hope he forgot about his idea to reminisce our good kanak2 days’ and drive to Tmn Perdana after that for some monkey-watching activity…cehh.tak molah!!

21.write in my blog!!!=D

But first...settle the unsettled business dulu!

28 June 2006

thinking of someone

Seriously thinking of someone.=/. What to do ehh, to lessen this ‘constant thinking’, or at least make it bearable…

- call that person..?
not really possible at the time being. And besides.. ‘malu-lah’..eheh.

- write an email..?
done that before. Not a really good solution to cure the ‘thinking’ ..and I alwys end up babbling nonsense.

-send sms…?
Sama je cam tulis email. And I have this problem with sms, I write looong texts..i might as well just write letters!

-go and talk with some friends..?
hmm..might be a good idea,,

-watch some tv..?

-how about indulging in ur favourite pastime activity..? eat ?
...excuse me, it’s not really my ‘fav pastime activity’ anymore. But yeah..eating ehh. Let’s look what we have in my room, stale crackers and dry apple ?…hmm...=/

- write ur blog ? ur forever fav hobby..?
what do u think im doing now, may I ask..?

-go clean ur room and start packing ur stuffs? btw..bila nak siap packing nih?!
ehehehe..in progress. the 'Monica' side in me is planning and organising on how to box my things properly in stages, starting from books, and moving to clothes. The problem is, the 'nostalgic' me cause the packing time to be longer,eheh...with " ..i cant believe i still keep this 'ancient' things.oh my.. it brings old memories..=/ ". And i have this habit of keeping everything,.." ehh sayang nak buang nih, boleh guna lagi..bla bla.." So..let just hope im done with packing by Friday..yeah2.....

- read novels, or old newspapers..or any magz..?
hmm..going to, after ‘letting it out’ in here..

-How about making this ‘thinking of someone’ sthg beneficial..? Everytime u think of that person, send a prayer to his/her way. A silent prayer in ur heart, wishing that person happiness and good health,......
The best answer..insyaAllah..ill do that…=]

26 June 2006

a beautiful day

Pagi tadi, atas bas terpandang ke langit. Wahh..sangat cantik, subhanallah ! Awan putih kelihatan berbaris-baris, membentuk satu rantaian ombak yang memenuhi seluruh langit. Punyalah excited melihatkan ciptaan Tuhan, terus pusing cakap kat org sebelah.." cantikkan langit ?". Confused je muka dia..eheheh.

Alhamdulillah. Teruslah cantik ye langit..selamat perjalanan kapal terbang sampai ke destinasi. Orang kat atas flight tengah buat apa agaknye...hmm..

baru habis exam oral. Haih..kenapa selalu jawab tak lancar ehh, daya keyakinan diri yg kurg ke apa. Yg tensennya asal exam jadi mcm tu, masa tgh berbual bende mengarut punyalah laju mcm tak reti berhenti..=p. Nasib baik Dr Naga sgt baik, sepanjang sesi oral exam paediatric. Alhamdulillah sudah selesai..semoga semuanya lepas dgn baik..amiiinnnn.

okeylah..lots of things to do. Wish me luck..bye!

And thank you Allah..for this beautiful day...=]

24 June 2006

kalau dh bukan 'rezeki'...

Aku sentiasa sudah ada gambaran awal bende yg aku nak dlm kepala. Contohnya, kalau nak beli sandal. Dalam kepala aku, gambaran sandal yang aku inginkan tu dah ada, nak yg jenis mcm ni, rupa begini. Dan aku akan cari sehingga jumpa sandal yg menyamai ciri-ciri yg aku dh bayangkan ni. Dan bila aku kata 'cari' ..aku memang cari. Tu pasal , kalau dah set dalam kepala nak 'shoe-hunting', aku lagi suka keluar sendiri. Sebab tak nak menyusahkan kawan2 yg akan kepenatan melayan' kedegilan' aku ni.. Baik keluar sendiri, cari sampai puas hati.

Dan setiap kedai kasut yang aku masuk, mata akan perhati deretan sandal2 yg ada. Bila ada yg menyerupai gambaran sandal yg aku dh lakar dlm kepala, aku akan belek, try pakai, nilai harga, dan ambil kira keselesaan. Kadang-kadang 'yg cantik di mata, tak selesa di kaki'. Dan pendapat orang pun takkan sama dengan kehendak hati kita. Aku biasanya takkan terus beli. Aku akan masuk kedai2 kasut yg lain, buat comparison pros-cons utk sandal2 yg dh di'short-list'kan. Lepas tu baru akan beli. Dan biasanya..aku akan puas hati dan takkan menyesal. Kerana itu pilihan aku yang telah aku pertimbangkan justifikasi pembeliannya.

Dan kdg2 kerana terlalu berhati-hati dlm membeli, aku tak terus beli sbb nak fikir dulu. Mungkin faktor duit belum cukup, mungkin sebab takut ikut nafsu membeli je. Dan akan dtg pada hari yg lain utk beli. Pernah berlaku, bila aku dah cukup duit, dan dah memang determined nak beli..tengok-tengok dah takde sandal tuh. Memang rasa sangat terkilan, sebab aku dh jumpa sesuatu yang aku suka, tapi tak bertindak segera untuk memilikinya. Akan salahkan diri sendiri, kerana ambil masa lama sangat untuk buat keputusan. Walhal hakikat sebenarnya...sandal itu dah memang tertulis bukan 'rezeki' aku.

Ini baru nak membeli sandal, kalau nak memilih sesuatu yang lebih bernilai dan berharga..apatah lagi.

hmm....Tadi shopping sandal. Sepanjang sesi 'sandal-hunting' berseorangan, bnyk bende boleh difikir. Antara kebaikannya bersendiri, kerana kita akan diam. Bila diam, banyak bende fikir.

Ada org pernah kata.." kalau dah memang bukan rezeki kita, makanan dalam mulut pun lagikan terkeluar.." . Nak dipegang kemas mana pun, nak diikat rantai sekali pun, kalau dah bukan 'rezeki' kita,..tetap bukan rezeki kita.

Cuma..bila kita dah jumpa sesuatu yang buat kita fikir.." yeap..this is it. ". The search has finally come to an end. Yang membuatkan kita rasa tak nak melepaskannya selagi ada kudrat kita. Kerana kita rasa kita dah jumpa apa yg kita cari-cari selama ini.

Kerana perasaan yang melimpah-ruah begini, kadang-kadang kita jadi terlupa, keupayaan kita yang terbatas sebagai manusia. Kita boleh merancang, boleh memasang angan-angan, boleh merangka perjalanan masa depan..sedangkan penentunya adalah DIA, Tuhan yang Maha Mengetahui apa yg terbaik untuk hamba-Nya. Bila sesuatu berlaku yang...errr , ..terasa macam Tuhan nak 'ketuk' sikit kepala hamba yang terlalu asyik menganyam mimpi agar kembali berpijak di bumi. Agar tidak alpa hakikat masa depan yg masih belum pasti. Hmmm...

Percaya apa juga yang akan berlaku esok adalah yang terbaik. Kita boleh usaha, berdoa dan bertawakkal..selebihnya kita serahkan pada Tuhan. Dan sentiasa berbaik-sangka pada-Nya, kerana TUhan menyertai sangkaan hamba-hamba-Nya.

22 June 2006

the boy i like

Some friends asked me this question back during those days. The days when everyone fancy someone. The years when boy’s issues appeared to be an interesting topic to talk about. Those teenage years, when we were at the age of 15-16 years old. The period of time when the boys grow taller and walk in herds, and the girls learn how to look pretty and make face-mirror their inseparable bestfriend ( and still do until now..=p).

“.. Naz, bgtaulah, siapa yg naz suka..? Takkan takde suka sapa2 kott..come on…Is it A..? Or B ? haa..mesti C nihhh..kan?” prodding me along with a curious look on their face. And I would smile mysteriously, enjoying the attention while asking myself “.. who do I like..?”.

I remember listening about the boy they like. Some of them wrote letters and when no one’s watching, stuck it in the boy’s locker. Some would combined names, or birth-dates and scribble it on every single thing they own eg ‘azura’ + ‘jamil’= ‘AzuMil’ or sthg like tht. Sometimes, they count ‘percentages’ (..how to cerita, kira peratus nama tuh..eheh, had a few share of doing this myself..), and then squeal in delight when the percentages are high, as if that indicates ‘compatibility’. Some other prefer to keep it to themselves, enjoy being a ‘secret admirer’, but we know they like someone judging from the ‘mysterious’ nicknames and ‘words combination’ found in their notebooks. And some of the girls choose to discuss the boy openly in their group of friends..and I would listen, and think “..
aren’t they afraid telling ppl about this…considering that the words might spill to the boy’s side, and to that ‘particular’ boy’s ears.?”.

During that time, I had no story to share, no particular boy to talk about or ‘squeal’ at. Basically, I was only a listener, or observer. Not that I want to be like someone im not, it just that smtmes I wondered how is it, to have a certain liking to a boy and declare it to public. Looking at these ppl around me, each having a ‘crush’ on someone, I did ask myself “..aren’t there someone I suppose to like too..?.”. I did have a few ‘crushes’ ( .. I was a normal growing girl ok..;]..)..but I never entertain the feelings, as I believed it is only transitory and not worth thinking about. And besides….eheh, I was a ‘skema’ student..huhu..=p

so..at the peak of my blossoming teen life, I decided to have ‘someone to like’. To divert a little of my attention from books, and to ‘join the crowd’. To feel how it is. I picked someone from my class. He is a quiet boy, alwys seemed to be in his own world, and I believe studying is his passion..eheh. I begin stealing glances at him, looking at his serious expression as he fixed his eyes in books. I never tell a soul, as I was scared that I might be teased around when ppl know about it. But the strongest reason of me keeping it to myself, is because I wasn’t really sure what I was feeling, is it ‘like’ or sthg else, I dunno...=/. Because of that uncertainty, I didn’t want the boy to know, didnt wish to make him ‘perasan’ ( as he is a good boy, I want him to stay that way ) and then I would have trouble to explain it later. What i knew was, I want to like someone...that’s all =]. Eheheh..silly, silly..me…but amidst my silliness, the ‘seriousness’ remains..aiyoo, naz..it’s only zaman kanak2 ribena maa…dont have to be so serious, but can’t help it, it’s who I was, and still am.

I don’t remember how long I like the boy. Recalling the times when I smile amusedly looking at him eating ice cream, and after that he eats a bag of ‘keropok’ and the munching continues..and there I was thinking, “ issh…makan sorg je..”. He usually would ‘accompany’ me studying in the class, him at the boy side, and me at the ‘puteri side’. And when I was in my ‘lazy mood’, looking at him so seriously studying would make me sit up straighter and said to myself “..study..naz, study. Dia study maut tuh ..”. Thinking it back, im not sure if we ever utter a single word to one another…hmm.

I think the 'fancying him' stopped when one of my friend started to ‘announce’ that she too, like that boy. Since no one knows about my ‘little secret’, it was not a problem for me, and silently too, the feeling just died. One thing I learn from it, heart can be very mouldable. Even if u don’t like someone at first, but if u keep ‘thinking-telling’ urself that u do, or u let ppl around ‘cucuk-cucuk’ by pairing u with that person, suddenly u go all fluttery and blush at the sight of him, or at the mention of his name. Eventually..it will trigger ur heart in a way u didn’t expect. So..dont ‘cucuk-cucuk’ if u are not ready to face the consequence of really falling for that person.

So there..a little story of a boy I once like. Hmm.....if he had offered me a piece of that ‘keropok’..maybe, i might want to fight for his attention.. =p..just kidding ! ( yeah..like the boy would bother responding to it..,;] )