31 March 2006

kena tipu..( aiyoo..)

Smtmes I wonder, do I have any label or ‘cop’ on my forehead with words “come and fool me, ‘cos Im easily fooled !”....

Back in school, there was this one boy, who found pleasure in teasing me. From displaying my things at the writing board and jumping out of nowhere to scare me,.. I didn’t really mind that much, but..it could get really sickening and embarrassing at times, thinking why was I the target. Was I that gullible..?

Speaking of gullibility…

One day, he rushed into class, all serious looking and said to me..
“ naz..cikgu shamsiah nak jumpa ko sekarang. Kat bilik guru. Sekarang ,” blinking his eyes in solemnity.
“..hah..?! kenapa ?,” panic-strickenly.( muka risau toksah ckplah )
mana aku tahu. Pergilah,” not even looking at me.
(This must be serious. This jovial, clown-class is speaking one straight sentence without cracking a joke). I hurried to the teacher’s room, my mind was nearly exploding thinking of all sorts of worst thing tht could happen. Was it my Addmths ? I know im never a whizz in maths, more else addmths..But, was it tht bad..?! I fastened my steps..
cikgu nak jumpa saya ke..?” I timidly asked the lovely looking teacher who was in a middle of conversation with another cikgu.
huh.? Bila masa saya ckp nak jumpa awak..?” dubiously asking me. Huh?
“ tapi..tadi..*** ckp cikgu nak jumpa saya..” ( the ever blurr me still didn’t get it..)
“ takdelah. Awak dh kena ‘makan’ dgn dialah tuh..” smiling at me. Excusing myself as I left the group of smiling teachers, I turned and marched back to class, fuming. And from far I could hear his shrieking sound of laughter. Eiiieeii……!!! =[

And I thought that days were over. But then, I got fooled again from time to time, esp by my brother. And my father too smtmes. And the thing is, I never really get the signals or hints that a ‘lie-is-on–its-way’,.. I just kept tumbling head down into it. There were times when I answered the phone and it was a male voice at the other end of line ( deep, booming male voice tht can make stomach flutter). And this ‘male’ caller would introduce himself as someone acquainted to me, and I would fumbled thinking hard who it would be, and after a couple of minutes, a burst of laughter reached my ear, and a familiar sound took place….

oit..ni Abe-lah…! Apa lah kak nih..”. Great. Again.

Like tht was not enuff. I got fooled by strangers too. Strangers who approached me, with sorrow looks and pitiful faces, asking for help, straightforwardly speaking..money. And I end up handing out money to some liars, even worse, to some scruffy looking guy who will use my money to buy drug. And also guys who would cut the line when I were lining up for taxi, with excuses like he would miss his plane or he will die if he can’t get to tht place on time etc.. leaving me looking flustered and nodding feebly to his request, of should I say, lie. To make matter worse, the rest of the ppl lining behind me would then give disapproving looks and comments as to why i let that guy cut the line when they had spent hours lining up behind me..?

This whole ‘kena tipu’ scenes should and would end. No more. Especially trusting words from strangers. Okay…teasing here and joking there is fine, I don’t mind laughing at myself....and besides, like what P Ramlee said in one of his songs..

" Kalau hidup tak bergurau senda, hilang nikmat cinta..". It just, maybe.. I too, should learn how to play prank on other ppl, or at least learn how to lie, at least one teeny-white lie. Wonder how it feels to watch the innocent and believing look of other ppl, falling into my prank..heheheh....; ]

28 March 2006


" what's wrong with falling down,
..u can always stand up again.."
- 1 Litre of Tears..

things gonna be alright, naz...everything's gonna be alright...

27 March 2006

bukan cinta biasa

Coincidently, as I was drafting this entry in my blog, it happened to be this morning’s topic in Hot.fm radio station, conducted by the ever-cheerful Fara Fauzana and Faisal Ismail. As I was getting ready to class, I listened interestedly to the callers comments. Hmm..looks like it’s the ‘in’ and the trend nowadays ehh.. “ young woman falling for older man ”.

And I thought the ‘Datuk K and Siti’ issue is only gossiped among friends as we gathered together, funny that our Prof brought up this topic in MOS class, asking each students to give opinions about it. Heh.., I think I know why, because he is like a ‘father’ to us, and probably a father to some lucky girl out there, who was trying to tell us something in an indirect way about this issue. Lebih kurg mcm cara ayah aku bila nak menyatakan rs tak sukanya terhadap sesuatu. Dia akan cerita psl perkara2 yg lain, tapi dlm bercerita tuh, perlahan2 dia menjurus ke maksud sebenar. Kdg2, ayah tak perlu nak hurai pjg..aku dh dapat tangkap maksud berselirat sebalik kata2 dia. Ayah2..takde lain..cukup risau hal anak2, sampai dh besar panjang pun masih dlm kerisauannya jugak…ehhe.

But what my prof said the other day is right. Bila jarak usia terlalu sgt, akan ada kemungkinan wujud masalah dalam komunikasi. Pemikiran org berusia 50-an pastinya tak sama dgn org yang dua kali ganda muda drnya. Kehendak, keinginan, kemampuan dan kudrat jugak dh jauh beza. Bukan tak boleh atau tak elok, mungkin juga takkan wujud jurang komunikasi ni, but the chances are, hmm..there will be. Kerana dua generasi yg berlainan. Tapi…yelah..bila dh ambil keputusan utk itu, apa2 jugak yg dtg, harus diterima dan dihadapi sebaik mungkin..masa inilah kekuatan cinta jd ukuran.

Kalau aku-lah …“ini aku katakan ‘kalau’ ”..(sapa boleh teka dialog filem apa ..ehehe), I don’t think I would go for this kind of risk. Apart from my father would never approve of it, the image of a marriage in my mind does not comply with this idea of ‘marrying-someone-twice-my–age’. Hmm..but again, ‘lain orang, lain lah..’, apa yg aku rasa dan fikir tak sama dgn apa yg Siti, Norjuma atau org2 lain yg melaluinya rasa. Bukankah kebahagiaan, kecantikan, dan segala macam bentuk perasaan itu subjektif, terpulang kpd org yg melalui dan menilainya. Mungkin, we should also listen to their part of story..then perhaps, we could understand why they choose the person, beating the odds and putting a deaf ear to disapproval voices around them.

What is it that older man possess that can melt a young woman’s heart..? That must be one of the thing twirling in our mind as we talk about this. My prof said, and I agree very much to this..is confidence. Yeap, confidence in a man is one of the thing woman found sexy and attractive. A man’s confidence yields his male-ness, indirectly shows his inner strength and his ability to protect and provide security, one of the thing women crave for in a relationship with a guy. But..as I think about it, why older man appeared more confident and full of composure is because he has already passed the years where he was the young, inconfident man trying to make a decent living and who’s still very unsure about many things in life, the state where Im in right now. (..eheh, that proves Im still young =p ). But it makes sense-kan..we can’t compare a 25 yrs old to a 45 yrs old man in their confidence level, or state of stability, or their incomes or savings. It’s like trying to compare a cute duckling attempting his first swim to a swan padding away proudly in the pond.

I can go talking about this endlessly, but I have to restrain myself from getting carried away and pretend to forget about this big exam coming in a month time. But again..back to the topic above, let them choose the life they want, without the pressure from the crowd, offering opinions on how they should live their life. Im referring to the media ppl, who was like following their movements every seconds and manipulating their statements for the sake of selling their paper. That’s the price to pay when u are Siti Nurhaliza ehh..but, give her some space to breathe. She also wants to enjoy being in love after all the years of hard work.

Older guy may seem more matured in conversations and their demeanour. Older man may look more convincing to a woman because they are more stable in terms of their living and finances. Apart from looking knowledgeable about life due to them having more experiences, recalling one of my friends opinion about this, older men are more patient ( 'penyabar' ) in dealing with unpredictable temperament of a young woman. Dunno-lah…as for me,.. i see marriage as a journey of experimenting and experiencing life together with my spouse, make mistakes and learn from it, be in love and enjoy the years to come, basically.. grow old together. Apa2 pun, no matter what kind of life u choose, choose wisely as we have to take the responsibility of the choices we make.

Hmm..maybe love is BLIND after all…

24 March 2006

the silent moment

one thing about Japanese dramas/films that I really like, is their ‘silent moments’. The scenes where the actors would stare into space, thinking. The stillness of the scenes, basically that’s what I mean. And amazingly, in that silent moment, the feeling inside them are expressed without the needs of saying it or acting it out.

There are many things about Japanese dramas which make it ‘different’ from Korean or Chinese ( more else Malay dramas ! lmbtla lagi..). How the story’s presented, how they expressed it on screen. Not to say all Japanese dramas are that great, but..so far, I alwys find a different satisfaction after watching them. The way they talk about life’s issues..esp love and family, in such a way that is simple and subtle, but..it went straight to the heart, and left me thinking about it. But again..it’s personal preference..lain org..lainlah..( tau... kakak!!! Ehehe)..

Speaking about ‘silent moment’..smtmes, when situation gets too silent, it becomes kind of awkward, esp when u are on the phone with someone or talking to him/her face to face. When there is a long pause, and u just dunno what to say to break the silence. At the same time, ur mind are running 100km/hr, trying to find a thing to say. Maybe u are uneasy because of the silence, or maybe u just dont want the person at the end of the line to think that u are a plain, boring, dull person and start to head towards exit door. And smtmes too, because u are such in a hurry to talk and sound ‘chatty’, u began to ramble nonsense, u don’t really listen to the person talking because u are racking ur brain preparing of what to say next, ... basically..it’s like u just talk without knowing what u talked. The feeling is,..ermm..how to say it…empty ? feeling-less? Unfulfilled ?..it doenst feel like how it supposed to feel. Am I making any sense here..?

Thinking about it, maybe that ‘silent moment’ or ‘long pause’ is not sthg that we should fight after all. Not to say that we would have a ‘mute’ conversation, it just if the ‘silent moment’ appears, let’s not try too hard to overcome it. Let the moment be still, and in that brief period of silence, perhaps we’ll be able to really be ourselves and not struggling to be ‘talkative’. In that moment too, given some time to think normally, we’ll be able to say what we want to say the way we want it to be said, and not just babble out anything that crossed our mind. But most importantly, we’ll listen to the other person whole-heartedly and attentively, feeling the presence of his voice in our ears and then respond accordingly, the way it should. And then perhaps, the conversation would be much, much more fun, enjoyable and meaningful..thanks to the silent moment.

And maybe too, as u ponder and think quietly within the long silence, the deepest part of u emerged and be shown without u having to force it out. No matter if u are talking to the person over the phone or sitting next to each other, the silent moment will surely fill in once in a while. Just treasure some of the moments, ..maybe it is there for a reason.

23 March 2006

tumbling with Tumblebug

At last. Lepas jugak Level 3 .Heheheh….

After seems like forever stuck in Level 3,..ive finally shifted myself to Level 4 earlier this week.( ..and God knows for how long ill be struggling in Level 4 nih..=/ ). And what infuriates me is that all my friends were already smugly announcing that they’ve finished all 12 levels, some are in their Level 8 or 9..and here I am, still crawling like turtle in Level 3..ops, Level 4 ( like there’s a big difference between that two ).

Btw..im talking about ‘Tumblebug’ game. Not the kind of game adult choose to play, but it’s fun and very colorful too…heheh. And the only computer game I play.. ( sob ) apart from ‘Digger’ or ‘Tapper’ , the game I used to play when I was a kid. Yang tu pun lah …I remembered furiously knocking on the keyboard to ‘save’ myself from ‘dying’..which happened all the time. When it was Digger time, I would be frantically trying to run away from being killed by the villains, but alwys end up stranded and ‘dead’.( in the game the term is ‘Rest in Peace’ ). When I was playing Tapper, the same situation would occur, the game would end with me rushing like maniac to serve drinks, but in the end all the glasses would be crashing on the floor. Guess what my brother grumbled when I played playstation with him was not entirely wrong..( punyalah tak nak ngaku tuh..)..”Kak ni tak cekaplah..”. Cehhh..

Okay..okay, I admit, maybe..computer game is really not my thing. And maybe because I keep dying, or getting punched sampai tak bangun2 in the ‘fighting’ game, or keep losing when it’s racing game or whatever game pun lah…are among the reason why I don’t really play computer game. I would be writing or watch movies in my computer, seriously..i don’t play computer game for a very long time, that is after Digger or Tapper years, which was like 10 -13 years ago. Until I found Tumblebug. Yeap..until Tumblebug.

It’s a kid’s game alright, and at this moment, im tumbling unsuccessfully in each level, gruntling with frustrations whenever the ‘bug’ appeared on screen with words .." Hahah! Now ur friends stay with me FOREVER..!!..” indicating that ive lost all the lives provided. Again. Nevermind..ill reach that Level 12 soon. Ermm…might not be that soon..ehheeh, but I will one day..=<.

But, I dunno, it might be my imagination, tp kan..bila asyik2 mati shj in each task, the next repeated round tu mcm lebih mudah, mcm slow je bug2 tu bergerak, dan mcm bnyk je colour2 yg sama…is there a possibility that they kind of programmed this game for ppl like me ..? Cos u know..it's quite sad and pitiful to be losing repeatedly in such a simple game when some ppl managed to climb to level 3 in half an hour while im working all my might for weeks, or months in it..ehhe. Maybe they are scared that ill be de-motivated as i keep losing and attempt suicide..? Hoh..naz, get real...hmm..

Btw..eheheh, I know im supposed to be studying..err, main ‘Tumblebug’ as selingan bolehh....?


20 March 2006

ganbatte !!

" most of the important things in the world were accomplished by people who kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all "
- Dale Carnegie.

18 March 2006

late at night

it's late, 1.40 am in the morning. The house is quiet as all the family members are soundly asleep, and here i am alone, writing in here.

quite a day. When i thought the day is over, and i was heading home like usual, suddenly sthg came up, which gave a little bit of difference to my nearly-bland week. Caught up with a Chinese coursemate in Putra lrt, said that he's on his way for an Endodontic Talk at PJ Hilton and invited me to come along. I dunno what really attracts me to be so agreeable on going..( knowing the known trait in me who like to consider and weighs the pros-cons for quite some time..), but i went, in spite of the tiredness. It was an 'okay' talk, the speaker is a dentist/lecturer from the US, and he really is a good speaker, ( but my seat was far at the back, causing me to crane my neck every now and then to get a clearer view of the slaids..) It was quite a new experience for me, mingling around crowds of dentists and pretending to look sophisticated and knowledgable..( ehhe...). Maybe..it was the experience that i crave so much, that brought me there, apart from the RM 20 registration fee for student which is affordable..and ..as expected, the food was great. hehehe..

Arrived home around 11 pm. I was never home this late, and the idea of walking by myself even only for a few metres was quite terrifying.( ..it's not the ghost im scared of, it's the evil in human which is more frightening..). My father offered to pick me up, but..the 24 yrs-old woman voice in me said.." it's okay, im going to be alright, there's nothing to be worried about..". But as i stepped down from the lrt, and felt the quietness and eerieness of the near-ly vacant area, i begin to fastened my steps, started wishing silently that i had learn some simple steps of taekwondo or karate. As i turned to my house area, gladly saw that warung pak abu lights were still on and shining at the roadside. But the wonderful part of the story was when i glanced at the dark sky above me, i saw the moon was there, round and bright, as if it's helping to guide my way. And with every steps of mine..i could feel the moon's eyes following me..Thank you Allah, for protecting and enabling me to arrive home safely.

And later spent my time talking with kakak...she's alwys the best person to talk to, Imah too. Yah pun. Bie..ermm..she's still very young to talk about " what women talk.."..ehhhe. That's one great thing having many sisters, apart from swapping clothes, make-ups and accesories, u'll get the best, most trusted advises regarding certain women's issues, as they alwys want u to have the best thing in ur life.

Tergendala jap blog-writing, as i turned my full focus and attention to the person talking to me over the phone ;]. Talking to someone can be such a joy,...hmmm..

okaylah ppl..time to hit the bed. More coming..insyaAllah..

13 March 2006

nikmat bahagia

perasaan ni kadang-kadang pelik. Bila sedih akan menangis, bila terlalu gembira pun menangis. Dan tatkala diri merasa terlalu bahagia, tengah2 ketawa gembira, ada sikit terselit rasa takut. Takut rasa bahagia yg melimpah ruah ni direnggut dari genggaman. Hmm..manusia..manusia..

Saat dikelilingi suasana riuh adik beradik. Melihat wajah gembira dan senang hati mama dan ayah. Dan menyedari wujud perasaan baru yg indah dalam diri,..=]..yg membuatkan hidup terasa lebih berwarna -warni..Alhamdulillah..nikmat kasih sayang anugerah Tuhan.

Ya Allah..peliharalah kami dalam menikmati kebahagiaan agar kami tak lupa mengucap syukur pada-Mu. Kekalkanlah kami dalam keamanan dan kesejahteraan, Wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Memberi, Maha Memperkenankan..amiin...

10 March 2006

heart matters

my favourite topic. .., yet the most challenging and confusing as well.

ive spent my entire life asking ppl about their love relationship, figuring and wondering silently about each of it. What make it a success, what cause it to fail ? Hoping to learn without experiencing. Thinking that by doing it, ill learn the good and the bad, the strengths and flaws, just by judging from ppl's stories. Just by observing as an outsider. 'Cause then i wont make any mistakes, no risks of hurting and be hurt. Refraining myself from relationship's disasters and break-ups. And i thought that was the best way, keeping me to myself, till the time comes.

Hah, the funny thing is..when is the time..? And how will i know it's the time...? THe thing about reality world, is we can never know, it's for us to find out. The answers are not going to be 'spooned' to me. I have to find out if i want to know. On my own.

A friend said to me "dont plan ur heart, plan everything else like ur future, ur work, ur daily life..but not ur heart..let it works the way it should..". Not to plan my heart. Was i planning my heart ? =/. Well,.. i did not 'open the door'. i did not welcome ppl in. I kept myself closed, reserved ..safely protected. Making excuses, i must be very good at it by now.

i dunno how other ppl fall in love, but personally..i think, when we let ourselves fall in love or decided to be in a serious relationship with someone, it's because we have found the person and ready to accept the responsibility of sharing a part of our life with someone else. Not because we want 'pakwe'. Not because of ppl's perception or opinions. But..because we know that this is it. The person who, we hope to be with dunia and akhirat. Thinking it back, yeah..maybe, i do plan my heart, and was planning it all along.

..eheheh..suddenly barging in here and 'emotionally' talking about emotions issue. All because of a friend, who's currently in a love dilemma, seeking opinion and help from the most 'experienced' ppl in the world..me!!! (Ya-ha!). Well..hard to say,..this 'love junction' ( 'persimpangan cinta'..amacam ..okay tak translation ?)..would not have happened, if she really knows what she wanted in the first place. And stick to the decision made.

well.. rather than preaching to other ppl about heart matters and keep playing the role of a 'love professor' ( esp when im not even 'in the boat' yet)....perhaps, it's me who really should learn from all this. Slowly opening the door for that special someone to reside comfortably in my heart. And let myself enter his heart, sincerely and willingly too.... insyaAllah...

May Allah bless and guide the way..amiin...

01 March 2006

the truth, please..

i remembered when i was 6 -7 years old, during the fasting month of Ramadhan.Masa tu awal2 belajar puasa, jadi tahap letih dan 'longlai' tuh memanglah extreme. ( kdg2 sengaja buat2 extreme letih, untung2 ayah kesian bagi bukak puasa..ehheheh..=p ). We were spending the rest of Ramadhan at our hometown,RAntau Panjang, Kelantan (kampung mama). I was sitting in the kitchen,( dgn muka se'sepuluh' sen yg mungkin )..looking at my grandmother peeling mango for berbuka time. Recalling the thirst, hunger, tiredness...gazing longingly at the juicy-looking mango. ( lagi nak renung bende tuh dh tahu lapar..perangai2..)

Suddenly enter my Auntie, Cik MAh, my mom's youngest sister, jumping happily and went straight to the mango, taking a few slice into her mouth. And there i was, drooling with hunger, watched her unexpected act during fasting month with bewilderment.Spontaneously, i asked, ( more becos of tak puas hati, apsal Cik MAh boleh makan..?! )
" eehh..bakpo Cik MAh makan, tak posa ke..?" questioningly i looked at my grandmother, who smiled knowingly. Cik Mah, on the other hand, still munching mango.
.." DikMAh takpo, dia demam.." replied my grandmother.Demam?
And Cik Mah added.." demam berdarah!" before going off to take her bath, leaving me with a baffled expression. Demam berdarah..?

If only they had explain the truth to me, in easy term that is, about why she cannot puasa, i think i could have understand...rather than leaving me pondering over 'demam berdarah' on my own. Not that i blame them,..most of the ppl in the older generations are like that, they think some things should not be told to childrens or 'kanak2 bawah umur'. It's either they say.." budak2 tak boleh banyak tanyalah !.."..or they lie, telling make-up stories, avoiding to explain the actual reasons or causes. Putting myself back in the 6 yrs old girl shoes, i would want to know the real reason why CikMah was allowed to eat when the rest of us were salivating hungrily ( esp me!), because years later when i was 'big enough' to know the truth, i felt stupid for being lied to. Esp when i had believe the lie told to me in the first place.

Well.. we dont have to be too precise, by explaining in details about the 'blood-y' matter, ..at least no lies, or we could use simple words to tell how it happens to a curious child.( HEheh.. tetiba berangan jap)...if im the mother and my child asked me about that, i would have explain, because im her mother. The one she puts her full trust behind that wide, blinking eyes of hers looking innocently at me. The only person a child expect to guide and support her in the process of making ways in this world.

I dunno..i guess, the trends are changing. In todays 'world without boundaries', with various ways to gain access for information, and the childrens are becoming smarter and more knowledgeble,.. (thanks to Internet, TVs and some kids who make reading 'child's encyclopedia' as a hobby..)..the challenges are greater for us who live in the more senior generation. ( nope, dont want to use the word 'old'..=] ). I used to be quite worried about my youngest brother, scared that unnecessary 'ilmu' would be bombarded into his innocent, young mind. But now, ( after series of discussions and arguments with kakak and imah, who as usual, are the opposition team ..=p )..i finally accepted, that that's how the childrens are now, stuffs which were 'alien' to me 15 yrs ago when i was at their age, they gained the knowledge with a 'click' of a TV button.

heheh, teringat sekali tuh, years ago..i was washing dishes after 'buka puasa', and my youngest brother was standing next to the kitchen counter behind me, looking at sthg in the bowl...when suddenly he said,..
" kak, bende kat dalam mangkuk nih mcm telur manusia yg Adik baca dlm buku.." pointing at the thing in the mangkuk. Gulping, i turned to look at the thing. Now..how am i going to respond to this situation. The thing is 'sagu'. ( tahu tak rupa sagu yg dh direbus..? )
" apa dh nama dia kak..sperma ke apa ntah..?" Adik added, who obviously still thinking about it. ( Okay..now here's the moment Naz..answer brilliantly..please.)
"..ooh..adik baca dlm buku ehh...Bukan sperma dik, ovum yg rupa mcm tuh. Sperma lelaki rupa dia lain sikit, ada ekor kan..ingat tak gambar dlm buku.."
" ha'ah lah..betul2.." Adik nodded , with satisfaction. ( Fuuh.. )

" ..telur2 untuk persenyawaan manusia ..Adik baca dlm buku sains.." ( Ops. i thought he's over with the 'egg' issue ). But, i do remember too, feeling slightly proud of my little brother, for a boy age 8-9 yrs old, he really read the 'Encyclopedia for Children' series my mother bought him.( oohh..and gladly it's an ilmiah book as well )..

soo..to all future fathers and mothers...explain and spare our childrens the truth,..intelligently, i mean...