27 November 2005

appreciating small thing

never really realise the importance of jaw, or acknolewdge its existence..till now.

Had a minor oral surgery done on me last thursday, to remove my partially erupted lower wisdom tooth. Its not functioning, and was angulated in such a way that makes it unable to erupt fully in to arch. It impinges to the adjacent tooth, creating food impaction area..causing more problems. Not wanting to deal with it any further,i finally decided to have it removed, get it over once and for all. And because of its abnormal position, it cant be extracted through the usual extraction, need to be taken out by a procedure called 'minor oral surgery'..( rsnya pernah cerita psl ni sblm ni kan..). Meanings that it involves some incision to the part of the gum, to create an opening, section the tooth, might need some removal of bone ..and take the tooth out, and lastly, suture the gum back. It was not as bad as it sounds..

It just that the post-op experiences which are more dreadful. The complications that i must and currently are facing. The swelling up of the left jaw, the inability to open my mouth big enough to eat (more else talk), the pain and redness due to some inflammation..all signs and symptoms that are expected after the procedure. Got 2 days MC, bought loads of ice packs, stuffed it in my friend's fridge..and my activity for the past 2-3 days was putting the ice packs over the inflammed jaw...to reduce the swelling. How bad is the swelling..? hmm..how to say it..it looks as if a ping-pong ball is constantly inside my mouth, specifically situated at the left jaw, bulging out creating an asymmetrical size of the both jaws. Yup..quite like it.

the feeling of unattractiveness is one thing (hate to admit this, but yeah..), but the feeling of not being able to talk normally, not to mention laugh..was more depressing. I stayed in my room, with ice packs glued mostly to my cheek, lying on the bed, reading or watching cds. Dreading the thought of going out or walking around, as ppl are taking double looks at me. Yeah..i know, ..it looks weird alright, and funny too, in a way..but,..please dont stare. Some symphatetic ppl even offered some 'petua' to help reduce the 'bengkak', which i accepted gratefully, but not brave enuff to do so..( hey..muka nih, tak kena gaya petua, lain plak jdnya..heheh). But..thanks. Friends helped a lot, trying to cheer me up by saying words like.." takdelah bengkak sgt..ok je,.." or.." cute apa, bengkak sebelah muka, Lebih cute kalau bengkak dua2 belah..terus jd 'cherubism'..haha".Gee, thanks. My biggest problem was to hold back my laughter when some jokes are made ,..knowing my weakness, i stayed away from any laughter-causing medium, be it jokes or comedies. That's among the reason of me not going home to spend the weekend, as all my dear siblings are masters in making me doubling over with laughter.

But..it makes me realise and appreciate my jaw. ( ..how many of us here ever terlintas utk be grateful that we have perfectly normal jaw..?). As i think about it, yes..i never really think about my jaw, more else to be grateful or care about it. Until now...until im unable to open my mouth big enough to insert a spoon, not able to chew normally, not able to laugh or smile easily.( and prettily..=/). When right at this moment, i am salivating hungrily over burgers and nasi goreng kampung, but unable to eat until the wound is compeletely healed. When my left jaw is bigger than its right..and then i realised, how wonderfully , perfectly fine and functioning my jaws are, not to mention it's main purpose in creating our face features, plus holding all our teeth. Thank you Allah..for creating our jaws !

So..ppl..wish me well ya..=]. And let us be grateful for all things, ..whatever things..in our hands, in our life. It might be small, insignificant or unimportant to us now, but lose it, or when it's unable to function normally ..then only we'll realise that we can't live without it, and began desperately praying for it.

oklah..actually, im on my way to buy more ice packs, saw the internet room lights on, and here i am, knocking on the keyboard. ( tak peduli dh mata2 org yg memandang my dear swelled jaw nih..ehhe. anyway..it's much better now..). Dan sgt lapar..sbb makan pun terkial2 je..iskks..sabarlah skett, org lain yg permanently deformed lebih ramai kat dunia nih, dan lebih hebat ujian dia dr aku ...


p/s : biasa tak dgr org kata.." tak ada 5 sen tu, tak cukup seringgit ! .." .Hehe...bukan apa, sbb sesetgh org nih, buat nampak tak nampak je dgn duit 5 sen, mentang2lah 5 sen je nilainya ehh, nak buat telefon tak boleh, nak masuk vendor machine air pun tak boleh..dahlah saiznya kecik je. Tapi ada nilai tau..kerana takde 5 sen, tak cukup seringgit!

23 November 2005

a 'cinderella' story

What a week. And what a day.

Talk about experiencing how Cinderella feels when the ‘glass slipper’ slipped off. Unfortunately, it was not a glass slipper, nor a prince charming who happens to caught it and bring it back to me, galloping on a horse. Huh..and must it happened twice? On the same day..arrghh…

It was my new sandal. Correction, not really new, but I seldom wear it. Why? Because it is high heeled, and i have problems with high heels because I walk fast. Terribly fast, especially when im at clinic that smtmes I just pass through ppl, like wind ( and not the breezy-type of wind). You are supposed to ‘glide’ when u are wearing heels, (a word I got from ‘ Miss Congeniality’ )..not rushing here and there. And ‘gliding’ is a skill I haven’t yet master.

But still, Im a woman. And realizing my woman-ity, who are born to love and wear heels, I have to practise. Practise wearing heels. So, there I was, wobbly balancing myself, carefully taking each steps, keep chanting in my head that I look like a princess. Yeah..some princess I was.

It was yesterday, as I went to class wearing my precious tiny sandals. After some horrendous attempt, finally im quite able to walk gingerly in it( but not yet able to ‘glide’). But who would have expect, after I can walk successfully without tripping or tumbling, it ‘embarrased’ me. As I climbed the stairs, one of it slipped off, causing me to walk bare-footed for a few seconds. And a few steps. I quickly turned, and ..oh.My.God...i came face-to-face with a Chinese boy who was standing right behind me, witnessing the whole event, grinning amusedly at me. And to make matters worse, we know each other, as we are under the same faculty. I managed to return the smile, sheepishly to be exact, and panickingly fumbling to turn the ‘stupid’ sandal, which lying lifelessly backward at that time. Ohh…

And not like that was enough. Later during the day, it happened again. At the same stairs. ( what is wrong with that tangga, is there a curse or sthg..=/). But now, it occured in front of my group of friends, who burst out laughing. Great. A perfect way to end the day. But, as I think about it now...yeah, it was quite hilarious.

So..looks like that sandals are going back in the shelves. Yup..need more practise , I know. Perhaps, have to remind myself to slow down a bit when I walk in it, as it sure don’t look good when u are wearing delicate sandals and walking like u are on marathon. Nahh..not good at all.

Hehe..it reminds me of a scenario that occurred 8 years ago, when I was in form 4 ..ke form 3....
Me : ( walking fast across the ‘dataran perhimpunan’, baru abis kelas )
B : oit…naz, tunggulah..lajunya jalan….( trying to catch up with me )
Me : (glaring at him )..suka hati orglah..(
the commonest answer during teenage years..)
B :..amboii..engko jalan laju mcm ni, nanti tertinggal pengantin lelaki ..
Me: ( smiling, slightly amused at his statement..“ sapa suruh pengantin lelaki jalan lambat!” .. ;] )

18 November 2005

a missed wedding..

i never do this before.., but suddenly, im thinking of doing sthg different ( ermm, since tak pergi wedding mrk walau dijemput dgn baik sekali,..bolehh ke..? =]) ..kinda like that small wedding speech from a friend to a friend, the thing they do during ppl's wedding reception we see in the movies..haha. Telling a little bit about the happy, beautiful newly-wed couple. But since i only got the chance to befriend the bridegroom, i can only talk about the lad...but knowing him, i know, the bride is as wonderful, kind ppl as he is. ;]

so..i first met him, 10 yrs ago, i was the 'selebet' form 1 student, and he is the Form 3 prefect. Pertama kali berckp berdepan, masa beli burger dr gerai kelas dia, hari keluarga rsnya ms tu, and he was the one on duty. I lingered at his gerai, eyeing the burger ...( not eyeing sthg else..ok..eheh), and my father asked .." kak, nak burger ke..?". I remember, expression muka dia nih masa tuh..wuihh, serious betul, he didn't even laugh at some jokes my father made..( cehh..). But we bought the burger anyway. And that's it. Only God knows..that i would have more encounters with him in the future.

And later, during my form 2 year, i ventured my first attempt in debate. Actually..i dont really like to talk about this, because i didn't do anything proud enuff to be told..but the point is, he was among the debate team members, the seniors, or better said..the mentors. So...during practise and 'sesi debat persahabatan' with other schools, i get to know him more as i tagged along with the seniors. Slowly..we 'kikis' rs segan, kekok and tak biasa, and put our head together as one team. With them, i learnt many things, not only about debate stuffs, but also about making friends, and accepting differences as there were a mix of personalities in our team. But.. to make a long story short, i had a wonderful time, and all these ppl, play some small role during my learning life.

And, years passed..life goes on..who knows, we bumped in Friendster, and became friends again. ( i alwys consider him a friend, what i mean is 'connecting friend' ). Share views, give opinions, and motivate each other. Grateful to know and befriend a guy like him, someone who is a real friend, nothing more, nothing less. ( u know, because smtmes, it's hard to create clear-cut friendship with the different gender, ..). But, with him, i know, i have nothing to worry about. I even discussed and seek his opinion about some guy problems, which i guess..guy know better about guy..ehh? =]

well..it's getting long, and i better cut my speech short. To the both lovely couple, im sorry for not being able to 'meramaikan' and 'memeriahkan' ur wedding day, but my best wishes and prayers will alwys be send along the way. May the future filled with lots of happiness, love,and successes. May all obstacles faced with patience and endurance, knowing that together, u can face anything. May Allah bless both of you...dunia akhirat.

fuuh...my first wedding speech. Sorrylah..'cokia' sana sini, not used to doing this.
before i end, here's sthg..a piece of words i kept in a box where i keep nice quotes and meaningful words ..

to my friends who are....MARRIED..

Love is not about " it's your fault", but "Im sorry"
not "where are you?", but "Im right here"
not " how could you ?", but "I understand"
not " i wish you were", but " Im thankful you are"..

congratulations..mizy & kak ida!!!!=D

15 November 2005


i was writing sthg else, but got to stop, and seek more info regarding it. Yeah..eventhough, this blogging stuffs might not be that big or important, but i do feel responsible to ensure im not 'polluting' anyone's mind with false facts and wrong informations, esp when it has sthg to do with vital parts of life, like religion. ..( yup, the 'skema' me, bingo! ).

yesterday, my first experience assisting 'minor oral surgery' ( MOS ). Getting 'scrubbed' and wore steriled gown..fuuh, suddenly, i pictured myself like all those surgeons in the OT ( eheh, wpun hanya MOS, but still,..). Berangan seminit, as the nurse tied up the gown behind me, that im about to work on a serious case, which no doctors or surgeons could manage it, and they have to seek my opinion and need my skills to operate on the patient, they have to flew me on a helicopter to get to the hospital in a hurry, as it is an urgent, emergency situation..and i would, make a serious, professional look on my face the entire time, nodding solemnly as i walked to the ppl waiting for me....Hah..berangan mmg syok. Okay, back to reality, me, assissting the MOS.

Actually, eheh, i was kinda hoping to do it, but nvmd, there'll be some other time. It's different, being the assisstant, who only helped and watched compared to the one who make the cuts and incision. Yeah, we wore the same blue gown, but the feelings and satisfaction are totally different..

okaylah..got some work to do...

09 November 2005

love talks

There were times when i wish i dont ponder or think too much about things going on in this world, it'll sure make my life easier. And sometimes, i hope that im not 'romantic', meanings that i care less about feelings, and dont keep questioning my heart.

What is the reason, to be with someone, to fall in love..?

One of my friends said, she accepted the guy ( her boyfriend ) into her life, because she wanted a boyfriend. Eventhough she liked someone else, ..but , how longer should she wait..? And what if she turned down the guy now, and end up alone later..? Tactfully I asked “.. but, do u like him..?”. Shrugging her shoulder, she answered "...alah..org perempuan ni mudah je nak cair…lambat laun kita akan suka dia jugak.” Hmm…I see..some generalization..

Another friend responded quite the same way, saying she couldn’t bear the thought of not having a boyfriend, when mostly everybody her age is seeing someone. She couldn’t stand her mother’s expectation, continuously questioning her about it. And most of all, she’s scared that she might not found any other man in the future, so...she might just as well stay with her current boyfriend, no matter what she feels inside. Well..wish u all the best,..

Some others said yes to a guy out of pity. Some of the relationships lasts and succeeded, while some other failed halfway. It’s hard, they said, because the feelings not there, and they felt guilty because they just drift through it half-heartedly. Looking at them, I have to say I respect them,..at least they’re being honest, while some ppl choose to play with ppl’s heart for the sake of being in a relationship.

One friend gave quite an interesting answer. “.. Because he could provide me the stable future I wanted, I don’t want to be the breadwinner of the family..and i dont want to 'feed' my husband.. ” Now, that’s an honest, straight from the heart answer. Eventhough she said it jokingly, she got a point there. Well..not to say that women are materialistic, but looking at statistics, it usually cause quite some problem later in marriage life when there’s too huge gap of difference in financial aspects, between husband and wife, esp when it involves male ego, and worsen by snotty remarks from 'busybody' ppl around. But saying that..it all depends "...lain org, lainlah kan.” Success or failure in a marriage, it's entirely up to u to decide and work it out.

Different ppl have different reasons. Im not here to criticize or judge anyone, how u live in this world, it's u who make the choices. And I believe every decision made is a result of serious considering and thinking. The important thing is u are happy and able to make the other person happy, willing to be responsible for ur decision, ready to share the ups and downs..be there for one another, and bring the best out of each other. Aren’t that what being in a relationship is all about..

Some talks from a plain girl who never really be in one. But that’s how I see it. It’s not about being lovey-dovey 24/7, but the reality within it, is fake and full of hypocracy. Relationship between a man and woman should not be based because ‘u want pakwe/makwe - jd terima sjlah sapa2 pun’. It’s not about finding someone who's able to build u big mansion, which would be totally meaningless if the heart is filled with emptiness. But deciding to be with someone, maybe is simply because u like being with that person. Comfortable being urself, at ease day and night. From ordinary friendship, it blossomed to something more than that, without u realizing it. U are finally 'at home', safe and protected emotionally, and the other person did nothing other than sit next to u. U feel connected, able to open up and talk about anything,everything effortlessly. At that moment, u knew, that this person is no longer the same person u met years or months before. His or her position in your heart has shifted. Higher. Or should I say ..deeper.

And..perhaps..by that time, ur eyes stop wandering around. Ur mind stop wondering and searching, and u realised that this is the person u wish to see everyday ur whole life. The person whom u want to grow old with, build family and stay together...insyaAllah..and u know that other than this person..there's no one else. Fullstop.

See..told ya it’s hard when u think too much…

06 November 2005

my Adik..a man.

looking at my adik bungsu. Hard to believe it smtmes, how grown up he is rite now, when i can still remember the first sight of him sleeping soundly in the baby cot 12 yrs ago. I was 11 yrs old then,the excited and curious sister peering inside the baby trolley in hospital, at my new family member ..( and the last one..). And still remember my worriedness, as he had slightly 'blue' chin..due to some strangulation in the womb..( according to my mother's word "berbelit tali pusat" ). Gladly the 'bluish colour' slowly fade away, and wasn't permanent..eheh, we made fun about it to him smtmes..jokingly said that he was born with a blue chin..=p.

And now..'voila'..the cute boy of ours..has now transformed into this handsome boy..( ..yeah2, i have to admit this one fact, and if he heard me saying this, he would beamed like red apple!), who from day to day becoming taller and 'hairy-ier'. ehhe..giving us another point to tease him about, saying stuffs like.." tengok misai dia..wuyyo..naik misai dh.." or.." ..ehh adik, dah bermisai jambang la skarang nih...". Ahah..he would then smugly smile, like he is proud of his 'misai', proving his maleness. And speaking of it, perhaps we should stop addressing and calling him by this 'adik' nickname, realising that now he is no longer the little boy in the family.

but ..it is not the physical changes that triggers me to write about him. The other day, our Internet connection broke down, and me..the ever-blurr about IT thingy, more else fixing machines or stuffs like computer, was struggling in a failing attempt, trying to find a cause of it..or better said, pretending to fix it. And along came Adik, offering his help. As i sat behind and watched him seriously checking here and there, i noticed a well-known male trait in my little brother, 'the fixer' who finds satisfaction in repairing things. Remembering my other brother, Abe who enjoyed fixing broken radio when he was a kid and also one of my father's hobby and speciality. The 'problem -solver', who will not give up, until he did all he could to make things better. The 'Martian', whe needs no advice or help from woman, unless he seeks and asks for it. Hehe..and i was restraining myself at that moment, to avoid my mouth from saying anything, and simply watched, until he gave up by himself. At that time, i know, that the apple of the family's eye..is no longer the baby, but is now a growing boy, slowly becoming a man.

Yeah..i know im gonna miss my once 'manja' Adik, but.. deep down, im proud of the man my Adik is becoming. No longer the 'little one', but a boy who helps around the house, who joins his big brother staying up late to watch a live football match,and the boy who's becoming more matured in his words and behaviour. Noticing his 'jubah' which is now short, hanging below knee level as he prayed next to my father during 'tarawikh', indicating his growth. Looking at his 'growing' moustache, silently amused at him blushing when teased about a particular girl, or when he admitted that he likes looking at one girl in the TV..( haha..). Knowing that in the next few years.. ( or maybe months..), he'll be walking beside me, looking more like a big brother rather than my Adik..( and by that time, ill have another 'bodyguard' when i go out..ehhe ). Can't wait.

03 November 2005

Malam 1 Syawal

hmm..ntah kenapa, nak menulis tapi bila menghadap komputer je, hilang idea ntah kemana. Tak tahu nak mula di mana. Nak bercerita mcm2, tapi beku je otak ni. Agaknya ini ke yg dikata ' mental block'..? writer's block..? apa2 jelah..

Apa2 pun, Ramadhan baru berlalu, menyaksikan aku masih mcm dulu. MAcam nilah, tak bnyk perubahan sebelum dan sesudah Ramadhan. Sedangkan harapan dan azam pada awalnya sgt berdegar2. ISkk..Ya Allah, aku ulang kesilapan yg sama jugak, Ramadhan aku tak pergunakan sepenuhnya. Peluang yg Engkau bentang, endah tak endah aku sambut, sedang aku tak tahu masih berkesempatankah lagi utk bertemu Ramadhan yg seterusnya.Ya Allah..pertemukan kami dgn Ramadhan-Mu lagi...

Bila usia dh tak 'kanak2' lagi, ketibaan 1 Syawal sudah tak terasa apa sgt. Cuma nak kekalkan suasana meriah menyambutnya, agar kemesraan dan keseronokan sesama ahli keluarga tak hilang dgn peredaran usia. Lagi pulak bila melihatkan adik2 bersungguh excited, ( mcm aku dululah) ,jd berusaha utk pastikan mood raya sentiasa ada dlm diri, pabila tiba 1 Syawal. Persiapan raya kat rumah aku biasa dan sederhana, takde nak bertukar2 kusyen ke langsir..apa yg ada kita elokkan rupa, dan guna. Projek biskut raya pun ,ehhe..masih berjalan, cuma tak se'membazir' dulu, yg biasanya menyebabkan adalah 2-3 jenis biskut yg kurg laku bertapa lama dlm balang berbulan2 lepas raya. Sekarang, kitorg buat yg menjadi favourite adik beradik je, biskut cornflakes, coklat cip dan tart nenas gulung..dan beli 2-3 jenis yg lain sikit2. Sebenarnya apa yg best ialah proses membuat biskut beramai2 tu..yg akan melibatkan segenap tenaga adik beradik..( kecuali Abe, ..yg liat nak menolong tp menghadap biskut sebalang..eheh, ). Seorg tukang adun, seorg tukang bentuk dan hias, tukang bakar dan susun dlm balang. Hah..ada jugak 'tukang rasa', yg biasanya akan mendapat jelingan tajam dr yg lain.." ..tolong rasa je, sedap ke tidak.. ". Ehhee..bende2 mcm nilah yg menjadikan suasana menyambut Syawal lebih terasa gembiranya.

Bersempena kehadiran Syawal ni, aku pun nak mengambil kesempatan ni mengucapkan SELAMAT MENYAMBUT 'AIDILFITRI, semoga ada sikit perubahan kalau tak bnyk dlm diri kita, hasil didikan sebulan Ramadhan. Tak perlu berubah secara drastik atau yg besar2, yg kecil2 tapi istiqomah lebih baik. Kita usaha dan cuba buat yg terbaik lagi Ramadhan akan datang. Dan jugak , aku dgn rendah diri nak meminta maaf andai ada kata2 , tulisan atau perbuatan aku yg pernah menyakitkan atau mengguris hati sesiapa. Frankly, aku sgt menghargai semua pembaca yg mengunjungi blog nih, menyedari isi kandungannya hanya bende2 biasa dr fikiran aku, tapi mengetahui ada org membaca di luar sana, menjadikan aku lebih bersemangat utk menulis dan bercerita. ..terima kasih =]..

okeylah..mlm dh larut. Kena gosok baju raya utk esok hari..till later, Salam Lebaran..!