28 May 2005

is it really the one..?

someone said to me.." kalau nak pupuk rasa suka kita pd seseorg tu, kita lihat kebaikan yg ada pada dia...". Hmm..is it really like that ..? Ajar diri kita utk suka pd org tu.. if it's like that, where's the magic in it..?Or is the journey towards liking someone, opening ur heart to him that is never opened to anyone else before, and looking at someone in a special, loving way, the kind that no one else in ur life ever get that kind of look from u...is 'magical' in its own right. Hard to tell.

i know sooner or later i have to deal with this thing, it just that i dunno what to do when the time finally come. Is this it.. is he's really 'the one'? Is my search has finally come to its end. Hard to tell.

someone told me a story about a boy who's been asked by his teacher to go look in the forest for the longest stick that he could find and bring it back in 20 minutes time. So the boy went in the forest and started looking, picking every long stick he could find, examined it for a while and said to himself.." perhaps ill find a longer one in front". So, he dropped it, and went looking again. Everytime he found a stick, the same thought crossed his mind, and he dropped the stick. Finally, after 20 minutes, he came out from the forest, empty-handed. He said he couldnt find the longest stick, as he kept thinking that probably a longer stick might appear in front. His wise teacher said, that's how life is. U are given a certain amount of years to live, we dont have 1000 yrs, we dont have forever. In that limited time in our life, we have to make a decision, make a choice, and hold to it. No matter if we found a 'longer' stick later in front, the 'stick' in our hand is the chosen one. Hold to it, and stop looking around. Or else, u can and will never find the 'longest stick'. Ever.

hmm..guess that answers a lot of questions huh?

"..wondering how they met, and what makes it last..
if i found the place, would i recognise the face.."
- it might be you ( a song )

25 May 2005

sementara semangat tgh membara...

disedarkan dr cuti yg panjang dengan hakikat aku kini pelajar tahun akhir pergigian. Pulang dr cuti yg penuh kerehatan dengan tugasan terbentang dpn mata, dan ekspektasi yg tinggi dari masyarakat. Aku boleh = i.

projek aku berjalan baik, aku pilih tajuk "impacts of oral cancer on patient's quality of life-the role of dental team". Dan aku dedikasikan buat arwah Ayah Dir.Kdg2 aku teringatkan arwah di tgh2 pembacaan journal, terkenangkan raut wajahnya yg belum lagi dimakan usia tp terlebih dahulu dijemput Ilahi, tersedar akan hakikat dunia ni begini, ironinya sebuah kehidupan, orang yg paling tak disangka2 itulah yg diberi ujian hebat nih. Ya Allah..cucurilah rahmat dan Engkau tempatkan arwah ayah dir bersama golongan mukminin-Mu..aminn.

projek yg paling aku tunggu2 akhirnya, insyaAllah akan terlaksana bulan Ogos ni. Dan spt yg aku rancang2kan sekian lama, aku memilih Kangar, Perlis. ( setelah puas memujuk ayah agar tak perlu risau dan runsingkan aku. Kdg2 pelik aku, imah dan kakak dah ke ceruk dunia berjalan okey2 je, bila aku nak merasa merantau jauh sikit, kemainlah susahnya..atr dialognya yg mencuit hati aku.." tak payahlah ..karang tsunami plak.."..heheh..ayah2..). Dan aku sgt bersemangat. Sangat2 bersemangat =D. Semoga usaha dan perancangan kami diberkati dan dipermudahkan-Nya...aminn. Aku akan mula bersiap-sedia dr sekarang. ( aku ni, kalau dh semangat,..berkobar2...=p)

dan sekarang sambil2 aku 'search' Internet utk projek nih, sambil aku menunggu utk list tajuk2 projek elektif tahun ini keluar. Biasalah,kalau stailnya 'first come, first serve', siapa cepat, dia dpt..student2 semua masih sabar menunggu utk dapatkan tajuk yg menarik dan diminati, baru seronok sikit buat bende yg kita ada passion utk buat, rather than buat tajuk yg leftover org lain. Dunia sekarang..those who lag behind, stay behind..( pesan yg selalu aku dpt..)

dan satu lagi perkara yg mengisi kotak pemikiran aku sekarang, ialah mengejar requirement aku, ini dh tahun terakhir, taknaklah kerana tak cukup requirement, tak dpt graduate pulak. Pendek kata, tahun ini..aku dan kwn2 aku..kena selalu masuk gear tertinggi, dan pecut laju. Mana denture nak siapkan, ditambah pulak kes crown dan bridge, mana kes endo , paeds, perio, brp bnyk tampalan amalgam dh dibuat etc...menyebut di sini aje buat aku perit. HAti..mesti kuat dan tabah..

nggak mahu main2 lagi, .." set a goal; when u want what u've never had, u must do what u've never done.."

readers..doakan lah aku ya..=]

23 May 2005

and it begins ...

tamatlah sudah cuti. ISkks..as usual, after a long, do-nothing-but-vegging-out holiday..the idea of going back to school dont seem very enthralling..at all. Especially when u know, the same routine as a student will starts again. Hai..hati..excitedlah skett..monyok je..=/.

Heh..kakak aku pernah cakap, "..have sthg to look forward to..".Something or someone, anything that will perk u up early Monday morning, energetic and fully spirited to go to school. Excited till u feel like running. Knowing that 'that special thing' is waiting at school, or at ur workplace. U'll be glowing everyday, happy and lively..as u look forward to every day to go to school, to work, to that place..to that 'thing'. But in my case,..i dont think i have anything or anyone ..that'll make me wanna kick off my blanket and jump out from bed , couldnt wait to go to school..hmm..what is 'the thing' that'll make me look forward to going back to school..?

Looking at teeth..? ..gee, that sure sound exciting..2 months my hands are free from holding instruments, blood, saliva..teeth. Cant wait to start peering in ppl's mouth.
Any particular human being, specifically the Martian..?..nope. There's just nobody, no one. Fullstop.
Any favourite food, drinks..that is only available at ur school..? ..ermm..let see, the muffin, yes..only i wish it's a bit cheaper now..
Any favourite hang-out spot,..? that'll be my room, my computer, ..my bed. Ehh..im beginning to be more positive. This thing do works...yeah, back in my room, the room ive painted, and decorated the way i like it. And, my 'blue Nemo'..he must be very lonely being left 'berhabuk' alone. That baby picture in front of the door, greeting me with his adorable smile and his chubby hands balled into a fist..with the words written above him..'Senyum Malaysia' ( he'll make me smile instantly..=]). And..my slippers, my mirror..
Hmm what else..? A walk along the corridors at night, esp on the top floor, where u can see and smell the night. GAthering in my friend's room..and talk till late at night, watch tv and cds together. The songs in my computer, all my favourite songs..and start working out again, get active and healthy... after 2 months ruining my body, inside out. ..

hmm..i feel much better now. I guess, above all, it's trying to make it as wonderful as possible, and seeing the positive side of everything..that's the only way.And if it still doesnt work to make u cheerfully chirpy person, pretend to be excited and happy. U'll realise that by pretending it, sooner or later, u'll be it. Hey..that's not what i say haa, it's quoted from Donald Trump..

okaylah..it's getting late. Im back to school guys, with lots of work waiting to be settled. And this will be my final year, my 5th year..hmm..kinda lonely plak when u are on top, the so -called super seniors. I dont like the feeling of having no seniors above me, the same kind of feeling i get when i became the lead of the 'school debate' team when all the 'mentors' older than me finished school, leaving me as the only senior to the group. Not long after that, i quit. Well..it's a history by now..so let it be.

Huaargghh..i need to gather my stuffs, where are my books, my things, before going to sleep.

..have sthg to look forward to..hmm.

21 May 2005

i had a dream

i had a weird dream last night. Weird, but pleasant in some way. I was in a building ( kind of like asrama masa sekolah )..there was this one face, that gives a very warm, shy feeling, and even in that dream, i can feel the happinness swelling inside.

Actually, where do all those stuffs that appear in our dreams come from..? Why do we dream about them..?Some ppl said it's the stuffs that we think the most throughout the day. The people we miss, and like an answered prayer, they are brought in our dreams to help lessen the longing inside. But still, some dreams are so foreign, that it has no relation to our life, no familiar faces, ..we find ourselves stranded in strange places..and make us awake in the morning, puzzled by the mystery of it. Some studies said that dream comes from our subconscious mind..hmm. Haha, and there was also this one time, i dreamt 'bersanding' with faizal hussein..a result of watching too much Malay dramas..( i think i watched 'Sembilu' kott..). Not the kind of dream i would like to have though..=/.

When i was a kid, i always have this same dream, the kind that makes me hated the thought of sleeping, hoping silently that i wouldnt be haunted with that dream. How to describe that dream ya..it was not a ghostly kind of dream, it was just so weird that it makes me wishing..." cepatlah..nak keluar dr mimpi nih..".In that dream, there were these few unrecognised faces that would come really close to me, and move far..they come closer again, and back off..keep repeating that act several times. Their mouth were moving, quite animatedly speaking to me, because they look so excited talking. As if like they are telling sthg, but no voice heard. Smtmes, there would be a long cloth, and they would be playing with that piece of cloth, laughing. It was quite eerie, it gave me a feeling of restlessness, that made me want to open my eyes quickly to shut away these faces from me.

Dreams of running in unknown country, far from my home, running away from ppl chasing me..run..run..run. Dreams that even when im dreaming, it felt so real, the sadness, desperation..and helplessness..finding my way home.

whatever it is, i hope i could continue my unfinished dream last night. It was nice..able to feel that thing again after all these years leaving school.

19 May 2005

risaukan adik yg exam..

Hmm..susahnya nak menyuruh adik bungsu belajar, atau adakah sbb dia lelaki..? Seingat aku, dulu, kami kakak2 kat atas dia nih, kena 'kuarantin' dlm bilik, no tv until exams over. Kalau nak tengok tv, pun tak tenteram rsnya, runsingkan exam, tapi faktor utama adlh kerana takutkan ayah. Dengar pintu bilik ayah terbuka, cabut masuk bilik. Tapi adik yg seorg punyalah rileks, dan ayah pun dh tak segarang dulu, mungkin disebabkan keputusan adik yg sentiasa menggembirakan hati mak ayah. Atau mungkin juga sbb ayah dh tua, dh tak berkudrat dh nak 'kejar' anak seorg2 mcm dulu. Jadi peranan kakak2 dan abang dia lah pula nak take over pastikan adik belajar. Bukannya apa, ..takut dia terbiasa anggap ringan pada exam. Walaupun keputusan baik, attitude terhadap pembelajaran tu yg perlu dipupuk dan dijdkan amalan. Dahlah tahun ni nak UPSR. Hai..lah adik..=/.

Keyakinan adik mmg hebat, dan kami jugak sentiasa percaya dgn kemampuannya kerana result nya sering setimpal dgn keyakinan yg dipamerkan. Cuma entahlah..risau jugak tengok dia rilek sgt. Dlm bab menyuruh2 belajar ni, aku selalu 'fail' , kakak lebih bijak handle, ketegasannya bertempat. Abe pulak garang sgt, kesian pulak dkt adik. Aku..? Hmmph..bila nampak dia dah berubah muka bila disuruh2 belajar, cepat benar aku cair, tak sampai hati tengok dia mcm tu. Isshh..bahaya sikit nih, rosak pulak anak2 aku nanti bila terlalu diikutkan kehendak anak, dan tak biasa bertegas dgn anak ..mcm cerita 'anakku sazali' tuh..hissh, minta dijauhkan Tuhan..( jauhlah plak fikir..).

Adik lelaki bungsu kami, dia lah seorg. Jauh lebih matang dr usia, biasalah...bila dh bergaul dgn kakak2 dan abang yg dh dewasa, dia pun ikut dewasa. Walaupun bungsu, karakternya tidak menyusahkan org, tidak berkira, pandai mengambil hati, dan tak pernah sekali pun merunsingkan kepala mak ayah..pendek kata membesarkan dia senang. Heheh..teringat hari pertama adik masuk sekolah, aku yg kena teman sehari suntuk sbb mama dan ayah ada hal, jadi terpaksa lah aku berlagak 'ibu' dan bergaul dgn golongan ibu bapa, yg excitednya mereka nih melebihi si anak. Ada atr kanak2 ni yg maknya kena duduk bersama di sebelah anak dlm kelas, tak kurg juga mak ayah yg tak berenti2 ambil gambar anak melalui celah2 tingkap, nak tergelak jugak melihat gelagat mereka nih. Adik ? Aku hanya boleh jeling2 dia dr jauh je, sbb dia siap bg signal dgn tangan agar aku tak menunggu terpacak tepi kelas.Cehh..malu konon, anak lelaki lah katakan..=]

apa2 pun,adik..good luck exam ya..! And a happy 12th birthday you ( 20 mei )..semoga adik panjang umur, diberi kesihatan yg baik, menjadi anak dan manusia yg soleh..diberkati kehidupan adik dunia akhirat..=D! Lepas exam nih..kitorg bawa adik kluar jalan2..enjoy lps exam. Bila ditanya nak hadiah apa utk birthday, mcm2 pulaklah yg dia mintak..nak makan Sate King, Mcd yg foldover tuh, nak tengok Star WArs, Madagascar pun nak tengok..lps tu nak cd game..amboi..ingat kakak2 dia nih cetak duit gamaknya..heheh =]...mcm2 lah adik...

14 May 2005

a couch potato

watched 'Artificial Intelligence' for the first time, i was wiping away tears throughout the movie. My god.. Haley Joel OSment sure can act, ..frankly..for a boy his age, he can make many well-known actors wished that they would be turned into turtles, so they could crept under their shell to hide from embarassment. I mean.. he was totally awesome, ..superb acting! Dahlah cuuuuttteeee sgt,..rs nak ambil buat anak angkat kalau jumpa boy secute tuh..hheheh..;p. Science fiction movie can be so entertaining..( for someone who barely watch any..)

Spending my time leisurely..yup, that's what im doing. Im switching off my hp for a couple of days..free from any calls or SMSes,sorry..fellas, i need some time 'away' from any gadgets, name it handphone or chatting in ym, msn..nope, not on my list. Suddenly i found myself 'not in the mood' for anything, other than staying at home, ..be around my family, watching tv all day( ..u-oh..ive become a tv addict.), read novels... Ermm..enjoying my moment of solitude, not disturbed with the' beep, beep' sound of handphone,.or anything related to it.

HAhah..i spent the whole day, watching 'The Contender Marathon'. I never know, boxing can be something that catches my attention, perhaps because it's a reality tv show. ( but wrestling is still a no-no...i think throwing one another, screaming and acting like some kind of monsters.. are too brutal for any human being..sorry wrestlers, and i can't believe that it's only an act, because it looks so real..). Seriously into this thing..even my parents are surprised, looking at their daughter glued to the tv watching this so-called men's thing. Dun worry lah...im not turning into a hunk just by watching 2 men punch one another in the ring ;]. Gonna miss the finale episode..as im back to college, ..huk2.. =/.Wonder who's gonna win the tittle, because all 4 stand a fair chance at winning, and i want all the 4 men to win, as they represent a true man and a champion spirit, they have good, brotherly relationship with each other, and their fighting spirit are unbelievable. Is it Sergio Mora, the Latin Snake, and the brainy one..or Peter Manfredo, who hold the third world ranking, an innocent-looking man but very tough in the ring...or Alfonso Gomez, the so-called underdog, but showed that he's a born fighter in the ring, ..or Jesse Brinkley, the cool, and ..well..dunno how to describe him. Whoever it is, may the best man wins..and im rooting for Sergio Mora..yeahh..!!! Contenders..go!

okay..okay..enuff for now..btw, im reading a good, interesting novel, "Joanna's Husband and David's Wife ". Gee..so, that's what and how a marriage is huh..? Kinda scary to accept that's how reality is. But i must say that the author did a wonderful job, as her novel is a little bit different from other novels ive read, it makes her work outstanding from others. It explored the mind of a wife, and a husband..what actually going on their mind compared to what is seen from outside by their spouse. And it proves, that man and woman..are born totally different, so let's not assume that we really know one another, there will always be surprises and things that we will never trully understand about the other gender.


13 May 2005

me..a dentist..? hmmm...=/

i went to clinic dgn kakak hari nih, for my routine appoinment with Dr. X. ( btw...i found Dr X very attractive today, in a fatherly way..dont get me wrong, he's old enuff to be my dad..). My sorethroat is getting better, thanks to Strepsils. A trip to clinic turned out to be sthg fun when u are accompanied with someone like my 'kakak'..heheh..she always makes me laugh ( seriously..kakak..unfunny things from ur mouth simply crack me up, or is it me who's so easy to tickle..?)... My 'mentor' in life, my big sister, my good friend, my make-up and dress consultant..my motivator ( her common words to me.." let me meng'anthonyrobbins'kan mung...=D).. , and now her new role, is to open her adik2 eyes on the importance of 'money-making'. Like what she said.." let the money work for us, not we become the slave of money..". She fits the tittle 'anaksulung' perfectly..her unstoppable drive to go for what she wants, her burning spirit to achieve her dreams..and in the same time leading her adik2 to be a better person. To conclude it all..she's the best, and abg zul better take good care of her, or her adik2 will form a batallion of army to protect our big sister..=[ ..heheh, nahh..just kidding, i know she'll be in good hand...=]..( gurau je abg zul..! =])

nway..im not here to talk about my sister, today in the clinic we met an important figure in our life, me and kakak. Kak Gee..our tutor when we were sitting for SPM years ago. My god.. i cant believe i just walked past her without noticing a person that ive been wanting to meet for so long...gladly kakak is more 'peka' than me as she spotted Kak Gee sitting alone in the clinic. We owed a lot to her, she taught me AddMath and Physics, patiently guiding me as i racked my brain learning 2 of my worst subjects in school. ( and to make matter worse, dhlah tak terer subjek tuh, tak suka pulak tuh, bila tak suka mulalah malas buat latihan..huk2..). Ayah will sent me to her house, where ill be sitting facing her for 2 hrs. She's one of the most noble person ive ever met in my life, she devoted her whole life to teaching students personally, mostly students from a lower socio-economic background. As for her, it's not the money she's after to, but it's the satisfaction in helping the less-fortunate ppl. She got a degree in engineering from oversea university, she has an excellent academic qualification,..if she wished to go for a more comfortable life, she could, but she chosed a different path. She follows her heart, and today she stood as one of the most loved of all by all her students..( esp me, who learnt a lot from her..arigato..kak gee!).As i looked at her walking out of the clinic, i noticed how she aged compared to the last time i saw her, how tired and ..alone..But one thing that still remains the same, is her smile, her humbleness and warmness, and that look in the eyes..the kind of look that only special ppl has. Ppl like her.

But one thing that cant seemed to be kicked out from my head, was when she repeatedly asked me one question i usually like to avoid, especially when i dont know the answer to. And when the question came from her mouth, someone i trully respect,..it makes it sounds more worse, 'scary' as i found myself pausing to give the answer. Why? Why the pause, why the doubt.? She asked 2-3 times, as her eyes locked into mine..( the ever inconfident me, when faced with someone whom i look up to...my weakness easily apparent to her..), i didnt answer straight away, and i could feel my uneasiness arised, and i mumbled out smthg, filled with unsureness.." ermm..yeah..i do, ermm..no actually,..the first 2 yrs tu saya main2..tak serious, naik 3rd year..baru rs enjoy sikit, rasa suka tu dtg..hheheh.."..( ohmygod, i sound like a 5 yrs old..=/).And after she's gone, the question keeps lingering in my head, buzzing in my ear...haunting me. I better find the answer fast.

.." are you happy with ur life, with what u are doing now..dentistry, i heard..?" - Kak Gee

And now im questioning myself the very same question...am i happy doing dentistry? Is this what i really want to do for the rest of my life..? and do i enjoy it..?..My...life is tough, and u'll start doubting urself when u cant answer a simple question like this.

blogging my life

some ppl came to me and said..
" ..arent you afraid opening urself in ur blog, u are sharing ur stories with strangers ..u know.."
"..waahh..what are u writing..? so long,..making this into some kind of a novel, is it..?"
"..u've been spending too much time with this blogstuff,..go get a life, will you..."

hmm..ppl..they'll remain being ppl anyway..

i believe i told several ppl before, that if i dont write, i wouldnt live normal. If i dont write, the stories in my head will be bugging me to put it into words, ( not like im writing anything as great as all the well-known authors )..it's just what i like doing. It's just what ive been doing since kid. Before i started writing in online journal, i wrote in books, until one day, my sister told me, why dont i share what i write with ppl, rather than keeping it only for my eyes. Basically, that's how i begin. If ppl found life in sports or acting, i found mine through pen and papers. If they think what im doing as sthg fruitless or no-life, too bad..im not impressing anyone here, this is life to me, and im enjoying it. Im just fulfilling a need in me, before venturing into sthg more than just jotting my thoughts in here. Who knows what future has in store for me...rite..? Test the water, before taking the plunge.

I enjoy reading other ppls' blog..friends and sisters. From there, we can see another part of them, that is not detectable and visible from outside. I like the feeling i get when i read ppls' thoughts, esp ppl that surprised me with 'the hidden side' of them that would only be shown from their writings. Their vulnerability, stuffs going on their mind, their hopes and dreams, their pasts and memories. Smtmes, i found myself laughing at their entries. And smtmes, what they wrote awakened me from things ive forgotten, it becomes an eye-opener to me in some ways. No matter how they write it, how they put it in words, how they 'blogged' it, ..we are the same bunch of ppl who dare enough to share a small part of ourselves with other ppl, and ppl we called strangers.

i never judge the blog owner, i just read what they wrote. Some are really good writers, who amazes me with their ideas. Some simply jot down their routine life, what they do, where they go. Some write short notes, compared to some others who spend hours writing lengthy entries...( err..someone like me kott.). Whatever it is, respect ppls' ways in living their life. If it's not considered 'fun' in ur eyes, it might be heaven to others.

As for me, i never know blogging would turn out as sthg that i do religiously. I like writing in here, seriously i do. It's like a portion of my dreams come true. I like thinking that what i wrote is read by ppl, it's like im some kind of magazine editor that her writing will appear at the 'Editors Column' weekly ..;]. I feel like im a real writer. Eventhough the contents are nothing, just stuffs in my mind, but knowing that perhaps some ppl might enjoy it, that it might benefits someone, and they can get sthg good from it, that some ppl might be entertained reading it...the satisfaction i feel after completing an entry is undescribable with words. Plus, im learning a lot myself, especially in polishing my English. If u noticed, there's a lot of grammar mistakes here and there, but too hell with all that. I know ive improved a lot, and ill keep learning. Surprisingly, i found myself enjoying every minute of it, the moments i spent flipping thru dictionaries, for the sake of enriching myself with vocabularies. It makes me appreciate myself more, grateful with this gift from Allah, an ability to express myself and see the world from a writer's eyes. But most of all, i want ppl, esp friends to know the real me, and not only assuming that they know me from what they hear and see. This is who i am,the thoughts i think and the things i feel, ..

Funny rite, when we like something, we'll do it, no matter what ppl say or think. U'll stay up late at night just to write, and it's even funnier when u are not sleepy one bit. U'll breathe a sigh of satisfaction and relief, just by doing the things u enjoy.

u think the people who are people
are people who look and think like u
but when u walk the footsteps of a stranger
u'll learn things u never knew
- from the movie 'Pocahontas'

11 May 2005

the attraction factor

In the movie 'Gone With The Wind'..Scarlett O' Hara is deeply fond of Ashley,who later be the husband of Melanie ( ermm..have u watched this movie..=/ ?). She tried and did everything she could to win Ashley's heart. And she couldn't shift the feeling to other man, even after she's married to Rhett Butler, who loves and cares for her very much ( not to mention more handsome than Ashley =p). And in the end, when she finally realised that the man she was destined to is Rhett, when she came running to her husband, it was too late, the man had already given up and tired of trying and waiting, plus hurt, watching Scarlett hugging Ashley and comforting him passionately. Heh..i can still remember the last dialogue from Rhett, before he walked out the door, leaving Scarlett .." Frankly, my dear..i dont care a damn..."( with his baritone male voice..).

Hmm..an example of 'unexplainable attraction'.

I've read once,..or was it sthg i watched in nAtional GEographic, about how female and male insects attract one another in the mating season. A chemical thing is produced,..called the feromon, it's kind of a distinctive smell, that draw the male to the female, indicating that the female is ready for mating and is seeking partner ( kind of macam mengorat lah..kan..=] ) and the rest is.. i guess we all know what happens after that. Hmm..how beautiful things are working in this world rite..glory be to Allah.

What stirs my curiousity is..are there such things like that among us humans? I mean, how we become attracted to someone, is there sthg like magnetic power or an unseen bond that makes Ali drawn to Aminah, and vice versa..? Okay..before i write more, have it ever occured to you, questions like, why am i attracted to A, and not B, when both of them share equally the same qualities..? And what is it in C, that makes ur heart couldn't beat normally when he's around ? Or why in the world are u eyeing and hoping for D, who barely recognises or notices u, and not to E, who's always there, and has been trying wooing you for so long..? Weird rite,..hmm..? Or does all these have to do with what i term as 'the attraction factor'..?

Why we like a person or be attracted to someone, basically that's the point i'm pondering here. What is it in them or is it in us..? I always believe that attraction is sthg that we dont feel to every one. Strongly attracted to a particular types of ppl,..the one that a simple hello from them could make u grin excitedly like a maniac. The kind that makes ur day seems brighter and happier, just knowing that he's/she's there. What is the thing..is it just some kind of infatuation? Deep admiration that finally leads someone to be emotionally drawn to that person..? Or is physical attraction the reason behind all these..?

Some times ago, the theologian side in me said and believed ..that when we fancy someone, i mean strongly attracted for no reason, that person is also very much interested in you, ..heheh( okay..a bit of 'teori org perasan' la kott..,but i had a few examples of true experiences and ppl's stories which proved that my theory is right =D.) And knowing that my hypothesis was proven true, i was ecstatic , who wouldnt?! But..yeah, it's just some unreliable theory, and please..im not going to be responsible if someone out there tend to believe in this, and blame me later if it turns out to be wrong. Even scientists have experienced failured experiments. And most of the inventors like Thomas Alva Edison, Alexander Graham Bell..they failed like hundreds of times before they finally succeed.

Whatever it is, this force of nature that attract Adam and Eve..it must not be used as a reason to philander around when u are already married and commited to someone officially. Unless u are still single and available to consider and think about it, then perhaps further steps can be taken to create something between both of u. Because, as human with feelings, we are prone to fall for someone with common interest, a person u feel u have the 'chemistry' with, someone we feel comfortable talking to..even platonic relationship can turn to sthg more serious, when intense feelings are involved and felt. And to all married/engaged ppl out there who happens to suffer from ' Extra Marital Attraction Syndrome' ( no..dont look up for this words, i made it up..)..just bear in mind, that u are not free anymore, someone's waiting for u at home, that u have to be loyal and faithful to the one married to u. Needless to say, u just have to have a good conscience. In other words, there has to be some barriers, ' batas dlm pergaulan'..and that's the beauty of Islam, who guide us in every aspects of life.

This 'attraction factor' thing, like what some ppl say, is just lust. And if we let it take the lead, marriage can be broken, relationships between two lovers can faltered, and hatred and revenge created between ppl. Hmm..complicated it can be, if we let it be..

But still..hmm..i found the whole idea of 'attraction factor', when we are attracted to someone, who at the same time, having the exact aura of feeling towards us, both keeping it to themselves ( and that's where the problems lie..huhu..who's gonna make the first move then..?)..as sthg very ..hmm..well, i dont want to use that "R" word, i've used it often enough in my blog..;p. Let just say that it gives a wonderful feeling inside, knowing that perhaps hearts do have connections after all..

before i end, i found this while reading yesterday, just thought that it correlates well to the topic here. It's quoted from Jet Li, reading his interview, heheh..guess he's not only a tough kungfu fighter, but also a very noble man, with a good heart inside..and it just makes me like him more..( he's one of my fav actors in the world..;] )

"..like electricity, you need both the cord and the plug. Sometimes, if there are girls around me, it's a one way thing. They can express their feelings about me, but as long as i dont react back, there is nothing they can do. To clap you need both hands. If only the girl is extending her hand and you are not returning it, there is no result, there is no noise.."- Jet Li

09 May 2005

bacalah..dengan nama Tuhan

td lepas mandi, terdengar suara kakak aku mengaji. Sedap jugak suara dia..

sekonyong-konyong ingatan aku kembali ke masa silam. Sewaktu aku dan kakak yg berusia 6-7 thn, bersila rapat, mengadap ayah selepas solat Maghrib. Dari muqaddam, hinggalah ke 'Quran besar'..( term yg kami guna dulu..), ayahlah guru mengaji kami. Dalam takut2 aku pada ayah, aku liat betul nak mengaji. Ada aje lah alasan..yg mostlynya tak berjaya utk membolehkan aku escape mengaji. Kalau demam tu, seboleh2 mungkin nak buat mcm separuh mati, kenapa..sbb nanti ayah bg miss mengaji. Aku mmg kanak2 yg penuh 'mischief' ms kecik dulu..=]. Ada sekali tu, idea jahat aku ni, setiap kali menyelak lembar baru, aku akan skip 2-3 page sekali,dengan harapan nanti cepatlah habis mengaji. Ingat ayah ni 'buta' sgt lah tu, sekali dia dpt tangkap aktiviti aku tuh, terus kena mula drpd awal semula. ISkks..

ayah mmg tegas dlm bab mengaji2 nih. Aku masih ingat lagi, malam pertama aku mula baca 'Quran besar'. Ayah hulur Quran warna ungu pd aku, kakak warna hijau. Ayah mulakan dengan menerangkan tentang dengung bacaan, kat huruf mana boleh berhenti, tanda bacaan dll. Ayah juga cakap, .." skarang dh naik 'Quran besar', kenalah baca betul2 , tak boleh main2 lagi..". Pada masa itu, tak dpt digambarkan betapa aku rasa sgt 'dewasa' dan bangga, aku buat muka tekun, riak wajah ayah masa tu masih jelas dlm kepala sampai sekarang, membayangkan betapa pentingnya saat tu pd aku. Ayah kalau masa ajar mengaji mmg serious, kakak pernah kena tahan mengaji sampai pukul 11 mlm, aku ingat lagi masa tu lampu dh tutup, tinggal Kak Dah buat keje kat dapur. Aku turun perlahan2 dan tengok dr tangga, kakak masih terbongkok2 mengadap Quran. Hmmm..

Dan begitulah seterusnya, sehingga aku dh boleh mengaji sendiri. Adik2 bwh lagi lah 'manja' jdnya, sbb mama yg ajar. ( biasalah..mama, lembut sikit, tak segarang ayah..) .Pun begitu, hasil didikan, dan penekanan akan pentingnya lidah fasih dan lancar menyebut ayat Tuhan, menjadi satu ilmu yg sgt berharga buat kami.

Semasa di Tadika Amal, setiap pagi akan ada sesi hafazan surah dgn cikgu. Dan aku ingat lagi, tak dpt lepas2 hafaz surah al-bayyinah, lama betul tersangkut kat situ. Sampai jd takut nak gi tadika, sbb asyik tak dpt, cikgu tu pulak piat dekat paha. Cikgu yg mengajar bercermin mata, bertuduh labuh dan purdah, dan sesi hafazan ni berjalan dengan seorg murid mengadap seorg cikgu. Akhirnya aku dpt satu cara, balik rumah, aku pakai tudung bulat yg aku jumpa dlm almari, ( agaknya kalau ade spek mata, aku pakai jugak )..duduk bersila dpn pintu, dan berlakon jd cikgu hafazan tuh. Aku ulang2 baca, dgn gaya dan mimik cikgu sedang mengajar kami menghafal. Rupa2nya 'lakonan' aku tu berkesan. Dek berulang2 kali baca, aku berjaya hafal surah itu. Dan begitulah seterusnya, kaedah 'tiru-gaya-cikgu' dh jadi cara aku menghafal surah. Hehe..antara manfaatnya daya imaginasi kanak2...

apa2 pun, ..tunjuk ajar ayah dan mama, serta cikgu2 dahulu,..selagi aku mengamalkan ilmu pengajian QUran ni, selagi itulah juga pahalanya turut mengalir pada mereka. Aku sgt bersyukur didedahkan dengan Kalam Tuhan ini dari usia 'rebung' aku, yg masih lembut dan mudah dibentuk. InsyaAllah, sebagaimana ayah mengorbankan masanya hari2 menjadi' tok guru' aku, satu hari nanti, ilmu yg sama yg dicurahkan pada aku, akan aku salurkan pulak pada anak2 aku.
Ya Allah..bantulah aku menghayati dan mendampingi Al-Quran-MU, dan jadikanlah aku, serta generasi selepasku, hamba-hamba yg menjadikan Al-Quran teman akrab kami sepanjang zaman...aminn.

06 May 2005

footsteps of yesterday

tempat jatuh lagikan dikenang...

last month, i went to SMAPL. Visiting my 16th yr old sister, ( who smtmes acted like 6 yrs old..tulah mslhnya kalau 'bungsu tak jadi' nih..heheh ). And..oh boy..my former school has changed so much, far different from the time i was there, around 10 yrs ago..1995-1999.

As i was strolling along the corridor near the Dewan Seri Bestari..the memories filling my mind was overwhelming. It felt like it happenned yesterday..like im back being the innocent teenager walking around school area, seeking knowledge. ( yup..that's what i did at that time, now i wonder..where was that 'pencari ilmu' in me today..?). Every spot has its own stories..every place reminds me of sthg. Boy.. i am a nostalgic person..heheh...=]

The faces that are still vividly engraved in my heart. The moments that stays undisturbed somewhere in me. The familiar smell of dormitories and classes. The feeling of serenity and tranquil, being at a place where we grew up..to become a person we are today.

Thank you SMAPL..semoga terus melahirkan insan2, cemerlang ilmu dunia dan akhirat...

Lagu sekolah

1982, ditubuhkan dengan harapan waja
dalam cabaran dalan rintangan
akhirnya kau berdiri tetap megah

melahirkan anak-anak yg berjaya
kau cemerlang dlm segala-gala
menjadi kebanggaan nusa dan bangsa
generasimu intelektual ulama

bangun segera bersatulah
majukan sekolah menuju jaya
seagama sebangsa dan sealiran
tingkatkan persatuan menuju kehadapan

berilmu, beriman dan beramal
konsep menghadapi pembelajaran
ISlam panduan maju bersama
LABU..!!!( hehehe..yg ni kitorg selalu tambah..=])

05 May 2005

duri dan api

" Poetry is very private, it's the percolating and regurgitating of inner thoughts.."- A Malay poet

' Duri dan Api'..a collection of Allahyarham Usman Awang's poems. Found this old book when clearing the bookshelf last 2 weeks and it actually belong to my late uncle. Cant believe the price of this book was only $2.70..( compared to expensive books in market nowadays..).

i never read any poetry book before, even poems in newspapers. Other than not really interested in it, perhaps also b'cos i dont want to be influenced by other ppls' way in expressing their words. Going through the yellowed pages of the book, reading some of the poems repeatedly, trying to comprehend the meanings of each and hoping to understand the feeling of the writer..quite a struggle though, sadly enough..it was not a successful attempt. Hmm.., can i say that a poet is kind-of a romantic person, deep and thoughtful..perhaps quite introvert or inward, who chooses to say things and voice their feelings through writings...hmm...

Here's one of the poems, that im quite attracted to, but couldnt really understand what it means. Perhaps some of you wanna share some views. Nway, enjoy reading it readers, perhaps it might give us some new insights about things we never realised before.


jika kau berikan dengan kedua tanganmu
yang mengalir dari hati dan kandungan
dari ujud rasa yang maha agung
akan kutatang ia di dulang hatiku

telah kita tunggu sejak pertama hati menguntum
tiada terusik oleh segala selisih rasa
sebab ia tinggi mengepak di puncak menara
dengan kedamaiannya dalam jalinan setangkai senyum

bila ia menjelma dan suaranya memanggil nama bapa
bisikkan padanya segala kisah yang tercipta
antara ibu dan ayah yang mengujudkan nama setia..
-singapura, januari 1964

learning soccer..

Among the thing i despise about live football match is when i wanted to watch my favourite drama starring ako mustapha, but there's a a LIVE match that my brothers said they'll die if they miss it..and as usual, the negotiation always resulted with them hogging the TV remote and the whole box for 2 hrs..and me, bored and defeated looking at them cheering for the game. They can be so 'soccer-maniac' that smtmes they would wear their favourite club jerseys along..and running around the living room when someone goaled. Abe, the Chelsea guy and Adik the Man Utd boy.

Football..hmm, what about it..?

I remember once Abe woke up at 2.30 am, groggily searching for the TV remote, and i was still awake, doing some writing. There was another match of chelsea vs bayern munich. "..Again..?! Why..?" i quizzically asked Abe, silently thinking that perhaps the last match was probably declared unfair in certain parts and this is a re-match, but Abe glared at me, still looking disoriented and badly sleepy, half-heartedly answered that the last time, they played at chelsea's stadium and now they are playing at bayern munich's. Huh..? Whatever that means.

Im never a sport person myself, but im quite interested to know a few things about famous sports around the world, hoping to be a well-rounded person. But never really managed to put mysef on the same par as some of my girl friends who are into this sports thingy. YEah..i do know a few famous faces in tennis, football, etc..but how the game works, the rules and stuffs like that, im terribly hopeless in all these. I did try asking my brother some rules in football, hoping to be knowledgable with some soccer terminology like 'offside', 'hatrick', but keep forgetting the whole thing. Heheh.. there were times when i sat and watch the game with him, hoping that i could gain some understanding, but he finally became annoyed of me who keep bugging him with questions when his eyes were fixed to the tv set. Finally, i end up fallen asleep on the couch, not even halfway of the game, so much of my football learning. =/

last year, i read the autobiography of David Beckham, if im not mistaken, the tittle is 'David Beckham: My Side'. This book belongs to a friend who is one of football lovers, she can discuss about football with the boys ( and a big fan of beckham as well). Well, during my exploration of beckham's life in that book, i found myself subsequently feeling the passion in a football game, but still couldnt grasp the whole techniques and tactics in it .

Remembering the world Cup 2002 in Japan and Korea, the fever it caused was epidemic, and spreading to all stages of age. Hehe, cant really forget the shock i had when i walked in the house and found my mama and kak dah ( my maid ), who never watch more else understand football, cheering along with my other siblings in front of the tv set. My..unbelievably amazing, the craze football had on ppl. At that time, i was seriously into it myself, rooting for Japan and Brazil..

Except for a few names like Michael Ballack, Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Frank lampard, makalele..etc..and yeah..the fact that the ball has to rolled into the goal, not much about football that i can talk more else discuss about. How infuriating it is when i had to give up and 'mengalah' to my brothers during 'negotiation times', but deep down in me, i really dont mind that much. I like the fact that my two only brothers are among the real men who are crazy about soccer stuffs, perhaps..knowing that it's really men's things. I like looking at them so intently focused to the screen ( and if i purposedly tease and make stupid jokes around them, esp Abe, his glare is enough to send me walking back to my seat..ceh! ). PLus, i like watching my two dearest brothers, together in their room, talking about football, as if there's no age barrier between them.

well.. let the men enjoy what pleases them, and me..erm..i leave football aside, it's just not really my cup of tea ..=]( besides i barely could understand what the players or their managers are saying in the tv interviews..).

03 May 2005

hati ni pelik

Hati ni pelik. Weirdly, peculiarly pelik...=/. Perhaps time will make it more understandable to me.
In my previous blog..( the one ive deleted, regretfully..=/), ive wrote and pondered about the nature of human' s heart. Hati, 'qalbu'..perasaan, sanubari..or whatever name ppl term it, all means the same..a place inside you, where deep feelings aroused and felt. ( poetically saying..heheh ). Aku tulis ttg sifat kebolehubahan hati, hari ni rasa macam ni, esok lusa mungkin lain. Nak jaga hati bukan perkara yang senang, tambahan pulak dlm dunia hari ni, pilihan kian bnyk, godaan kian kuat, ..pendek kata, .. (yg panjangnya tak kata..?=p).

know what, movies like 'serendipity'..'sleepless in seattle'..make certain ppl,..(erm..okay..ppl like me..) believes there are such things like that in life., that's how love supposed to bound and happen. U grew up fantasizing the day ull found 'the one' and know at that very moment....." yup..it's him/her", with no hassle to 'kiss-all-the-frogs-to-find-your-prince-charming' thing. But the truth is... life offers u sthg else.The reality is not as sweet, simple, and ..safe as that. In one of my argument with kakak ( which most of it won by her..), i said that movies, dramas etc reflects ppls' life, that there are ppl out there who are really and actually living in this life, because ppl make stories from what they see around them, true things surrounding us. But my sister said that moviemakers make what ppl want to see, they create things ppl like and enjoy ( which answers why most of movies end with a happy ending ..). Ppl wish for fairytale love life, and that's what they present to you. But reality is different. If u want a life like that, work for it. Life is just not as simple as that, it is not supposed to be served in silver platter, u want sthg, go and work for it. Wahh..my dear big sister, what ill do without u..? =/

No matter how i avoid admitting it, the romantic side in me cling quite stubbornly to this myth..( eventhough im allergic to unnecessary mushy words..). I like believing ..that all those things is actually true, that it could and would come true. Hopelessly silly eh..can't help it, im a Pisces..( haha..a lame reason ). Speaking of this, i did a test about 'The Most Compatible Zodiac Match' once in the web..heheh, and the result was unsurprisingly, had been at the back of my mind all these time. Hah..i dont think i wanna spill the answer, though we know tests/quizzes like that are not evidently-based or really reasonable and sensible to most ppl..but still, u know us, women..we just like stuffs like that. ;p

02 May 2005

a new me..=D

1 May 2005..i wrote this particular date in here so that ill remember..( no..not because of hari buruh..=/)..

After the past 2-3 weeks, the matter that has been bugging me, occupying my mind, interrupting my sleep..( er,,ok, im exaggerating..even blaring noise next to my ear barely shook me awake from my sleep ..)forcing me to think about a few things in life. Hope this is a new turning point for me.

Something awakened me from my 'long vacation'. Bit by bit, little by little, step by step..the old me, who is always confused, indecisive, afraid to take risks..and the girl who prefer other ppl make the choice for her will eventually be erased. From today onwards...ill begin a new me..insyaAllah...

Eventhough i know it's gonna be tough, as im living with it for 22 yrs..i have to start taking action today or i never will. Learn what it really means by 'being responsible' of my ownself, not depending on others' opinion in practically everything i do in life, independently thinking and living. I dont wish to see my next 22 yrs resulted with no changes, no improvements, no nothing from me.

Im giving myself more time,to learn, to think and listen to my own mind and heart, so that ill know more about myself and life. And insyaAllah, when the time finally comes, il be able to stand on my own feet, and take whatever decision ive made bravely, believing it with all my heart.

pray for me readers..=]