07 January 2006

looking back to yesteryears

Went to accompany ayah and mama working in our 'new kampung' last week , well..precisely speaking, i didnt help anything..heheh, since it was raining like cats and dogs outside. ( but, ayah, abe and adik didn't waste a moment to work in the garden and 'main hujan'..boys!). So i decided to wander around the house. In one of the room, i found my old box, my big box which contains the stories of my 5-6 years in SMAPL and KMM. It's been a long time since i last poke my head and scramble through the stuffs in it..so..it can be said that my excitement to be reunited with old memories was quite overwhelming ...=]

As i opened the box, berhabuk and all.., i found all my teenagers memories. There's this small paper bag crammed with letters. All sorts of letters, cards, short messages/notes, words...my God..didnt i throw anything away ? I opened some of the letters and was halfly-touched, half-ly amused reading through it. There were letters from 'kakak angkat'..;], from my 'monitor-and-junitor', from pen-pals and friends, some who only existed for a very short time in my life, yet i still have their letters. Including letters and notes from some 'SA's..ehhe ( fond and funny memories ms sekolah..). Some of the papers were already old and yellowish, some nearly 'hancur' and have to be opened gently, or else ill damage it.

Also safely kept are the gifts and presents from friends.I dont know why i never use those things...hmm. There are photo frames, music boxes, a clock+frame, the cute organiser ( still with me ; ]), and also the silver necklace from my monitor. I remembered when i received the necklace, i was quite shocked getting such an exquisite piece of jewellery when i only gave him a shirt =/. Because we were still young and in school, i didnt expect to get that kind of gift, plus dunno when to wear it.. so,..perhaps that was among the reason i kept it in the box for so long. But thanks,..really.. for all these precious things, it keeps the memory of the person who gave it in me. Each things has its own story, and i really cherish and treasured all of it dearly.

Terus menyelongkar khazanah dlm kotak. Found my old diary and journals, autographs (books where friends will write in it, at the end of schooling years. i have 3-4 of it..).Again ,i floated into old memories. As i flipped through it, i was choking back tears as emotions started to rise reading the lines written in the autographs. I opened and read thru some scribbled writings of mine in the diaries, and the images of the scenes came flashing vividly in my eyes. Some were stabbingly painful, some were hilariously funny, some were indescribably sweet. How childish we were at that age, thinking that that was the biggest problem in the world we'll ever encounter. The hidden feelings, the excitement and happiness,the confusion, the sadness,the longing and loneliness..the hopes and dreams. Captions of events which at that time were important to be written down, 'carved' in papers so we will never forget it.( which seem quite lame reading it back now..ehhe ). The need to share the story with someone, but it had to be kept secret..so I pour it out in diaries or journals.

Some revelations were made in autographs, perhaps thinking that it'll be their last chance to say what they want. Some took the opportunity to voice their opinions about the owner of the book, saying out things which are not able to be spoken upfront. Some of the words written makes me think, " so..that's how they see me, who i was in their eyes before.." Was i really like that, was i that kind of a person..? And..am i still like that..?

I have to admit, amidst the good life and reputation, im not proud of some of the things happenned back then, where i was the main role in it.( no..dont think too far, i did nothing of all that sort aa..). Words said can't be retrieved, actions taken are undone. Some ppl's feelings were hurt, and i hate thinking that i did that to them intentionally or unintentionally. And to make it worse, one of them is no longer here for me to beg forgiveness. Some of them are no where to be found, scattered around the world, for me to say 'im sorry'. I was just a childish, unsure, scared and confused girl..who tried my best to liven up the expectations of myself, parents, and school. Holding certain post in the school board made it even harder for me to do whatever i want or entertain my needs. Ive concealed the 'teenage' side in me, putting a hard, emotionless face as i walk, pretending not to care when i did, and brushing away any blossoming feelings in me. Heh..boy..did i look 'sombong' then, i guess i was..

Well..ive talked too much. If there's anyone here who was hurt before, by my words or actions..i apologise. If i could turn back time and do it once more, in a more appropriate and better way, i will do it. Unfortunately we can't. I just hope that ppl understand and would see it as an act of an immatured girl, who was still very much unaware of many things about life. Ive learnt from experiences and mistakes, still learning to live, and trying to better myself from day to day. Pray for me..and insyaAllah, ill be praying for all of us too..

it's easy to be judgmental towards other ppl rite...even the people we dont even know.( im telling this to myself mostly..)


faruq said...

gotta love those days...

"My past is my wisdom to use today..." can't really recall who said that, but what important is for us to value the past ;)

justme said...

hmm...yeah, u are rite. it just that, if only some things can be undone...eheh, which is impossible ehh..=]