liking the 'not-so-likeable'..

…bila-lah nak terer prostho nih. Or, accurately, bila-lah nak suka sikit kat prostho nih.. ( minta maaf kalau ade doktor2 prostho yg baca nih,..ehheh ..)

Prosthodontic, among the branches in dentistry, which involves the making of prosthesis/artificial teeth eg dentures, bridges, crowns..and implants ( implant nih, kitorg tak buat, specialist sj..).Kenapa tak suka..? Good question.

Because it involves technicalities, if u don’t have a good grasp of the concept, u cant do it well. In other words, u just can’t memorise it blindly, like oral medicine or paediatric. For me, it’s a bit like maths/physics, .. u have to understand the basics well, in order to make a good denture design etc. Different mouth have different cases, and not everyone entering dental clinic with a Kennedy class III feature, which would be easy because then it would be a straight case from book. But unfortunately, very seldom cases like tht happens, and patient come with all sorts of anatomical variations and altered occlusions eg overerupted and tilted teeth that makes designing a good partial denture is hard. For me, I mean. And I have this big problem, since school, that when I don’t like a subject, I leave it for last, because reading and studying dislikeable subjects always end up with me snoring in the study room. Subjects like physics, and now prosthodontic. Huaaa….bila nak pandai kalau mcm ni..?

A little bit about dentistry. There are about 9 branches in dentistry, which I would explain very briefly...
1.preventive and community dentistry/ dental public health – about oral health issues in communities, focusing about oral health promotion and education.
2.paediatric dentistry/ pedodontic – concerning about children, their dentition, dentofacial growth and anomalies etc.
3.orthodontic – concerning with growth of face, development of dentition, prevention and correction of occlusal anomalies. Braces, is the type of orthodontic treatment.
4.endodontic – the branch in dentistry related with the pulp and periradicular area. Root canal treatment is the example of treatment.
5.restorative/conservative dentistry – restoring damaged tooth structure back to its functional and morphological state. Example doing fillings in teeth with amalgams ( the silver-black filling ), or tooth-coloured fillings like composite resin and glass ionomer cement.
6.periodontic – related with the supporting structures holding the tooth in the bone, that is the periodontal ligaments. Loosening and progressing tooth mobility in older ppl are related with periodontitis, inflammation and infection of the periodontal areas.
7.oral pathology and oral medicine- deals with pathology of mouth, oral lesions and oral manifestations from systemic diseases. Btw..do u know that 75% of AIDS patient have oral manifestations in the mouth…
8.oral surgery and maxillofacial – extractions, treatment of head and neck trauma injuries, involves the surgical treatment of the head and neck diseases and lesions. Example treating a motor-vehicle accidents patients who sustained injures to the face, eg jaw fracture.
9.and last but not least..prosthodontic...

There’s new addition, that is forensic dentistry and aesthetic dentistry ( this is more like conservative/restorative ).

Whatever it is naz, u have chose dentistry, so i must and should try my best to at least ‘pretend’ to like some parts in dentistry that I dont really like. And insyaAllah…step by step, bit by bit..i will be at least better in it than now. It’s a part of sthg I will be doing in life, so I must accept and try to find enjoyment in it. Or else, how am I going to enjoy my work later. I will and must find the ‘joy’ of prosthodontic, and concentrate on it. Who knows ..at the end of the day, I might even like making dentures…=]

The same goes when we have choose someone later, to be our life partner. There will be things about that person which might irk us. And some of our traits might annoy or irritate our spouse. But that’s how it is, right ?. We accept the person as a whole, taking in the good and the bad. If we are the ‘cleaning freak’ and our spouse are the type that doesn’t find messy room a big problem, never mind, don’t make a big fuss of it and turn everyday living into a catfight. Since u enjoy cleaning so much, u do the cleaning and ur partner can do the cooking or washing ;]. That’s what being a ‘partner’ is all about, working together as a team and sharing the workload.

I remember a discussion with my sister about this. Yes, we might never able to find a person who truly fits all the criterions we wish our future spouse would have. The important issue here, is we must be able to tolerate the ‘other side' of that person which we don’t really like. It actually differs between individuals and depends on what we view as important in life. What I mean by this is that, for me personally, I don’t think ill be able to tolerate someone who take ‘religion practice’ like sembahyang or puasa lightly. I can’t see my life next to someone who enjoys partying with friends till late at night, who makes 'goggling at woman' a hobby and put family second after 'personal entertainment'. And i dont want to tolerate LIARS too. If fundamentals things like ‘rukun islam’ are not part of his daily rituals or if his life is far too different from mine, it’ll clash with the way of life I want my children to have. But again, like I said, different ppl, have different views about this, and different aims in life.

Things like character and personalities are sthg we can’t really criticize much, it’s the variety and colours of life. Some ppl are taciturn and quiet, others are more loud and talkative. There are reasons why we are created not in the same mould,..or else life would be dull and bland. As for me, I enjoy observing the varieties of ppl's characters, making a mental note to myself that ‘no two person are alike’. And I believe that’s how it is. We don’t marry our mirror reflection, and we don’t hunt around looking for someone who thinks like us or agrees with all the words we said all the time.

..but as we are on the topic of 'tolerating',.. what if one person needs to sleep in pitch darkness with not a stir of noise, whereas the partner is the type that only can sleep with the lights on plus music blaring as backgound lullaby, ..hmm.. how to tolerate tht ehh..? eheheh..well then , maybe time will make u get used to it,..=]

...err…. how from prosthodontic I get to here…? =/

age factor

I always forget that i'm 24 now. Need to keep reminding myself..or else i'll just.....forget. =/

Seriously..sometimes, i feel like im still the teen girl, experiencing new things with no worries in mind. Until reality hit me, that im actually no longer a ‘girl’, but im a woman now. Or when my father would repeat his ‘favourite words’ to his adult-daughter who smtmes act like kids around him “..Heh..dah boleh jadi mak orang dah nih..!”. ( Opsie. Lupa lah ). Or is this a sign and symptom of someone who is ‘awet muda’ ?..hehehheh. ( or a sign of someone who doesn’t want to grow up..? =/ ).

And smtmes, the truth would be presented to me when I attend a friend’s kenduri kahwin. Looking at the pair, hand in hand, glowing with happiness walking towards their new future, it’ll struck me “oh my…i'm 24 !!! ”. And the same realisation dawned on me too, when I am gathering with friends, and then someone said “ ehh, tahu tak *** dah dapat baby..”. ( Huh? Bila pregnant ?). And another one would add “..haa, next month,@@@ akan kahwin plak..” ( ehh..?). And among the gossiping singletons, someone would then ask “..Bila kita punya turn pulak..?” ( erk..?). There’ll be a split second silence, exchanging looks among one another, and another person would chip in cheerfully "... alah..nanti kita kahwinlah..!”.( that’s right! =] ). And the cluttering noise of forks and spoons and gossiping starts again..

Not that im not grateful or proud, being a 24 yrs old woman, "..yeay2..im 24 =D !!!" ( wow..it sounds very matured and grown up!..). It just, when I look around me, ppl my age, or younger than me, accomplishing this and that, gaining this much and that much every month, I couldn’t help but feel...'lacking’. As there isn’t yet many things, I mean, big things, like BIG. Whatever that is big…in my hand so far.

Thinking about this, it makes me question myself..what have I achieved, being a 24 yr old ? Personal achievements..., I mean. Haven't start working, so no monthly income, still very much depending on parents. Alwys proud of my independence, but suddenly all seems very fake and fruitless. If I die tomorrow, what marks will I leave behind me ..or is my short existence in this world were as near as meaningless..?

Okay..not really a ‘good life-planner’. When sthg happens, then only I’ll pause to think about my own life. Never had a target age, like when to settle down, or when to start getting my own car ( how about ‘learning’ how to drive again rather than planning about buying a car..?), or when to further my studies..? Hmm..not good, naz, not good at all. And no wonder my parents keep getting worried about me, as their daughter is still very much the same like 10 years ago, apart from the increasing age.

Don’t worry,.. ill get married, ok... And I’ll practise my driving, ( and ill pretend tht im not scared..), and i’ll pass my undergraduates, and I’ll be a great human being...insyaAllah. =] ..

I have another 6 yrs to 30. I don’t hope to see it as stagnant as now. Big changes have to happen, big rewards will come. Hmm. Eye for the future.

Act your age. You are 24.

exodontia

My confession here might sound a bit ‘brutal’, but it’s the truth. I like extracting teeth..seriously I do. Of course not manically extracting all teeth in a person’s mouth, it just I realise that I really enjoyed my extraction classes throughout my undergraduates.

Extracting teeth = exodontia. A bit of terminology..ehhe.

I dunno how to describe it. Enjoy the feeling when the teeth came out in one piece, what I mean by this is, not leaving the root halfly fractured in the bone. Don’t start gapping with worriness hearing this, it’s quite a common thing when extracting teeth, esp if the bone is dense that extracting that one tooth is enough to burn all energy stored. I never thought myself that pulling out a tooth is that hard. Because my father used to pull out my primary teeth when i was a kid,( I really hate when he did that..eheh ). He used to say sthg like “,… ayah nak tengok je, goyang setakat mana..” and in a split of second, my tooth which was dangling dangerously due to extreme mobility is in his hand. I would be a little bit angry at first, but he was right, there was no pain, not even blood. Because the tooth was already ‘bergoyang tahap dewa’..ehhe. Oh btw..if the root is fractured, we will not leave it behind, we’ll take it out.

Our doctors used to advise us to always exercise the hand, or else it’ll take us the whole day to extract one tooth. Not all teeth is hard to be pulled out. Commonly, the teeth are already mobile due to gum problems, so it’s not that problematic. Using dental forcep, we twist it a little, rotate, move the teeth back and forth a few times, u heard a slight ‘crack’ indicating that the periodontal ligaments are being teared away, and blood will be gushing out. By that time, u know..the tooth is coming out. Smtmes, I have to paused for a while,’ sbb tangan lenguh’, and then continue twisting the teeth. If it’s the front teeth, where there is only one root, it’s more easier compared to molar teeth which have 2-3 roots .

The expression on the patient’s face tickles me smtmes. Heheh..esp the guys. Some would walk in the clinic, all ‘macho’ looking, and when they see the needle, they would go all white. They would say “ err…tak cucuk boleh ke..saya ‘alergik’lah dgn jarum..”.Ehhe..sorry, but we are taught pain-free dentistry, so..hendak tak hendak kena cucuk jugaklah sikit, ye encik, nanti sakit. And to lessen the anxiety and bring back the blood that were drained from their face, we would talk and try to divert their attention away from the needle. But it’s them, these patients, whom im most thankful to. Their trust in us, their willingness to be our patients ( knowing the fact that this person extracting their teeth is not yet a dentist !) and their indirect way of encouraging us, by nodding reassuringly as we struggle to pull their teeth out.

The first tooth I pulled out, was an upper front tooth, which was already slightly mobile. The patient is a middle-age man, who lifted up my spirit that first day by saying “.. awak ni, kalau bukak klinik swasta..laku nih..”( Ohh..i went beaming like ripe tomato..eheheh. ). And as the tooth came out perfectly, the exhilaration, satisfaction and excitement was so overwhelming . Still can recall the feeling, trembling slightly as I wriggled the tooth out, and holding my breath as the blood starting to ooze out ( it was my first time, luckily the patient did not notice my shaking hands !)..and ‘whoosh’..the tooth out! ..ehhehe. Great feeling.

I have this habit of humming as I twist the tooth, the harder the extraction, the more I hum. Smtmes, I just hum away, with no particular melody or songs in mind, trying to lessen the tense and tiredness. It works, for me…and i think it helps to reduce patient's worries and anxiety. Smtmes, the patient would get too absorbed with my humming, that they would ask later ".. awak nyanyi lagu apa tadi? sy mcm pernah dengar lah..”.'( Pulakk ). As we all know, music is one of the non-pharmacological means to reduce stress and anxiety, that’s why some private clinics have a music background played softly during treatment time.

I also like to ask the patients after pulling their teeth out “ cik, nak tengok gigi?". Some would shake their head vehemently, not even glancing at the bloody teeth. Some would want their teeth back, so we'll clean it and put in gauze for them to bring back. It's the satisfaction, i think..thinking that ive succeeded to remove 'the culprit' that's causing problem and pain to a person.


Iskk.. i really miss my extraction class..=/

parenting skill

I witnessed an interesting scene the other day, and I think it’s important to share it in here with all of you. For future reference.

I was choosing between Guava juice or Blackcurrant juice in UDaOCean supermarket, taking my time as I scrutinized the nutrition facts, which is more delicious, which is more nutritious ( ..tak delah jauh beza pun, both contains VitC ..! ). And like alwys, I end up not buying any, so much for my healthy eating resolution!...

Then came a family of four, parents and their two kids, a daughter around 6-7 years old and her younger brother who was slumped in the trolley ( btw..i wonder how does it feels to be sitting in the supermarket trolley, among the vegetables, eggs and chicken.. ) Suddenly I heard the daughter kind of ‘merengek’ to her mother, wanting to buy one of the mouthwatering juices. And her mother’s respond stopped me mid-breath, stunned as I don’t believe ill be hearing words like that coming from a mother’s mouth.

“ duduk diam2lah..sepak karang!! ”

From the corner of my eyes, I tried to look at this mother-daughter pair. Ringan mulut nak menyebut “ hai cik kak, kalau mcm tu cara bercakap dgn anak, jgn pulak marah esok kalau anak akak bercakap dgn akak mcm tu”. Tapi tak cakaplah, karang tak pasal2 aku pulak yg kena ‘penyepak’ dia.

But seriously, is that how a mother speaks to her children..? Im sorry if I sound too aghast, but I never hear words like that, or anything near that, coming from my mother’s mouth. Aren’t mothers supposed to colour their children with positive and good things..only the beautiful rainbow colours. I can’t imagine, if this child growing up hearing all sorts of ‘ kata2 kasar’, what kind of person she would grow up to be ? I can’t remember what I was thinking at that moment, more like a mixture of feelings. I pity the child, disbelief with the 'cik kak', and grateful for having 'mama’ as my mother.

Why can't she answered it nicely..? If she couldn't buy the juice, explain to the daughter properly, without having to raise her voice or use harsh words. That innocent girl is only a child. Dont blame the kids becoming more and more ill-mannered, if that is how they are treated and the kind of example they learn from their parents. Recalling a Malay adage.." seperti ketam mengajar anaknya berjalan lurus". Susahlah nak train anak jalan lurus, kalau maknya jalan mengiring..

So..everyone, parents or parents to be, all future fathers and mothers..please, dont talk to our children with that kind of words. Bear in mind, that their first experience about life, about this world..are gained from their parents. What they witness during their childhood, the life and surrounding they grow up in.., will directly or indirectly mould and create the kind of adult they’ll grow up to be. The first six years are crucial…the period where children’s learning at its peak, like sponge soaking water. Teach them well, guide them and let them learn only the goodness of this world.

Yeah2..i know, Im not yet a mother myself ( insyaAllah, one day..=] ), dont really know, and never experience the troubles and hardship a mother has to face, but that is not a reason or excuse to treat the kids badly. Try putting ourselves in the kid’s shoes..try to recall those unpleasant memories ( if there’s any..) when we were the kid, being treated badly by parents or carers. Dont keep ‘forwarding’ bad things. Put a stop. Make a difference. Sure we can.


Haih..ni yg buat lagi membara2 nak buka tadika nih..,=[

pandangan belakang

Memandang belakang seseorang yg berjalan meninggalkan kita. Semakin menjauh. Semakin mengecil. Semakin hilang. Dan pandangan belakang ini menjadi gambaran terakhir kita tentangnya.

Tak tahu yang mana lebih perit. Menjadi orang yang berjalan pergi, atau menjadi orang yang ditinggalkan. Memandangkan aku berada di pihak yang 'ditinggalkan’, hanya memandang belakang orang yang pergi dan perlahan-lahan merasai kehilangannya. Isk.

Musim perpisahan. Waktu di mana sesuatu yang sebelum ini hanya perkara biasa menjadi sesuatu yang sangat bermakna. Kalau dulu tiada perasaan istimewa, tapi sekarang..rasa sayu dan hiba. Betullah kata orang “Kita hanya akan mengetahui nilai sesuatu itu, bila ia sudah tiada ”. Dan bila sampai saat berpisah, segala yang buruk hilang, yang dikenang hanya yang manis dan indah belaka. Yang terbayang di mata, waktu2 ketawa, masa berkumpul dan bercerita, wajah-wajah ceria yang menemani hari-hari semalam. Segala kisah yang tercipta bagai layar skrin yang diulang tayang. Yang menjadikan berpisah jadi lebih payah.

Hakikat kehidupan. Yang hidup pasti mati. Hari ni berjumpa, satu hari akan berpisah. Seberat mana pun menerima, atau betapa seksanya merasa, percayalah…rasa sedih, teringat2, terkenang2 ni, tidak akan lama. Masa akan mengubat, dan kehadiran orang-orang baru akan mengisi ruang, yang bakal mewarnakan hari2 esok kita. Pun begitu, yang mengganti pastinya tak sama dengan yang pergi. Begitulah dunia ni, manusia akan sentiasa datang dan pergi dalam hidup kita.

Namun, tiada salahnya menghayati waktu2 ‘kelabu perpisahan’ ini, dan mengakui akan perasaan yang tidak gembira melihat lambaian ‘selamat tinggal’ mereka. Bersedihlah, menangislah…tapi, jangan lama.

Terus memandang belakang orang yang melambai pergi, ingin merakam ‘kenangan’ terakhir ini sampai bila-bila.

Haihhh…=/


“Apabila kita melihat dengan hati yang tenang, perpisahan sebenarnya adalah satu perkara yang biasa berlaku di mana-mana..”

old patients

( this was written months ago..)

Today, as I sit waiting for my partner working on her patient’s denture,i chit-chatted with the patient who happens to be an old woman..( pangkat nenek pada aku, melihatkan dia..seriously..teringat kat arwah ‘mok’..). Looking at her from the side as she talked about her children, listening to her criticizing each child of hers as ‘malas belajar’..’tak jadi apa’ etc, I realized one thing..that this old nenek must be very lonely. Lonely enough that she talked to me like water pouring out from burst waterpipe, glad to have someone nodding and smiling to her words and stories.

I used to have an old, Indian patient who would tell me about the troubles in her life. As I work next to her, she would tell it all out, about her son who refuses to give her money, how she has to beg for money from her own children to buy things. How she lack affection and love from the ppl who's supposed to care for her the most. That is very sad. Plus that old Indian lady has got some heart problems too, not to mention her oral condition which is not good. She could go on and on talking about her life, and i would “uhuh..uhuh..” along the way, trying my best to catch her quite incomprehensible Malay language. But having someone who sit next to them and put an emphatic face, maybe that’s all what they need. Some attention.

Old patients alwys make me feel a little bit ‘blue’. Looking at them, so old, so fragile…wonder what they had went through their life. Old patients who would look at me with the look of a parent. They would wait patiently as we work on their dentures, and tried their best to pretend that the dentures are fine ( eventhough we know they’re fighting silently to keep the denture sit still in the mouth..). Old patients, who alwys make my eyes suddenly welled with tears, watching them walking out from clinic. ..

One thing about them, the ‘kata-kata nasihat’. Some are said in a joking way, some are more serious. About life, about ppl. Smtmes, they would lecture us about ‘finding a good husband’..in some cases, they would even tease to make us their ‘cucu menantu’..eheheh. But above all..i enjoyed treating them, the kind, warm..old patients. Their hand as they touch me when they talk ( u know, old ppl, they kind of like to ‘slap’ ur arm playfully ..)..and the encouraging look they gave us that says “ we trust u, u can do it ”. The thing that make me feel “ I wanna treat them the best that i could !”.

There’s a few things I learn as well :

1. Never let our old parents suffer lack of love and attention. No matter who we are or where we will be in the future. We might be living far away from them. It’s not the distance that matters, it’s the thought that counts. Call them often, talk to them..they really miss their children..( oh my god, im crying now…sob.)

2. Smtmes, all we need is a listener. We don’t want advice, we don’t need pep-talk..we just want to be listened.

3. Trust and faith in a person, are maybe the only thing that person needs, as a shove towards success.

4. Loneliness is a terrible thing. Yeah..smtmes, we do wish to be away from the hustle-bustle of life, and seek some place to be alone, that is different. But lonely in the sense that u have no one to talk to, no place to go and seek comfort, no shoulder to cry on..basically that’s what I mean..that’s terrible. Esp to old ppl, who have lost their spouses..( hmm..that must be one of the reason of their loneliness…) and that’s where our role as their children comes in. They have been there for us all our life, maybe then, it’s our turn to be there for them. They probably would say ".. mak okay, tak apa2…” atau “ ayah kuat lagi, takde mslh pun..” but being parents, they would never want to menyusahkan anak2..

4. And this is important I think for us, before it’s our time to be called 'warga emas’. Growing old is mandatory, that’s cycle of life. But let’s grow old gracefully and successfully, meanings that we don’t become a burden to the society, or our own family. Let us be a quality senior citizen, who still have a good life and enjoying each day tht comes. Have a hobby, any hobby. Be it gardening, reading or working on some project like ..buka kelas mengaji Quran ke, tadika ke things like tht..to fill our time. And maybe too we can go visit places around the world. After working hard all ur life..it’s the time to rest and enjoy the fruits of ur hardwork. Go for ur 2nd, 3rd or 4th honeymoon with ur spouse..( err..guys, i mean the one and only wife u ever got married to...ehheh.. ). Just the two of u. Spend time together, remisnicse all the good,old time. And the most important thing of all, it’s the time to be closer to God, in our final steps before we are called back to Him.

...insyaAllah..kalau diberi umur panjang, …

tentang dia

mendongak ke langit
jauh di hati terdetik
mungkinkah di hujung dunia sana
dia sedang memandang ke langit yang sama...?

apabila jiwa bergetar rasa
setiap ruang waktu bergema nama
dalam diam kadang tertanya
tentang aku, terfikirkah dia...

bila melihat rencah seloka dunia
kala terdengar lawak cerita jenaka
segala alkisah ragam manusia
yang berselisih di bahu tertangkap di mata
serentak minda bersuara
"ingin kuceritakan kepadanya.."

kisah silam ku buka
mimpi semalam kurungkai cerita
tentang impian, harapan mendatang
akan kukongsi semua
agar tiada dusta tiada rahsia
menerima segala seadanya

dan kini
bila memandang ke langit merenung bintang
pasti akan terkenang
tentang dia

- 1.00 pagi, 20 april 2006

pencetus kebaikan

Aku pernah tulis belum psl ni..? tak ingat…

Aku selalu percaya, antara tanda Tuhan sayang dan mahu kita sentiasa dlm jalan yg baik, Dia utuskan untuk kita ‘pencetus kebaikan’. Pencetus kebaikan….

Pencetus kebaikan ini boleh dtg dlm mcm-macam rupa. Mungkin dlm bentuk manusia di sekeliling kita, tempat kita berada…bende yg kita lihat..macam2, yg mana adanya benda-benda ni, apabila kita terpandang atau bersama dia, mencetuskan kebaikan dlm diri kita. Ini istilah yg aku bagi sendiri..ikutlah nak namakan apa pun, yg penting ‘bende2’ atau orang2 ini mendorong kita untuk buat perkara kebaikan.

Bila aku kenang2kan balik…rasa sgt bersyukur kerana sentiasa dikelilingi ‘pencetus kebaikan’ ini. Dari kecil sampai sekarang. Dari seorg budak nakal, Tuhan hantar aku ke sekolah agama. Dari seorg budak ‘hingusan’ yg tak tahu apa2, Tuhan aturkan pertemuan dgn org2 tertentu yg jadi ‘pemandu’ aku sehingga aku mampu berdiri sendiri. Org2 yg mana aku jadikan contoh, untuk menjadi muslimah yg lebih baik.

Begitu juga sekarang..aku sentiasa dikelilingi bi’ah atau suasana yg memelihara aku, dlm erti kata tidak ‘sesat’ mengharungi usia remaja. Allah kelilingi aku dgn kawan2 yg mana bersama mereka, aku belajar perkara2 baik. Melihat mereka, aku jd insaf, sedar diri bnyk kekurangan dan bersyukur atas apa yg ada pd aku yg Tuhan beri. Perkara-perkara yg datang dan berlaku dlm hidup juga, bila aku fikir2 balik..semuanya adalah ‘pencetus kebaikan’ untuk aku. Kadang-kadang ..bila aku terpandang sesuatu..dan perkara itu mewujudkan satu rasa yg damai dan membuatkan aku ingat pada Tuhan..itu juga adalah ‘pencetus kebaikan’.

Terima kasih Tuhan…, tak pernah sekali pun Engkau abaikan aku, tak pernah lepas aku dr pengawasan dan kasih sayang-MU. Aku shj yg selalu lupa.

" ..i perceived that God was always near, directing my life, creating the circumstances and opportunities to choose, yet always leaving the crucial choices to me. I was awestruck by the realization of the intimacy and love that reveals, not because we deserve it, but because it is always there and all we have to do is turn to Him to receive it. I cannot say with certainty what the meaning of that vision was, but I could not help seeing in it a sign, a favor, and a new chance.."
- Dr Jeffrey Lang, taken from islamonline.net.

thinking...

From 'Gubra's movie poster ..
" Why do we hurt the most ppl we love the most ..?"

And my version would be...
" Why do we disappoint the most ppl we want to impress the most..?"

Hmm...

Just some stuffs to fill my mind tonite.

be the first

I alwys have this curiosity in me, ( maybe that’s the reason for most of my pondering and thinking in here ), to find out the reason behind ppl’s character or behaviour. Why is she like that? Why men think this way? Why and how..basically , that’s among the w-h questions throughout my encounters with ppl in my life. Some are helpful product of thinking, which helped to resolve some issues, but some only manage to create silly ‘merepek’ theories in my mind..ehheh.

And I learn one thing…to ‘always be the first’. Let me tell u a story.

Back during my CBN days, me and my sisters would go home after school on the yellow school bus, along with the secondary students and the boys from St John school. And I remember that I would fill my baju kurung pocket with Hudson Sweet which I bought everyday at the school canteen, ( yg warna kuning tuh, Honey-lemon flavour ). 20 cents for 5 sweets, usually I bought 10 sweets..ehhe, and I would suck the sweets all the way home. (sheesh..who would have thought that I'll be doing dentistry now, looking at my history of ‘sweet-consumption’..).

One day, as usual, I was sitting in the school bus next to the window, happily sucking the candy. Sitting next to me was a secondary school student, a plump Malay girl with curly hair. I noticed her in the bus before, and I know her as the big sister who would give me a smile whenever our eyes met. So..on tht day, she happened to be sitting next to me. No conversation whatsoever, basically it’s like stranger sitting next to stranger, me with my sweets and her with whatever things on her mind.

The thing about me and this Hudson sweet, is that when the one in my mouth has melted, i would open a new one and continue eating. It was like nonstop, continuously sucking Hudson sweets until all that’s left in my pocket were the plastic wrappers or until my palate would shout in painful agony due to vigorous sweet sucking. As I looked outside the window, suddenly I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned. The Big Sister was looking at me with the smile and on her palm were two sweets, ( if im not mistaken, gula2 SUGUS oren )
“ Adik, gula-gula ?” politely, she offered me one of her candy. I dont really remember how or what was my facial expression, but I do remember taking the SUGUS gratefully ( totally forgetting my mom’s advice “ jgn ambil gula2 org yg kak tak kenal bagi !” ..) and put it in my pocket. ( sbb ms tuh, dlm mulut ade gula2 lagi..eheh). As I took one of the SUGUS from her hand, she opened the other and put it in her mouth. Then only it struck me. Ive been eating my Hudson sweets one after another, making noisy crunching sound every time I opened the plastic wrapper, and smtms I even made the irritating ‘schsuk-cshuk’ sound as I suck the sweet, not to mention the ‘kruk-kruk’ sound as I crack it with my teeth…and not even once I consider to offer her one of my 10 Hudsons !

She was a nobody, just someone I met in the bus on my way home. She might have noticed me on the bus, as I alwys tried to catch her eyes to get ‘the smile’ of hers. Maybe she offered me the SUGUS bcos she thought tht I must really like sweet looking at my endless sweet sucking. Or maybe she did it out of politeness. But, that small act of kindness taught me sthg I remember till now. About generosity, about being considerate and polite. To ppl younger than u who has no significant importance to ur life. Even to strangers. She taught me to be the first to do act of kindness, no matter how small that action is, it might mean the world to others. Because from tht small kindness, it can extends to many, many other good things. Friendship created, smiles shared, happiness expanded…basically..that’s how it is. Just by being the first to do kind things to others.

I still remember her, the warm face who would smile at me. I really am grateful, and I still practise what she taught me. In many kind of ways. Be the first to smile to other ppl. And be the first to say hello to the quiet, snobbish-looking neighbour who actually is a very nice person once u get to know them. Maybe they just dont know how to break the ice. And now, whenever I have extra sweets with me ( yeah..i still eat sweets smtmes.. )..i would try to remember the feeling the ‘big sister’ instilled in me when she offered me her sweet and ill do the same to the person sitting next to me in the bus. At least, I make the person next to me happy,..just the way the BigSister made me feel. All by one small act of kindness..

So..ppl, spread the kindness. The world has become too harsh and cruel, let our small deeds bit by bit make this world a better place…