08 February 2006

the tittle? ,,dunno-lah,

Know why ‘surprises’ can make us so happy that smtmes tears welled between smiles ? Because it is unexpected. We don’t expect it coming, and suddenly ‘the surprised thing’ is handed before our eyes, and we went…speechless. Unable to say a word due to shocked, happiness and touched. The feeling of joy is different because we don’t expect to get it, like a hidden gift from God, it falls straight into our lap. .

It’s different when we know that we will get the thing or when we asked for it. The feeling of happiness is there alright, but…different. How to say it…hmm…like opening the door one morning and found a small parcel hanging at the doorknob. It’s not ur birthday, or anniversary, or any special occasion which u know u’ll be getting sthg today and silently anticipating a gift coming urself ( eventhough we usually modestly voiced out “ tak pyhlah, buat susah2 je..”, but secretly , we actually do hope for sthg. Because it’s our birthday, or a special day of ours..hehe), but that small gift hanging at the doorknob able to create extreme happiness. Beyond words. Because it is unexpected.

And it hurts when u expected sthg, and it didn’t happen. Or when ur colleagues at workplace keep flattering u by saying that the post of asst manager is ‘confirmed’ in ur hand due to..blabla..( words of praises that make u beamed proudly like tomato ), and suddenly ur boss gave it to someone else. It hurts even more, like hurt-plus-embarrased-plus-upset, but u have to keep a happy face and smiling along, congratulating the new ‘asst manager’. Not because u are angry that u didn’t get the post, or mad at the new ‘asst manager’ or whatever, but because u already kind of thinking that u’ll get it, because of the expectations blabbed to ur ears by ppl around u.

Like what ‘Cinta’ felt, in a scene from ‘Ada Apa Dengan CInta’, when she was the one expected to bagged the prize in the poetry competition. Her name was chanted by the crowds, she was already happily and shyly smiling and enjoying the cheers, and then, ‘Rangga’ name was announced as the winner. (Fuuh..i really understand the feeling now). At that moment, u don’t know whether u are sad because u didn’t win, or angry to the ppl who‘ve been flattering u with expectations of winning and making u kind of hope to win, or embarrassed because u was the one ppl said would win and yet u lose. Do u get my point? Nevermind…

What Im trying to say is that, don’t flatter me by praises or words of expectations like ill be the one bringing back the prize or ill be the one crowned as the beauty queen or ill be the one chosen as the best singer etc2. And keep teasing playfully to my ears statements like." Eleh, ull win punya, .” or "okay2..siap sedia nak gi ambil hadiah..” .I don’t know, their intentions is harmless, but it gives the pressure, and the embarrasment and the frustration boiling in me when I didn’t get or win all those things they said ill do. And if they think I like being praised and hearing them ‘flattering’ me like that, no, I don’t. I don’t like it one bit. I hated it. It makes me too hopeful, overly confident, happily anticipating and expecting to win. And when I didn’t, I hate the feeling I would feel after it.

let life be the way it is, unexpected...like it better tht way.

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