puncak kesakitan

Semasa aku sekolah rendah dulu, aku pernah baca satu novel Indonesia ni. Sbb aku sgt tertarik tgk tajuk buku tu… ‘ Jangan Ambil Nyawaku ’.

Buku tu mmg tebal, dan penulisnya adalah seorang wanita Indonesia bernama Titie Said. Buku tu rasanya hasil tulisan tahun 1960 -1970-an, kerana kertas stail kertas lama. Dan apa yg aku dpt adalah satu perjalanan cerita yg aku ingat sampai sekarang. Mungkin sukar jugak utk betul2 memahami masa tu , sbb mmg bahasa Indon, tapi..alhamdulillah..i managed to accomplish it.

Buku ni mengisahkan tentang seorang wanita yg menghidap kanser. Tahu tak satu drpd ciri malignant cancer, ialah it metastasize to other part of ur body. Maksudnya, let say it was first detected in cervix, it will spread to other sites like breast, lung, liver, intestines, whether through the lymphatics or the blood according to the type of cancer. But this process takdelah dlm seminggu, it might take months, or years for it to be disseminated throughout the body, but one thing yg sgt frustrating about malignancy, is its rapid spread. Like the main protagonist dlm novel ni, cancer dia was detected masa dia keguguran anak ketiga, it was a cervix cancer, and it was removed. Lega sekejap, tak lama lps tu, di breast kiri, removed. Lps tu breast kanan, removed. Dlm usia sementah tu, sikit2 aku dpt memahami perasaan wanita ni, rasa gembira dan lega kerana ingat kita dh betul2 sembuh dr ‘penyakit membunuh’ nih, but suddenly called by the doctor telling us that the cancer was found again.

Later on, the cancer spread to lung, and at the end of the story dah ke usus. Yg menariknya ttg buku ni, it tells the story of survival, fight and determination of a woman who wants to live. She has to go through all sorts of medication, chemotherapy which ended her being bald, skinny, lifeless and ugly. How the hospital became her second home, she made friends from the nurses, doctors sehinggalah ke pesakit2 lain. Dia dh lali dgn kematian yg saban hari dia hadap di sekeliling dia. But she hang on, she held her head up and refused to accept that that’s how she will end up one day. She keep repeating to herself that dia nak tengok anak2 dia mendewasa, berkahwin dan punya anak sendiri. Dia masih bnyk bende yg dia nak buat dlm hidup dia. Dan dia masih belum puas menikmati kasih sayang suami dia. And lucky for her, she has a loyal, loving husband who fights with her along the way.

Tapi that’s not what I want to share in here today. Aku masih ingat macamana wanita ni menceritakan seksa dan penderitaan setiap kali dia menjalani rawatan chemotherapy ( mungkin masa tu tak semaju sekarang, jd setiap drip ubat yg masuk adalah ibarat kiamat bg dia ). She nearly gave up, sehinggalah one day, dia mendapat satu cara untuk mengatasi penyeksaan melalui rawatan itu. She termed it as ‘puncak kesakitan’. How she do this, ..masa ubat melalui darah dan memasuki badan dia, dia membayangkan perkara yg indah2 dan hebat2. Ketika perutnya diasak gejolak utk muntah, dia bayangkan itu adalah perasaan melilit kain di pinggang untuk menghadiri majlis keramaian. Ketika rasa panas dan menggelegak menguasai, dia pejamkan mata dan bayangkan dia sedang menikmati kegembiraan percutian bersama keluarga dia sesuatu tpt (she named the particular place, tp dh lupa lah..). She closed her eyes, she really pictured it happening, and let imagination of beautiful things filled her minds and heart, sehinggalah apabila dia buka mata, rawatan tu dh pun selesai. And she didn’t feel a thing. The writer described it so immaculately amazing sehingga aku rasa..wow!

One thing I learnt from that book, is that term. Menikmati puncak kesakitan sehingga kita tak terasa sakit lagi. Kehebatan imaginasi dan impian indah, dapat mengatasi penderitaan dan seksa yg dirasai. Keinginan yg tinggi untuk terus hidup, even when the odds are against you, will keep u living. It doesnt matter for how long, or how much time u have left, it’s how u live that matters. Kasih sayang dan sokongan penuh dr orang paling hampir dlm hidup kita mampu untuk jadikan the worst days in our life more bearable. Keyakinan dan kepercayaan yg mendalam, bahawa esok masih ada untuk dia, esok dia akan jumpa anak2 dia, esok dia akan bergurau lagi dgn suami dia…enable her to open her eyes the next morning and she’s ready for another fight.

Im not going to tell you her final destination in the novel, because it’s her journey and pathways to it that’s much more interesting to be remembered.