pondering alone...

Dalam wanita aku, ada ‘lelaki’nya.
Dalam kasar aku, ada lembutnya.
Dalam tikus aku, ada singanya.
Dalam manis aku, ada bengisnya.
Dalam riuh tawa ku, wujud simpatinya.
Yang menjadikan aku lebih manusia…

Dalam tegas aku, ada lemahnya.
Dalam yakin aku, ada was-wasnya.
Dalam ingin aku, ada ragu-ragu.
Dalam mahu aku, ada malu.
Dalam percaya aku, terselit curiga
Agar aku lebih waspada…
Berjalan di dunia..

Dari luaran, hanya lahiriah mampu dipandang
Dari sinar mata, mampukah dibaca semua…
Dari tutur kata, seiringkah dengan suara jiwa..
Dari gerak geri, bolehkah ditelah isi hati..

Penilaian manusia yang dangkal, hanya mampu sejangkau akal.
Pemerhatian hamba yang terbatas, kerapkali kebenaran tewas.
Keupayaan kita yang singkat, layakkah kita mengaku hebat?

Meneka dan menduga, mengagak dan mencongak,
Cuba mentafsir dari mata dan telinga,
Antara nyata dan pura-pura,
Bisakah dibeza..

Lantas,,..
Untuk mengenali, maka harus dirapati
Untuk mengetahui, maka mesti diselidiki,
Untuk mencintai terlebih dahulu perlu difahami..

- scribbling inner thoughts in my room…

a bad sailor

im not good a friend.
never really good in friendship..=/

or is it im refraining myself from being too close to anyone..? Be it a female friend, more else a male friend..i find it hard to really give myself and allow friendship to sail smoothly on its own..i always tend to pad the wave so that it will land me safely ..scared ill be drifted somewhere unfamiliar, or ive chosen a wrong sailor to sail along in this 'ship of friends'...

ive got to learn to let loose myself a bit, rather than thinking too much over things, scared unnecessarily .. that usually resulted with me..back to the same spot ive been for the last 22 yrs. Let go of fear, and enjoy life ..cos life is short.
Beat the 'fear of the unknown' and face the risks upon me boldly.

Sheesh..saying is always easier...=/

leaving scar forever..so that ill remember!!!!

I just couldn’t get it out from my head.

“..awak ni nampak pandai, tapi bila menjawab soalan, terus jadi tak pandai..” – prof g

BEDUSSHHHHH !
Betullah kata org, words are the sharpest weapon, the effect of it lasts longer, and deeper..ouchh!

Im in my room, since there’s no internet connection available, I did like what I usually do, type it in here, and later paste it in my blog. I just need to write it out, to keep me sane.

Kelas MOS ( minor oral surgery ) is one of my favourite class, interesting it is, undoubtedly. TAdi kelas MOS lah, that resulted with me, thinking about the words spoken to me directly in front of my face. What’s wrong with me? Why cant I get the answer out smoothly from my mouth..? Why I always end up making a fool out of myself, blurting out answers like a stupid 3 yrs old instead of 23?!..Am I really like that, ‘nampak aje pandai, tapi bila menjawab..?”..Arrghhh! I don’t want to be like Bridget Jones!!!!

And to make me feel worse, is that ..i know the answers!! What’s limiting me from voicing it out was my inconfidence, scared and afraid that it might be a wrong answer.. I’d rather smile sheepishly, and pretended to think hard, while he looked long at me, waiting. And when he gave up waiting , he answered it himself, and the answer was just like what I thought it would be, in my head, but not saying it out. Nazzz. …must I always be like this ?

Okay ..correction…. Im not like this at all time, but ..when this kind of situation occurred to me, I just get so frustrated about myself ..

And this prof..the way he looked at me, challenging me with his eyes, looked at me straight in the face.. as if waiting for me to impress him, with intellectually, brilliant answers. And what did I do?! Impress him I did, with my foolish answers!

“ cara kita menjawab, biar sampai orang yang menyoal rasa gerun ..u don’t have to know lots of things, but it’s the way you answer..project how good u are ..”

“ when describing pictures..be descriptive. Look at it generally, and then to the specific parts, and then only to the more specific ..”

Come on, naz..u are not stupid, bear that in mind. U know the answers, it just that u have to be more confident. I have to study harder, be more serious and focused, and disciplined…if I want to be good, damn good. It’s not because I want to impress my profs, or friends..it’s because I know im good, and I can be better. Where’s the tough-rock-hard girl in you back in school.. remember what kakak said..” we are not the mediocre, we are among the best!!..” (..she’s a real motivator..the next Anthony Robbins plus Robert Kiyosaki she is!)

I was born with wings, why prefer to crawl through life?

dr mashita : soo..what is the molar relationship on the left?
me : ..ermm..i think it's CLass III molar relationship, doctor.
dr mashita : ( looked at me with 'that' look, the look ull get when u give the wrong answer..) Are u sure it's Class III ?
me: (..ehh..bukan ke..?!)..ermm.. yeah, ..i think it is...( my confidence plummeted to the floor..aiyoo!)
dr mashita : What is the definition of CLass III molar relationship ? ( eyeing me seriously..)
me : ( managed to answer in one full sentence , glancing a few times to the innocent patient sitting )
dr mashita : ok..look again in the mouth, are u sure it's CLass III ? ( come on-lah..ive given u enough hints !)
me : ( stammering for the zillionth times )..ermm..i still think it is..
dr mashita : ( ok, enough chances given)..ok then..let's move to the next..
me : ( im dead! = / )..

huwaaa..it's not Class III! It's CLass I , la cik naz ooiiii! ( running out from clinic to check the answer in books )..

but..hehehe, it was fun! never know exams can be this fun..=D ( but it'll be more fun if i get that one question right!)

infidelity among women..?

today's topic discussion in radio ERA this morning. As i was getting dressed for class, i found myself listening words by words the conversation spoken by the deejays and the callers. MY..my..my....

frankly, i had to admit, stunned and shocked by certain revelations from the callers. But their bravery to opening up their stories for the benefits of others deserved a respect, if it's not because of them, i wouldnt have known the reality of todays world...( and i think im not the only one..). One of them, said that she just couldnt live with only one guy in his life..( huh?) and was cheating behind her husband since 8 yrs ago. Some of them claimed that they do all these ( having affairs with other men ) as a way to pay back, revenge or whatever it is called ..because their husband are also philandering behind their back. A few also said that, majority of the infidelity cases that involves women occurs in KL..( why every bad things must be blamed on KL? Pity my KL...=/).

One of the guy who called, blamed the technology nowadays, with the Internet chatting, SMSing day and night..all these resulted with women having more access to the men out there..and finaly he admitted, those were the reasons for the breaking up of his marriage( sorry for him)...But seriously, aren't women known for their loyalty..? Cherishing and loving their husband with all their heart..? Aren't women known for all that good qualities?..

i cant express much about this, as i never really been in a serious relationship with any guy, (more else married! )..but, if this is the trend in today's world, our morality and ethics values need to be viewed all over again. Tinggi pelajaran, bergaji besar, tapi fundamental thing as human macam 'menjaga diri dan maruah ' tak ada, pada aku tiada nilainya perempuan tu. MAaflah bunyi kasar, tapi kadang2 kita kena berkasar utk sesetgh benda.

dalam hal ni, bukan perempuan shj should be blamed, as some of them stated above," kalau bukan suami mereka curang, mereka takkan buat begitu". Yeah..i have to say, some guys are just not worth our loyalty. But listen to this piece of advice from me, for that kind of husband, yg nak kita junjung dan hormat dia sbg lelaki dan suami, tapi dia sendiri gagal menjadi lelaki yg selayaknya dihormati..jgn rendahkan diri kita dan cemarkan maruah kita membalas perlakuan mereka dengan berlaku curang jugak, kita jauh lebih baik dr itu. Daripada dpt dosa kering dan dipandang hina org, kita tak menang apa2 pun..there are other brilliant ways to treat men like that.

fuuh..tiba2 terasa hangat plak bilik beraircond nih..=]. Emosi plak ckp psl nih.Whatever it is, ..pegangan agama itu lah tunjangnya. Hebat mana pun kita, atau miskin kedana ..kalau kita ni sentiasa ingat Tuhan, ingat amanah sebagai suami dan isteri, sedar hakikat kewujudan kita kat dunia nih..insyaAllah, takkan jauh kita kesasar. Seperti pendapat seorg pemanggil pg td, "..perkara2 mcm ni berlaku sekarang, kerana institusi kekeluargaan kita dh rosak dan goyah, ramai yg takde bekalan agama yg cukup.."

work to make your marriage works. Work to be a good spouse and partner . And most of all..pesan mak .." kalau kita inginkan org yg baik, kita kena jadi org yg baik dulu.."

got it!

i got it, finally ..catching the song being played in RMKL..heheh..here it is..

" aku bukan aku

yang pernah kau kenal dulu

engkau bukan engkau

yang pernah memukau

di hadapan kita

dua insan berbeza

yg mencari-cari

arahnya sendiri

suara senada

seia sekata

tiba saatnya

bercanggah jua

kita yg bersifat padu

berubah dengan waktu

kau dan keakuanmu

mencabar kesabaranku

kemana kelembutan

bicara yang bersopan

diriku dikasarkan

oleh pengalaman

andainya berjauhan

rahmatnya kedamaian

biar kau pergi

biar ku di sini"

tata..!=D

hand me the tissue, please..

when laziness is overwhelming, and it's only a month away from ur biggest exams..!Come on, justme...must it always be at the last crucial minutes..?!

Talking about uncontrolled or involuntary actions from ur body or mind..( it is uncontrolled, i wanted to flip thru books, but instead , i reached the remote control..=/).Today, another bizzare incident that has sthg to do with tears. I dunno what's wrong with my lacrimal gland , smtmes it tends to be over-activated for no important or spesific reasons. It just welled up,..and rolled down my cheeks. Today, i found myself wiping away tears as i read the news about four siblings who died instantly in a car crash somewhere in Gerik ( may their souls rest in peace, Al -Fatihah ).Guess i was just again, putting myself in the victim's shoes, as i can feel the sorrow, and understand the trauma and lost faced by the father and mother. Things like this happenned all the time to me, suddenly in tears when reading or watching devastating news, esp lost family members.But peculiarly today, i became overly sensitive while watching a re-run of American IDol ,where one of its contestants, Jasmine Trias was asked to leave. Weird, weird..perhaps i too, can feel the pain, being asked to leave after all the hard works and hopes..and also being so near to the finale, so near of reaching ur dreams. Justme..get a grip!

I was not like this when i was a kid. I was not this 'cengeng'. I used to be the tough one,compared to my elder sister, and i was pretty proud of it. I was confused when she cried at our kindergarten days. I was dubious when she again, cried when our van driver got lost one day while driving us home and i end up comforting my big sister. Where did the tough girl gone? Today, my tears are very cheap. Dunno what happenned to them, easily stimulated over small stuffs. Like other ppl's happiness or lost, death of siblings or parents. That's my weakest point. Smtmes, i had to hold myself from breaking into tears while listening to my parents words, their stories..i was just touched, in a way i cant explain.Funny huh..?And oh yeah.. i too, sobbed while watching King Munfasa died when protecting his son ( or should i say cub..?) in Lion King.Gladly enough, i never shed a tear watching movies where the lovers die or separated etc..it just doesn't trigger anything in me.Yet.

But whatever it is, im grateful, at least i have tears!..Hahah...No-lah, im grateful with the fact that im granted with emotions,and that makes me human. Looking at the world around me,emphatising their sadness and sharing their laughter,and simply understanding the reason behind it all..

obssesed with teeth

what is the first thing u noticed when talking face to face with a person? Some ppl says , it's the person's eyes..as eye contact is important in communicating . Perhaps that's how the term.." dari mata turun ke hati " comes from. Or maybe the person's smile, as one's smile lights up his/her face. Heheh..a prominent zit or pimple might attract some attention..( but dont look at people's pimples..it hurts more than the pimple itself..).

Heh..but the first thing that caught the dental students' eyes..obviously, is the person's teeth. Now, before anyone rolled their eyes , or think bad about us..i feel obliged to stress here, that..we dont mean to do that on purpose. Seriously, it just happens that when talking to anyone, automatically, my eyes will glance subtly to the person's mouth, catching a sight of their teeth. Again i said, i dont mean that. A few of my friends quoted saying..." risau bercakap dgn dentist nih, mata tgk gigi je..".Sheesh..that bad huh?

I dont stare at ppl's mouth,mind you..it just that the routine since the last 4 yrs studying and observing teeth makes my eyes grew accustomed to it..heheh, drawn to inspect the teeth. And smtmes, after noting the condition of the teeth, simultaneously my mind started working.." uh huh, that's a beautiful pair of teeth..." or.."..u-oh..a sweet smile with caries at the front teeth!" or maybe.." now, what kind of malocclusion is this..? Class II div II?".

Among ourselves, dental students, we look at each other's teeth, and learnt from those. Some of them have great cases in their mouth, so they became a good model for our learning. Smtmes, they can even stop us mid-sentence to comment on sthg at our teeth ( and personally ,, i really hate this,..becoming a subject of teeth discussion, when im excitedly talking about sthg else..) The common words from them are.."...ehh..ehh..jap2, cuba sengih kejap.." ( grrr..not again) or "..eh..gigi *** ni, class brp ehh..".

whatever it is..a person's teeth can tell sthg about that person, eg his attitude towards hygiene and overall health, but judging teeth is not to be used as a tool in measuring someone, whether he's nice or bad..etc. And surely not a way to assess who's good enough to be called a friend. It is an advantage to befriended lots of ppl from different fields and variety ways of life. Be friend with the pilot, make friends with the cleaner, be nice to a dentist ( heheh..who knows , ull get free dental check up..huh?), say hello to the old man watering the plants around school area. Be glad and grateful that u are blessed with so many friends and acquantainces.

tata..my sister dh buat muka seposen, signalling indirectly that she wants to use the comp..( huh..nak 'date' dgn abg zul la tuh..). Oklah, bg jalanlah..till later bye2!

keeping love alive

hi..it's me again, of courselah..who else rite? =p..

haa..today, i wanna share another piece of writings ive read in readest digest some time ago,..( i copied it down in my writing journal..very valuable knowledge for future reference..hehe). I really hope that among my blog readers are someone's wifes or husbands, as they will benefit more on this. Apa2pun..insyAllah, one day, we will play that role jugak in the future,so everyone might as well read this ,and bear it in mind. Kalau rs mcm akan lupa..sila lah buat mcm saya, copy it down..heheh =p so..here it is..

SEVEN WAYS TO KEEP THE LOVE ALIVE ;] ( taken from readest digest)

1. remember that to love someone is to wish them the best; always wish the best for each other.- loving someone doesn't only mean showering her/him with mushy romantic words and gifts, or whatever other things loving couples do, but also to lift their spirit up when their down , help each other to achieve their dreams ..and pray for one another.
2. dont forget that you are IN LOVE. Kiss her in lifts, hold her hand at the movies. Tell her she's beautiful. Tell her again. - ermm..for muslims, this refers to the married couples ya.=] . The problem with malaysian ppl is that we dont express love often enough, more else in public..or..maybe only in the first few months of marriage, after 10 yrs together, mulalah seorg berjln depan seorg berjln blkg. Come one, we can be the first to make the difference, aiyaa..ur husband or wife is legally yours!..
3.Dont speak ill of her family or friends, even the ones you dont like.- this is important but usually forgotten. There's a saying that says.." bila kita berkahwin dgn seseorg tu, kita berkahwin sekali dgn keluarga dia.." Once u stepped into this new big family of ur spouse, learn to be humble and tolerant, and respect them the way u do to ur own family members.
4. Listen to each other. When you're wrong, say you're sorry. When you're right, hush up.- well, i know it's not easy for the men to say 'sorry', but smtmes a simple sentence like' im sorry', would leave such a meaningful impact for the women. And to the ever-talkative women, when your point is proven right while debating over an issue, dont put a smug face and says " i told u so". Just shut up!
5. Never embarass or correct one another in public; try not to in private either.- ermm...learn the art of criticizing..( well, surely not like the way Simon Cowell commenting in AmericanIDol ). It's a real no-no in public , but in private when there's only the two of you, start with praises and compliments, and slowly touch the subject. Well, we dont really have to do it thru words or verbally..try to think of a way to show it thru actions..( as some ppl says words cut deeper wounds ). Whatever it is, no sarcasm, jgn perli2 atau sindir2..and dont act 'mcm kita aje yg betul'.
6. Dont yell unless the house is on fire; whispers while arguing.- haa..this is , too, important. I dont know how actually a husbands-and -wifes arguments, as i never really see it between my parents, but judging from what showing in tvs',it can be quite bad. Ermm..fire can never be faced with fire. So if the husband is burning in the flame of anger, the wife has to act as the water, and the same goes when the wife is the one bursting with frustrations ( esp during those few days in each months..nasib baiklah kuasa cerai bukan kat tgn prpmn!). Find an appropriate time when both parties are more relaxed and ready to discuss it rationally.Dont shout or throw things to the wall..malu lah kat anak2 =/
7. On the days you dont like each other, remember that you love each other.=] - heheh, i really like this one. Yup, this is definitely true. As human, with unpredictable emotions at certain phase in our lifes, there will be times when just a sight of ur spouse will make u feel annoyed or u become irritated over small things that smtmes has nothing to do with him/her. At this moments, try to keep a certain distance, as 'absence may make the heart grew fonder'..( but not too far a distance until he or she feel neglected!). Give each other space , respect his/her need to be alone and let her/him know ull be there once needed. Bear in mind, this is the person ive chosed to spend the rest of my life with, to grow old together..and i really love him/her..at all times.

well..may ur relationships and marriage grow stronger with each passing year. And pray for me too ya..=]

" we come to love not by knowing a perfect person, but by learning an imperfect person perfectly.."- Shakespeare

eyeing the forbidden fruit

copied this from an article in Berita Harian...hope we can learn from this..

WASIAT NABI ADAM :

1. Jika kamu hendak berbuat sesuatu, tapi hati kamu gelisah kerananya, maka janganlah kamu perbuat kerana aku sewaktu akan makan buah larangan di syurga, hati aku telah bergoncang dan gelisah.

2. Jika kamu hendak mengerjakan sesuatu, lihatlah kesudahan dari perbuatan itu kerana kalau aku melihat atau memikirkan tentang akibat daripada makan buah larangan tersebut, tentu aku tidak akan makan.

3.Jika hendak melakukan sesuatu perkara maka berundinglah dengan orang-orang tertentu kerana kalau aku dahulunya berunding dengan malaikat, tentu diberitahu kepadaku supaya jangan memakan buah terlarang...

hmm..no matter how tempting the forbidden fruit is, ..it's just not worth it..

.."when you carry out acts of kindness, you get a wonderful feeling inside. It is as though something inside your body respons and says," yes, this is how i ought to feel.."- Harold Kushner

only 5 minutes

repeatedly saying to myself, .." okay justme, ONLY 5 minutes..".. Have a tendency to plan for 5-10 minutes of writing in here and end up half and hour.

Today started well, alhamdulillah, early at 8 am, i had an ortho presentation where im among the presenters. Alhamdulillah, it went quite well, and secretly im kinda happy when Dr Alizae recognised me, calling out my full name ( it's kind of hard for lecturers to remember their students names, and if they do, it's enough to make the students' day!). We used babies pictures as the animation and backgrounds of the slaids..( u can never go wrong with childrens..thanks to Robiah and Raja for preparing it..). .all over, it was fun!=D

but later in the evening, im going to face a serious trouble, as again, i have no patients for paediatric clinic. Me and my partner, both of us, will be doomed when we walk in the clinic with no patients along with us. A word of encouragement...."..And this too..shall pass.." .Yeah rite, im very much comforted now..thank you.

Last weekend, there's a seminar held about the future plan after undergraduate for dental students. It was a marvellous experience, getting a chance to listen to 3 different version of stories, from a specialist in Ministry of Health, from Angkatan Tentera Malaysia, a spokeperson from private clinic and also from a doctor joining the academic staffs. Good for early thinking and planning. Well, justme, better start looking ahead, picture yourself in the next 2-3 years . When the dream of pursuing my postgrad study abroad is still burning...

okaylah..need to prepare my treatment plan for Naqib, my ortho patient and find a way to get a 'bidan terjun' paeds patient. If only miracles do happens.." ..oo..please, let any child appear from thin air, and be my patient for this evening..".

pursuing love..

Mama pernah cakap begini “..kalau dia betul2 nakkan kita, dia akan berusaha …”. Ringkas kata2 mama, tapi mendalam maksud dia. Masa tu kat dapur, aku ni mana ade rahsia dgn mama, semuanya mama tahu, tak sangka pulak omongan kosong aku dgnnya hari tu, membuatkan aku sentiasa terfikirkan kata2 ni.

Benarkah begitu? Jadi, kalau si lelaki hanya diam membisu tanpa reaksi , maksudnya dia tidak bersungguh hendakkan si perempuan ? Pada mama, kumbang yg harus terbang ke arah bunga, dambakan madunya, bukan sebaliknya. Sumbang barangkali di mata mama, jika bunga yang terhegeh2 mahukan perhatian kumbang. Cela kah di mata generasi mama andai si dara yang terlebih dahulu menghulur tangan ?

Tapi pandangan kakak aku beza pula, ..menurut kakak, zaman sekarang, zaman globalisasi, zaman semua org bergerak pantas dan saling bersaing, kalau masih berfikiran lelaki yang harus mulakan dulu, alamatnya di takuk itu tak majulah kita. Dunia hari ini bukan lagi seperti zaman dulu, yang mana perempuan hanya menerima apa yg diberi dan akur mengangguk, hari ni perempuan terpelajar tinggi, luas pergaulan, tajam pandangan lantas menjadikan kita punya pilihan yang banyak. Jika dahulu frasa paling popular ialah “ perempuan, belajar tinggi mana pun, balik ceruk dapur jugak.”, tapi kini…perempuan dan lelaki sama hebat dan sama naik. Dapur, dapur juga, anak, anak juga..tapi bukan sekadar di situ sahaja peranan wanita hari ni, itu yg pasti.

Hmm...walau aku akui kebenaran kata2 kakak,..( and by the way, ayah aku pun bersetuju dgn kakak, now who's in the older generation nih, aku ke ayah..?!) dlm masa yg sama, aku juga kena akui yg dlm hal ni, aku agak kolot dan konservatif. Teringat plak lagu Ruffedge.. "...kita lakukan dgn cara yg lama.."..=]. Any comments on this , dear readers..?

Well..i rather keep my mouth shut. Let time tell...

Belum tersurat dalam hikayat,
Ayam keluar mencari musang,
Belum tersirat di dalam adat,
Bunga keluar mencari kumbang.
- lagu Siti Nurhaliza, one of my favourite..

life's like that

patient tak dtg..nak marah atau tensen, dah tak berkudrat dh..baik dtg menaip dlm ni..

kepala masih terasa sakit, dr mlm semalam, ingatkan sbb tidur tak menentu, tapi bgn paginya masih lagi pening2..kdg2 teringin jugak utk buat mcm sesetgh org yg menetapkan scr rutin waktu2 bgn dan tidur, meanings..tidur mesti pukul 12, bgn mesti pukul 5, sdgkan aku pulak ,ikut suka, ikut rasa, kiranya biological rhythm aku ni mcmana ye..

final exam yr 4 aku lagi sebulan lebih..issk, dh sgt tak lama rsnya, bak kata seorg prof aku, tolak2 tidur, mandi, makan, berjln..dll..tinggal dua hari je. Ngeri jugak kalau difikirkan begitu..=/. LPs tu, bulan 5 nanti , bergelar pelajar tahun akhirlah aku. Dh nak final yr..sungguh dunia ni semakin cepat putaran waktunya. Macam baru smlm, aku terhegeh2 mengheret beg sewaktu pendaftaran pelajar tahun pertama ..tiba2 dh pun di penghujung tahun empat. Hmmm...Dah bersedia ke aku utk berkhidmat dan mengaplikasikan ilmu aku ni kepada masyarakat?

Kdg2aku terfikir, perjalanan hidup aku ni, alangkah begini. Kebanyakannya yg terjadi, aku tak pernah terlintas lansung, dan kebanyakan bende yg aku angan2kan akan berlaku, tidak menjadi kenyataan. Seperti semasa aku menerima panggilan telefon dr kerani sekolah rendah, di akhir thn 1994, memaklumkan yg aku mendapat tawaran ke sekolah berasrama penuh di Negeri Sembilan. Lansung aku tak pernah terfikir akan bermukim di sana 5 thn. Yg ada dlm angan2 aku pd masa itu, ialah menyambung pengajian menengah di sekolah kakak aku.

begitu jugak dgn kehidupan aku sbg pelajar pergigian hari ni. Jika aku imbas kembali,sewaktu ditanya tentang cita2, atau sewaktu menulis maklumat diri dlm borang peribadi di sekolah, bende yg sama aku tulis,' cikgu, pensyarah,penulis,peguam, doktor'. Doktor gigi? Tak pernah terfikir di kepala aku . Rupanya lain perancangan Tuhan utk aku. Menerima sesuatu yg pada aku asing, yg aku tidak punya sebarang perasaan apatah lagi passion yg mendalam terhadapnya, aku tak rasa apa2. Namun alhamdulillah, ..sungguh, tiada yg lebih baik dr ini utk aku. Benarlah seperti maksud Al-quran.." Manusia merancang, Allah juga merancang, dan sesungguhnya Allah lah sebaik2 dan sesempurna perancang..".

rupanya beginilah hidup ni, ketidakpastian ttg apa yg akan berlaku esok, menjadikan manusia berusaha, berdoa dan bergantung pengharapan kepada Tuhan. Bersangka baik dgn Tuhan, ..di samping redha dan syukur dengan setiap kurniaan-Nya.. kerana percaya , Tuhan Maha Segala2nya, hanya Dia yg Maha Mengetahui apa yg terbaik utk hamba ciptaan-Nya ini.

tired...=/

just out from clinic..so tired, and hungry..but, my feet brought me here, instead of walking directly to surau to lie down while waiting for zohor..

i called 2 patients this morning, hoping that i could impress myself by treating two pts instead of one. Oklah..justme, u tried ur best, and i know i can do better next time. Still hesitating to start treating endo cases ( ermm.. endo cases means root canal treatment..). The first step is the hardest. Scared of sthg that's so unfamiliar to us. Like the first few steps from a toddler, keep falling down..cried out loud, but try standing again, again..and alas, succeeded. Have to learn more from the the world around me..instead of being scared and afraid, wasting my time seeking safety and security in every aspect of life.

i want to write more, wish to spend the whole day writing..but there's tons of other things to do. My left thumb still throbbed slightly, and i had to bandaged it while treating patient , to avoid cross infection. Got it cut as i was slicing down watermelon last weekend. As i examined my hands, left and right knocking on this keyboard, couldnt help but notices the difference between both hands. My right hand is bigger than my left..( okay, before anyone's wild imaginations start to picture anything monstrous, it's actually not that bad..), but noticeable, especially to a person who really observes and look at it meticulously. i remembered tracing both of my hands on papers ..( alah..masa kecik2 dulu, depangkan tgn atas kertas dan lalukan dgn pensel..), just to make sure my eyes were not tricking me. And yup, black and white confirmed.

talking about my hands, there were times when i envied my sister's long, delicate fingers, moving gently as she talks and runs it thru her hair. Secretly, i wished to have the same 'dancer's hand' like hers, so womanly and eye captivating. HEheh, but now im matured enough to learn and accept ppl's differences, realised that all Allah's creations are beautiful and unique, and has to serve important purposes in this world. With this hand of mine, im able to pass through my schooling yrs , with it too, i eat and write, enable me to do stuffs etc. And most importantly, with this big hand of mine, im a normal and complete human being, i have two hands, two feet,..two eyes, all paired up..alhamdulillah. HEheh...recalling my silblings stupid joke when we were a kid.." ..haa..nak cari cincin kawen susah ni, karang masukkan cincin takleh keluar plak.." Cehhh..=]

klah..gtg, bye..

" i complained that i have no shoes, until i met a man with no feet.."

when opportunity comes..

.."life is like a box of chocolate, we'll never know what we'll get.."- mama Forrest

Got this from the movie ' Forrest Gump'. First time hearing it, the actual meaning of this quote was beyond my thinking..u open a box of chocolate, chocolate is what u'll get rite..hehe, pretty obvious huh? But, a friend of mine explained..that the box of chocolate is a symbol of something that a lot of ppl are after to, many ppl adores chocolate,opening a box of chocolate in front crowds of ppl will result with them pushing and knocking each other to get a piece of it. And, because of that, the chances of everybody getting chocolate is not definite, the ppl at the back of crowd, the slow and unfortunate..will end up reaching hopefully in the box and became disappointed as all the chocolates are already taken. Hmm..what an analogy this is..

That's how opportunity in life is. Opportunity comes, in disguised form and simple ways, all surrounding us, ..but if we are slow, taking too much time making decision, scared to take the risk..( being pusillanimous, hehe..new vocabulary found in dictionary,specially dedicated to me..),being unsure and not courageous enough to go and fight along with everyone else battling for the opportunity..we'll end up like those ppl who reach for chocolates but getting none of it. If we are fortunate enough, we'll get a few last pieces , but as we know.. the last, unwanted chocolates are not as solid and perfect as the first batch of chocolates,..and we just have to bear the unsatisfaction of it..because that 's the only chocolate left for us. ..

im not babbling nonsense here..im talking serious. I had a few encounters with opportunities which i let slipped of my finger..mostly because i took such a long time considering, scared that i might make a mistakes bla..bla, and said to myself, .." alah..biarlah dulu, who knows ill get a better options later.." And when finally i had made up my mind,..when i got there, very much prepared and determined..it was gone. And u began hating urself for being too cautious and letting opportunity pass u by. Opportunity waits for no man..bear that in mind, justme!

okaylah..frankly, this frustration is caused mainly by yesterday's incident, going to the mall, to finally buy the sandal ive been eyeing for eternity, and been told by the salesperson that it sold out!! This is the second time sthg like this happens to me, before it was this perfect schoolbag which i believed was designed for me..( heheh..=p), i went to Sogo several times just for a peek at that 'one in a million' bag. And when i finally decisive enough to own it, it was gone. Not any left. Gee..justme, never really learn from previous stupidity huh? HUAaawwww...

well..there were some other similar episodes, even a more important ones, which left me wondering for some times the 'hikmah' of it. Hmm, whatever it is, like what my sister used to remind me .." It's not meant for you, it's not ur rezeki, Allah knows best, better things will come in the future, but u also have to learn from what happenned..that if u are slow, being undecisive and think too much about unnecessary things..the same thing will repeat..grow up and change..!"

So..lesson learnt, if i caught a sight of another brilliantly created bags or sandals..i will not think twice, ill grab it in a flash!!! ( oh my,justme ..that is the only thing u've learned.?!..)

before the year ends

Tonite, another dinner, and this year's college dinner is called the" Malam Kilauan Permata". The theme for tonite is RED, BLACK, WHITE. Hehehe, can't wait, ive borrowed my sister's glamour kurung batik, stunning red and black..sheesh bergaya ngan baju org tuh..=p

yesterday , as i was watching my favourite soap ( a Philipinnes serial drama.. simply addicting!)..i was instilled with a great idea, and im very excited to implement this amazing idea to my own life. No..not crying a bucket of tears over a lost lover like what the actor are doing in each episodes of that soap, or making your life so complicated and twisted over simple things..( and we wonder why serial dramas lasts until hundreds of episodes, ...) but it's something else, something that will make my anti-Chinese-Phililipines-Japan-serial-drama sister agrees with me , for once ..that not everything in serial dramas are useless and silly.

' 100 things to do before the year ends'. Got it from that drama, and personally i think it's a great thing to do. It'll make us look forward to each day of our life in a year, waking up every morning with an enthusiast spirit to complete the task of 100 to-do-list. And i believe, it'll also make our life more enriched, fulfilling, meaningful and above it all..it'll create a better person out of us. A more knowledgeble, healthy, multi-skilled, a fully-lived human being! Im just so excited to start making my list..hehe, so, what do u think, kakak? See, told ya that not all serial dramas are a waste of time ( ermm..eventhough this is not a strong point ,..) =]

klah, gtg, need to get my 'borrowed costume' ready for tonite,and im emptying my tummy as well...heheh, always like that, and i end up gobbling down food excessively, and regret it later..

cant wait to start listing down my 100 things to do before 2005 ends..tata!

tobacco cessation

kononnya nak jaga badan, lps tu pi hadap coklatlah ,biskutlah.dll, hmmph..

td competency test utk tobacco cessation. Aku panggil patient yg sgt sesuai utk jd patient exam bg kes nih, let’s just call him Mr. X. Alhamdulillah, eventhough I wasn’t fully prepared due to my extreme laziness during the past weekend, I managed to do it quite okay, but, biasalah, bende yg kita tak bersedia dgn sesungguh hati, kita pun tak 100% puas hati because kita tahu kita boleh buat lebih baik..kalau lebih well prepared.

If only smokers can see what we saw in their mouth, surely they will think twice before lighting another killer cigarette. Hmm..bila dh besar pjg, bukan boleh disuruh2 mcm budak2 dulu. We can only inform and warn the dangers and hazards caused by smoking, tp kalau still nak continue stuffing ur lungs with that ‘thing’..go on. Aku faham jugak, tak semua org berpeluang utk berpelajaran tinggi, krn lebih tinggi pengajian, lebih tahu ttg cara2 terbaik utk optimize hidup dan kesihatan. Tapi bila diri kurang kemampuan, tidak berpelajaran, ..kita nak explain dan expect dia utk faham dan lihat sepertimana kita, ..it’s not as easy as that. ( Cuma yg aku confuse tuh.boleh pulak beli berpek2 kotak rokok sehari, sekotak dah RM 6-7…cemene tuh..)

Td, kena pakai double mask sbb aku jd pening dek kuatnya bau asap rokok dr mulut pt. HAi..umur belum pun tua sgt, tapi..kalau nak dipendekkan dgn menghisap berpuluh2 btg sehari…silalah. Tadi, aku berdebat jap dgn patient partner, sbb tgk partner pun dh mati kutu nak jwb. Patient ni ckp ..”org2 lain, lagi tua, dah merokok seumur hidup, elok2 ada, tak mati pun, tak kena kanser ke apa..” Mata dia challenging pandang aku. Aku pun cakap..( dgn mata yg nak buat challenging jugak tp tak brp jd..sheesh..)..” memanglah ada, krn ajal dia bukan mlli situ, tp dgn berhenti merokok bukankah kita mengurangkan risiko yg mmg dh nyata2 atr faktor penyebabnya. Kalau org lain bawak kereta laju tak accident, habis kita pun nak bawak kereta laju jugak, dgn alasan ..tu, org lain tak mati pun...sdgkan kita dah tahu bahayanya bawak kereta laju nih..” Heh,,teringat plak zaman2 debat kat sekolah dulu..setakat simpanan je, apa taknya, aku pengecut!

klah..bnyk cerita plak aku nih..

tersedar..tp lama mana tahannya?

what a waste of weekend..=/

hate myself when i keep repeating the same mistake, ..today, i read in the paper an article about 'nAfsu'. And now i know, what stage of nafsu im in. While reading it, a surge of 'keinsafan' came seeping inside me, .. what an eye-opener , and alhamdulillha, i came across the article in berita harian. Mungkin Allah nak beritahu aku mlli cara itu.

A litte bit about the article, i'll summarise it a bit lah. The rest , u can look up in berita harian ,sunday 9th january, written by wan esma. A nice food for thought. NAfsu ni dikategorikan kepada 3,' nafsu mutthmainnah, nafsu lawwamah, dan nafsu ammarah'. Paling tinggi darjatnya, ialah nafsu mutthaminnah , yg turut disebut dlm al-Quran, surah al-fajr kalau tak silap. Kita sama2 berusaha perbaiki diri, utk meletakkan diri dlm golongan org2 yg beruntung ni.

And also, in mingguan malaysia, there's an interview with Dr Jemilah Mehmood, President oF MERCY. As i was reading her stories when she went to Banda Acheh helping the tsunamis victims, i couldnt help but felt amazed and proud of her, and also feeling a bit ashamed of myself, comparing my contribution to hers. USia bukan penghalang utk buat kebajikan semampu kita. All of her time , dia cuba sumbangkan utk manfaatkan ilmu dia ke jln Tuhan, dgn cara dia sendiri. Aku pulak, nak masuk 23 thn dh hidup nih, apa bende berfaedah yg aku boleh banggakan?..Asyik buang masa dgn sia2 je, sdgkan aku tahu dan percaya, dlm diri aku, punya bnyk kelebihan2 yg Allah kurniakan dan pinjamkan, aku aje yg suka bertangguh dan tak menghargai masa. Kalau aku mati esok2 lusa, apa bekalan na kbibawa menghadap Tuhan. Antara 3 perkara yg manusia akan bawa selepas mati, ' sedekah jariah kita, ilmu yg dimanfaatkan, doa anak2 yg soleh'..aku terasa takde apa2. YA Allah, beri aku peluang lagi, ..aku takut nak menghadap-Mu sekarang dlm keadaan aku yg begini...

Membaca pengalaman Dr Jemilah di Banda Acheh, air mata aku tumpah utk entah ke brp kali. Simpati dgn nasib kanak2, kasihankan ibu dan bapa yg sasau mencari anak yg hilang, menangisi penderitaan dan kesakitan mangsa yg cedera parah dlm keadaan sungguh kekurangan, dan insaf ..Kuasa Tuhan, Masya Allah. Kalau takde bende2 seperti ini, manusia pastinya akan terus hanyut..disedarkan sejenak agar manusia ingat, janji TUhan itu benar, Kuasa Dia yag Maha HEbat, sekelip mata malapetaka mengubah segala2nya.

aku kena stop dulu..nanti 'banjir' lagi..

adik

Adik bungsu aku baru telefon. Setiap kali hujung minggu, kalau aku tak balik rumah, dia akan telefon petang jumaat, tanya balik atau tak. Kalau aku cakap tak pasti lagi atau ade hal jumaat malam, dia akan telefon lagi sabtu ptg, tanya balik atau tidak. Sebagai kakak, .. pertanyaan dia tu aje dh buat aku nak balik..

Dan kalau hari ahadnya pulak, soalan dia akan tanya “ kak balik kolej mlm ni ke esok pagi?”. Kalau aku ckp tak pasti, dia akan merengek “ ala..baliklah esok pagi…”. Aku pernah tanya dia “ Adikni, kak balik esok pun, mlmnya kan adik dah tido, kalau tak tido pun , bukannya adik dok main dgn kak pun..”. Dia hanya sengih “ saja je…”. Adik..adik.

Mungkin kerana aku kakak dia yg dh besar dan sering berada di rumah, membuatkan dia mcm tu dgn aku. Walhal dia lebih rapat dan ngam dgn Imah dan Yah, dua org adik prpmn aku tu. Dgn Imah, dia boleh bergomol atas lantai berebutkan bilik air, dia boleh bergoncoh dgn Yah dan bergurau dgn Yah dgn cara yg memang tak pernah dia buat dgn aku. Dgn kakak sulung kami pulak, pastinya main playstation lebih menarik dan mencabar berbanding main dgn aku yg sering kalah aje nih. Dgn Bie pula, mungkin jarak usia mrk yg tak jauh beza membuatkan dia lebih nak bermanja dgn kakak2 yg lebih tua. Pendek kata, aku lihat dia lebih seronok dan terhibur dgn mereka berbanding aku. Apa2 pun ,setiap dr kelima2 kakak dia nih, punya peribadi dan perwatakan yg berbeza, cara kami juga berbeza dan dia juga dimanjakan dgn cara yg berbeza. Untung sungguh adik , ade seorg abang dan lima kakak. …tu yg best jd bungsu nih…

Sejak dr kecik, aku sgt manjakan dia. Rumah kami dulu, di Kuaters UM, aku melihat dia membesar , dari seorg bayi yg belum boleh membuka mata ( dan biru dagunya..hheh, sbb dia lemas terjerut tali pusat dlm perut mak..sampai sekarang kitorg masih ejek dia..) menjadi seorg kanak2 lelaki yg cerdas dan cergas. Beza usia 11 thn atr aku dgn dia, membuatkan aku berpeluang utk merasa menjaga dia, mendodoi dan mendukung ke hulu hilir berbanding adik2 aku yg lain. Semasa dia kecil dulu, aku akan meriba dia atas buaian pada waktu malam, dengan Bie dan Yah, sambil menghayun buaian selaju mungkin. Kami akan bernasyid satu lagu ke satu lagu, sambil menikmati nikmatnya angin malam mengenai rambut dan muka kami. Suara kami sungguh kuat, aku rasa mesti satu perumahan kuarters tu dgr ( sbb ade sekali tu, ayah tegur suruh slowkan sikit volume..heheh). Dan adik akan lena dlm ribaan aku. Begitulah rutinnya , boleh kata hampir setiap malam kami akan berbuai dan melaungkan nasyid. Kadang2 kami akan berangan, seolah2 buaian ni akan terbang ke langit dan dapat melihat bintang dari dekat.

Setahun ke setahun yg seterusnya,aku dan yg lain bersekolah asrama, sekali sekala dpt cuti balik, dan melihat adik semakin membesar. Aku ingat ade sekali tu aku masih bersekolah di SMAPL, telefon ke rumah, adik yg angkat, aku menyangkakan Bie kerana dia sudah lancar dan fasih bercakap. Setiap kali balik dr asrama, aku cuba utk bawa balik sthg utk dia, walaupun sebenaranya tak elok diajar budak2 dgn buah tangan yg kerap, aku tetap nak bw balik coklat atau apa2 yg pd aku akan menyeronokkan dia…

Sekarang ni , adik dh pun darjah enam. Tahun depan, dia akan menginjak ke sekolah menengah dan seperti kakak2 dan abangnya, ayah pasti akan masukkan adik ke sekolah berasrama. Tak lama lagi, dah takde org yg akan menelefon aku setiap hujung minggu lagi utk tanya soalan “kak , balik atau tak ..?”. Aku pasti akan merindui kelibat dia yg akan melonjak keriangan bila aku membuka pintu rumah dengan seplastik roti john atau apam balik di tangan aku. Mungkin pada masa itu juga, adik bungsu aku yg manja dan suka bermesra2 dengan kakaknya ini, sudah pun dewasa, dah rasa malu nak buat itu semua. Aku pasti akan rasa kehilangan dia,..

Jadi , sementara dia masih ‘anak kecil’ di mata aku dan kami semua, aku nak memanfaatkan waktu2 ni bersama dia, bermain dan melayani rengekan2 dia. Selagi masih punya peluang.

InsyaAllah,adik …minggu depan kak balik, nanti kak beli komik ‘Dik Cerdas’ yg adik pesan tu. Tunggu ya..

yawning early morning..

huaargggh..=/

yup..that's quite like it, feeling sleepy and uninterested early monday morning, not only because of monday.., but also it's the starting of another hectic routine after a week break..'just another manic monday...'

speaking of sleepiness, i do have a tendecy to feel sleepy early morning, i'm quite quizzical about it. Since my seconday school, i had to fight the urge to stay awake, and peculiarly, it happenned only early mornings. It's like a curse, ..that will shows its sign on me by causing me to yawn and drop my eyelids several times around 8 to 10 am. After that 'haunted' hrs, im awake as ever. Sheesh..because of this unknown condition of mine..( im making it sounds as if this is so traumatic and im the symphatized victim ), i had several embarrassing situations, that made me the center of attention for a few minutes ...and...no..i dont want to share with the entire world what's those were..hehee..glady im the kind that can laugh at my own stupidity and silly memories..

it's not that i haven't done anything to cure this 'mysterious' disease, not to mention supplements taken because i thought im lacking in certain nutrients ( which is so hard to believe looking at my own reflection in the mirror, "..that girl tak cukup zat?!..yeah rite!.."). I did try a few tactics taught by friends and mostly my sisters. Among advices given are :
1. be active by asking questions ( never really did that, because usually i waited till lectures ended and approached the lecturer later..)
2. focus and give ur 100% attention undividedly..( that's what i did, but it only managed to last me for half an hour and i doze off)
3. take notes and scribbles furiously , to keep ur body and muscles working so u wont loll to sleep.. ( gee.. i did that all the time, but after the class ended, the notes written are so " scribbled' i couldnt even guess what i wrote because my pen moved to 'variety' of directions..and i call it 'the art of sleepiness')
4. tease ur friends around you..make funny faces..( ermm..okay, tried it a few times, but got a daggering stare from ppl..)
5. look at other ppl in the room who's sleepy as well..( haa..this is one thing i like doing, heheh..looking at ppl's faces when they are half-awake-half-asleep will NEVER cause anyone to sleep..ewahh..gelakkan org pandai..)

okaylah..got to stop, my class starting less than 5 mins..hey, im fully refreshed and energetic after writing in here, perhaps the movements of fingers and pouring out words from ur mind can cause u alertness..hah. another new tactic found!..klah..really gtg..tata!